So I was feeling kind of down tonight, and remembered my blog. Hmm. I only come here when I'm feeling down in the dumps.

Not to say I haven't been feeling down these past two years. I just am in the writing mood today.

It's so odd when I think about how my life has changed, or is changing. I know that change is inevitable, but still...

It's August.
I'll be 24 this year.

Turning 24 has always been THE AGE for me. It's because my mom had me at 24. And even though we never really got along (and still don't), this age always made me feel closer to her. Like, ''I'll be turning 24 in two years, that was the year mum had me''. It was like my coming into existence is also tied to her becoming this new person; a mum. It was that junction, that change, that made me, and also in a way, made her.

And now that I'm here, everything feels surreal.

I'm in a committed happy relationship with my boyfriend whom I love more than anything in the world.

My parents are at the brink of a divorce.
And I find myself praying for it to happen. When was I surprised exactly? When I told them to get a divorce? When I told my grandparents to stop emotionally guilting my mum to stay in the marriage? Or when I was googling for divorce lawyers? I'm not exactly sure.
I just find myself rooting for it. Because it's better than how things are now.

Still, doesn't mean that I'm not hurt about it. But this isn't about me.

My best friend is moving to Singapore, most likely for good. She is also in a happy committed relationship with her girlfriend. I am happy that she's happy, and I'm rooting for this move too.

I spent my whole medical school with girls I thought were really good friends. I think I probably invested more into this relationship, and then found out that they don't feel the same. But this isn't their fault. I can't expect people to cherish me and this relationship, the way I do about them.

I'm 17 days away from my final examination, that will of course, decide my future.

Yeah. Everything feels surreal.

Submerged

I'm terrified of being alone.

Everyday I watch the world go on without me while I stand still.
Not moving. But watching, observing.
Yearning.

How had I become a person so full of regrets?
Of what I should have done..should have said..

I don't think I'm likeable. I'm loud, stubborn, a mess. I am over sensitive, I cry about everything. And I like to pick fights. Well I don't, but I pick fights anyway.
And I tell the truth. I guess I'm sort of the definition of annoying. I try not to be..really, I do. But I can't help it.

Having a disease isn't helping. Having a disease that would drive people the opposite direction isn't helping.

I'm terrified of being alone.
Of not being loved.

I'm terrified of never being the person I was suppose to be.
Or want to be.

I'm terrified that these regrets would haunt me 10 years down the road.
Or 50.

I'm terrified of never finding that little ounce of positivity to keep me going.
Of always feeling like I'm underwater.

I'm terrified of the idea that I'll never stop crying.
Or that I'll stop because I ran out of tears.

I'm terrified of always being terrified.
It's crippling.

Alone.

Strong

I don't want the world to see me.
I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything seems to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Been having a really bad month. And it keeps going downhill.
But I'm trying to be brave and positive. I can do this!
I am strong. I have come so far and I have handled worst situations that this. I can definitely handle what they throw at me.

What doesn't kill you makes you a stronger person after all.
God, please give me the strength and courage to face these challenges. I am nothing without you and am everything with you. I pray to the holy spirit, to guide me. To Jesus, to walk with me. I cannot take this path without you.

 I want to learn to use my strengths for the good  and work on my weaknesses to be better.

I need to believe that I am strong.

The Night We Rocked To Avril

I had a good day today! Vivian really want to win rock zone tickets for the avril lavigne competition. So my friends and I got together and recorded a bunch of videos of us rocking out to avril's song Skater boy. It was so funny as we kept screwing up, though rewatching the videos, I realised I was really bossing them around and telling them what to do. Oops. Gotta tone that down. :/

But yeah, we had an amazing time. Laughed so much. It was great letting loose and just jamming on to good music. We were basically just dancing and jumping around. Which beats the purpose of the competition because we were required to LIP SYNCH. haha.

I kinda doubt us winning because other entries were much more creative and all, compared to us just jumping up and down. It was very fun nonetheless. I dont mind not winning or anything ..but I hope Vi wins those tickets as she really loves Avril. And I think her video is one of the best. Like the best of the best. Haha

That's me messing around with Jo's guitar. I know I'm holding it awkwardly. I don't know how to play it, though I would like to learn. I'm considering taking guitar lessons. Haha.. never too late right?

Darsh, Henny and I. The most awesome girlfriends to have are the ones who are not afraid of making a fool of themselves, letting loose and just having fun. I feel those are what creates the best memories.

That's like 15 seconds of the even longer version of the video. And we have MANY videos. Haha. Just uploading for memoirs sake. :)

Can't forget this night. And I gotta sleep.

