Third Year 2nd Sem Surgery Posting

Blogging this one week before Surgery's bedside exam.

Okay, I honestly do not know what's been going on with my blog. I think getting absorbed into all the sciency medical stuff has cleared my brain of my writing skills. I can no longer properly come up with a sentence and it takes more than a few seconds for me to think of flowery words. Something is seriously up.

So why suddenly I remembered about blogging? I guess I am reminiscing.

My roomate (out of the two roomates I have) is moving out to a single room. We have been living together for the past 3 years (plus minus) and well, I don't know. I guess I am feeling kinda sad. She is of course, the first person I met here in AIMST. The first person I laughed with and got to know in this jungle. Also, the first person who I've meet who is totally different and yet so interesting, intriguing. She is a person full of character, charisma and humour. Very entertaining to live with. Haha

I know it's not like she is moving AWAY, just across the block. But well, it's a change. No more oversleeping and missing classes TOGETHER. No more practicing practical examinations TOGETHER. No more bitching about this jungle TOGETHER. No more bullying my other roomate TOGETHER. haha

I guess we have been growing apart the past year. I'm guessing it's due to different groups and different schedules and what not. But that does not mean she isn't a big part of my medical school. More or less.

I guess I am going to miss being roomates with her. That's for sure.

I'm sad about it. But you know, I'm terrible at expressing anything. So I asked both my roomates out for dinner tomorrow. Like a proper goodbye to an end of an era kinda thing.
They laughed of course. But agreed nonetheless.

Sometimes I wonder how am I so full of emotions.
Other times I wonder how others are not.

The Insecure Freak

Once in high school, a couple of friends came over to my place to hang out. And us being girls of course, we started playing dress up. So against my will, my then best friend literally forced stripped me and started throwing outfits at me to try on. My other friend stared and then out of the blue asked ''How do you live with yourself?''. I was confused ''Huh?''. And this friend said ''If I have a body like yours, I would cry everyday.'' And then she laughed and everyone continued doing whatever they were doing.

I was 14. I was a little plump but much skinnier than I am now, that's for sure. That statement of hers really did hurt me. And that was what started the insecurity about the way I look. I started avoiding mirrors and I totally gave up in dressing myself up because..well hey, what's the point?

7 years later and here I am thinking 'What a bully!'. 14 year old kids are just meant to have fun, not sucuumb to pressure about looking perfect. No honestly, I totally agree that if it affects the individual healthwise, then the weight problem should be dealt with. But there is this common misconception that skinny is healthy.

Now, at age 21, I am very far from skinny. And that is totally because of me. I love food and I am VERY lazy when it comes to exercising haha. But healthwise, I think I'm good. I have many beautiful and hot friends and when they fall sick very often with their flu, fever and cough, I only fell sick once in the past three years. When we went for hospital attachment and tour the hospital, my friend could barely walk after a few hours and had to sit at every stop. Me, I did not feel a little tired at all. I'm not comparing or anything and this certainly does not apply to everyone. I am just pointing out that being hot doesn't always mean healthy and vice versa. That's in the case with me. I do not have any health problems currently and medically, all my 'bodily levels' are within normal levels. So if you are going to look at me and tell me that my size is unhealthy, is it really because of my health or is it because of society's opinion on what beauty is?

I am not saying that I am Miss Fittest or what not, I am just saying that I'm okay now. And I was okay back when I was 14. But back then I did not have the guts or the understanding of all of this. I wish I knew back then because if I had stood up for myself then, I would not be the person I am today. 'The insecure freak'. Because even if your mind understands it, your heart will still feel the way you have felt all those years.

And if I ever had a chance to get into a time machine and go back to when we were all in that