Goodnight. :)

Her

I just watched the movie 'Her' and I was honestly surprised.
I can't remember the last time I was actually deeply moved by a movie.
I guess I've been watching really lame movies (of the comedy genre) all these while, so then when one comes along and sweep me off my feet, I'm just like stunned.

I think this is a really good movie for our generation to watch. Tech and social networking aside, I feel that it shows true connection. How two people ( more or less ) can hit it off perfectly. Doesn't matter where they're from, their past, their form or looks. Sometimes you can connect with someone deeply and in every aspect, mentally, physically and emotionally. And that is connection right there. In its rarest form.

Rare because sometimes people let other issues get in the way of it. Ego, being materialistic, popularity .. if this connection comes with a price, people aren't just willing to pay it. Not everyone, of course. Most of them.

Which is just sad, because when you are able to connect with someone on every levels, connect with THAT one or two people out of the billions of people walking the earth, would you not treasure it?

But then again, I think people just take things for granted. They shrug it off now but 10 years down the road, they will look back and think, 'How did I let go of something so special?'. And then comes regret.

Though, if you do have it, and you are aware of it being special and you do not take it for granted .. Well, that's something beautiful. And not everyone is gifted to have that.

Currently....certainly not me.

Him : I've never loved anyone like this before.
Her : Me too ... But now we know how.

The other girl

So I met this guy. Or more like this guy met me.
He is older, working, really smart, witty, and interesting. Like the conversations we have, I don't believe I have connected with someone so well since... well since Joel. haha

Anyways, so this guy, I am pretty sure he is like into me. Okay gosh, I sound like such a teenager. Scratch that.

He confessed to liking me. But then I found out he has a girlfriend. And they are going strong. So I turned him away. But he kept coming, and he went really personal and.. that triggered my alarm.
My confused alarm.

Because on one part, I do really like this guy. And I have nothing to lose. He's a great guy in a relationship looking to have some fun. It was something secretive.
On another part, it's wrong. Like WRONG. Like REALLY WRONG. And I am disgusted and partly angry because how can one do this to a person they love? (Him to his gf I mean).

I don't want to hurt that poor girl he's dating. I cannot imagine how she would feel if she came to know her boyfriend has been talking intimately with other girls. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, eventhough he keeps insisting I am.
And I don't want to be an option.
I don't want to be 'the other girl'. 

So I turned him away.
And I am feeling pretty darn good about myself for doing the right thing.

But it's not everyday you have a connection with someone.
So to have had that with him, is pretty sad. Haha

And to have typed 'HAHA' after 'sad', is pretty sad too.

The KY Jelly Incident

The other day at the hospital, I had to do a rectal examination on a patient. Oh, and that has a story of its own. A disturbing one. Anyways, I needed the KY Jelly but I could not find it at its usual place. So I went around searching for it. I asked some doctors and nurses and they kept pointing me to places in which there was no KY Jelly to be found. I was sort of annoyed of course. I mean, it is a hospital. Shouldn't things be at it's rightful place like 24/7? Okay anyways, this post is not about KY Jelly. haha

So well at one point, I asked a nurse and she pointed at me to go to this main drawer. So I went and there was another nurse there who rudely asked 'Doctor apa u nak?'. I said 'KY jelly'. And she goes on yelling ''U tak yah cari kat sini. U tak tau ke ni bukan untuk u sentuh? Pergi cari kat tempat lain pergehh'. LOL I had to type it as it is so to show the rudeness of it. Yeah just imagined her screaming that.

From my experience at HSAH, I realised there's this hierarchy which of course puts us medical students waayy below. And I totally get that. We all should start from down and work our way up anyways. But there's this 'treatment' going on, where those at the higher hierarchy believes that the power they own enables them to treat everyone below them however they want. The rudeness, the insults, the verbal abuses. And what's even more surprising, is that it's socially accepted. It is fine when someone yells at someone else rudely, especially during situations that are totally uncalled for. It is fine when someone verbally abuses someone else.

But does that not speak more of your character, someone who is of great power, than it is of mine, someone who screws up? When you have a choice to talk politely, to address issues professionally, to correct mistakes without the need for the use of verbal abuses, but instead you pick to do the latter because it makes you feel powerful...what does that say of you?

I'm feeling 22

Wow. Reading through my blog posts made me realise that from a person reading it, I sound like a really depressed person. Every posts is either about something that hurt me or something I am unhappy about. But honestly, I guess I come to my blog when I am down. I don't come here to post happy stuffs. I guess I use instagram for that.

But maybe I should start injecting happiness here too. A little bit of both is always good, right?

The other day, Henrina and I went for supper in town. It was around 10.30 p.m and she was craving for pavlova. The shop closing time was at 11p.m so we rushed there, hoping to get there in time. Of course, it was too late, so we went to Starbucks instead. When we entered the car to head back, I turned the radio on and it was about some Valentines competition. About winning something. Which we obviously heard. We immediately dialed in and for the first time (in all the HUNDREDS of times we tried), we got through.

We were then screaming on the radio and talking in high pitched. We had to sing a song which we did. We sang (more like screamed True Colours). Though towards one part we didn't know the words, I was like 'SOMETHING SOMETHING...OMG CAN WE STOP NOW?' to which the radio guy laughed (Oh, we still did not know which radio station that was lol). And then tada, we won! 2 romantic compilations, in which when I googled has all the most beautiful love songs ever. So now I can play them in my car! haha

Anyways the point of this post was I felt like such a kid, and I was overjoyed about winning. But when he asked our details, and stated that I'm 22 years old, I was surprised. Like, wow, I'm 22 now?

I screw up a lot. I always have this thing of keeping everyone happy or trying to take care of people's emotions which results in me blowing off steam later on and ruining everything. And I guess that's what keeps me having a list of important people-turned enemies-turned on my FB block lists. Which is sad. Because when I look back, I see a lists of so many people who are not in my life anymore.

And then I see people who have stood by me until today. And life doesn't seem so bad.

But you know how people make mistakes and you just don't delete people off your phone book just because of a few mistakes? You'd think people grow. And then you'd think if there's any hope in recreating the relationship or even being in each other's lives, however small the role.

And then I think I am the only one who is like this. Who when I love someone, it's for forever. Which is sad for me, of course.

So I'm 22, and very much changed. I guess I'm more annoying, less innocent, definitely bigger LOL. But I'm still the same softy.
And that is one thing I am that kills me.

Damn, so much for a happy post! haha.

THE WEATHER

It is so scorching hot! I cannot take the weather. It is insanely hot. I was not made for this country. Like really. I can stand the cold, however cold it is, but a little heat ruins my mood for the week!
I think this is the only mistake God ever made. Placing me in the wrong country.

It is really hot.

Like if I'm an egg, I'd be deep fried.
Or more like burned.

I need more things to blog about.
This is a cry for help.

Third Year 2nd Sem Surgery Posting

Blogging this one week before Surgery's bedside exam.

Okay, I honestly do not know what's been going on with my blog. I think getting absorbed into all the sciency medical stuff has cleared my brain of my writing skills. I can no longer properly come up with a sentence and it takes more than a few seconds for me to think of flowery words. Something is seriously up.

So why suddenly I remembered about blogging? I guess I am reminiscing.

My roomate (out of the two roomates I have) is moving out to a single room. We have been living together for the past 3 years (plus minus) and well, I don't know. I guess I am feeling kinda sad. She is of course, the first person I met here in AIMST. The first person I laughed with and got to know in this jungle. Also, the first person who I've meet who is totally different and yet so interesting, intriguing. She is a person full of character, charisma and humour. Very entertaining to live with. Haha

I know it's not like she is moving AWAY, just across the block. But well, it's a change. No more oversleeping and missing classes TOGETHER. No more practicing practical examinations TOGETHER. No more bitching about this jungle TOGETHER. No more bullying my other roomate TOGETHER. haha

I guess we have been growing apart the past year. I'm guessing it's due to different groups and different schedules and what not. But that does not mean she isn't a big part of my medical school. More or less.

I guess I am going to miss being roomates with her. That's for sure.

I'm sad about it. But you know, I'm terrible at expressing anything. So I asked both my roomates out for dinner tomorrow. Like a proper goodbye to an end of an era kinda thing.
They laughed of course. But agreed nonetheless.

Sometimes I wonder how am I so full of emotions.
Other times I wonder how others are not.

The Insecure Freak

Once in high school, a couple of friends came over to my place to hang out. And us being girls of course, we started playing dress up. So against my will, my then best friend literally forced stripped me and started throwing outfits at me to try on. My other friend stared and then out of the blue asked ''How do you live with yourself?''. I was confused ''Huh?''. And this friend said ''If I have a body like yours, I would cry everyday.'' And then she laughed and everyone continued doing whatever they were doing.

I was 14. I was a little plump but much skinnier than I am now, that's for sure. That statement of hers really did hurt me. And that was what started the insecurity about the way I look. I started avoiding mirrors and I totally gave up in dressing myself up because..well hey, what's the point?

7 years later and here I am thinking 'What a bully!'. 14 year old kids are just meant to have fun, not sucuumb to pressure about looking perfect. No honestly, I totally agree that if it affects the individual healthwise, then the weight problem should be dealt with. But there is this common misconception that skinny is healthy.

Now, at age 21, I am very far from skinny. And that is totally because of me. I love food and I am VERY lazy when it comes to exercising haha. But healthwise, I think I'm good. I have many beautiful and hot friends and when they fall sick very often with their flu, fever and cough, I only fell sick once in the past three years. When we went for hospital attachment and tour the hospital, my friend could barely walk after a few hours and had to sit at every stop. Me, I did not feel a little tired at all. I'm not comparing or anything and this certainly does not apply to everyone. I am just pointing out that being hot doesn't always mean healthy and vice versa. That's in the case with me. I do not have any health problems currently and medically, all my 'bodily levels' are within normal levels. So if you are going to look at me and tell me that my size is unhealthy, is it really because of my health or is it because of society's opinion on what beauty is?

I am not saying that I am Miss Fittest or what not, I am just saying that I'm okay now. And I was okay back when I was 14. But back then I did not have the guts or the understanding of all of this. I wish I knew back then because if I had stood up for myself then, I would not be the person I am today. 'The insecure freak'. Because even if your mind understands it, your heart will still feel the way you have felt all those years.

And if I ever had a chance to get into a time machine and go back to when we were all in that room throwing on clothes, I would tell that friend



'' Eff you and your beauty standards. I am NOT beautiful like you. I am beautiful like me. ''

And actually believe it.

I want to be

Two years ago, if you had asked me 'What do you want?', my answer would have been 'I want to be happy'. Ever since I could remember, that had always been my wish, my goal, my dream.

But I realise now that happiness isn't a destination, it is a mood. Like being sad, angry, jealousy, hungry. It isn't constant. There will be good days and bad days, and that is perfectly fine.

So if you're feeling down or terrible, and it feels like the world is unfair and everything is against you, just know that this too shall pass. We're all just rolling through the ups and downs of life.

So let's just not fight it. Let's just take it as it comes.

THAT'S RIGHT

YES I'M A SERIES ADDICTTTT!

PROBLEMM? HAHA  :)

Perfect.

Just finished watching Chuck's series finale. And this song is just perfect. The series ended very well, I wouldn't have it any other way.

A year from now we'll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they're goin' to better places
But our friends will be gone away

Nothin' is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it's just as well
But I miss your face like hell

Been talkin' 'bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
If you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate
So if you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate

Rivers and roads
Rivers and roads
Rivers 'til I reach you

And

at the end of the day,

no matter if it's good or bad,

if it healed you or hurt you,

just

Their story

Goodbyes

It's ridiculous how I can cry for so many simple things. I connect emotionally with fictional characters, with animals, heck, even with objects. But when it comes to my life situations, I run. I do not want to feel. The minute feelings start creeping into me, I block it out, brush it off, pretend I don't feel anything.

It's easier that way.

When a character dies, I spend the day crying and then spend the next few days dwelling on it. I feel sadness for the story, deep anger and frustration that the story would have gone another way. Then more days passed, and I just feel sad. The series would be different without that one character. Few weeks passed, and another character becomes my new favourite. When I miss the previous character, I can always go back and watch prev episodes. Or even, google the actor out and ease my eyes.

It's different losing someone in real life.

Just lost my grandma. I did not even attend the funeral because I was 5 hours away and couldn't make it. I will never see her or talk to her ever again. Never in my life will I use the word 'pati' again because that word has always been reserved specifically for her. I was never close to her, but the feelings that come onto me, the pain, the heartache, like my heart is going to burst. I was never close to her, and the pain I feel is enormous. She's gone.

It's been 5 days and I haven't cried.
I haven't thought about it.
Now I'm thinking about it. 5 minutes post, and I'm back to blocking it out.

Because it's easier that way.

I feel like one of those people that are so miserable that they can't be around normal people. Like I'll infect the happy people.

YOU take a chill pill haha

I am a very opinionated person. I like engaging in thought stimulating conversations and coming up with new ideas that can change people, the country and even the world. But what sucks is that I am in a generation where majority of the people like to crap about unicorns and rainbows. And when I give a valid opinion, it's always ''why you so tension?'' and ''chill''.

It gets really annoying sometimes. Well, most of the times. But I don't want to stop all these inovative discussions and stoop down to mere crap. I want people to rise up and talk. Like, actually talk. And people say that it's boring and not fun, it actually really is. Talking about making the world a better place doesn't mean it's not fun. Fun isn't restricted to mindless blabberings and bunch of words that makes no sense.

I like to crap, I do. But then, there's always a time and place for it.
People have different time and places for it, yeah, that I agree too.

If I don't go and comment on their ridiculous posts on facebook 'stop crapping and please talk smart' , then they shouldn't go and comment on my opinions 'relax' and 'chill'.

Because in the end, conversing intellectually is way better than conversing mindlessly. And people should get other people to talk smart too, not the other way round.

Again, just my opinion.

Which I know most won't probably get because, well, it's the generation.

I know very well I'm standing with very few on this.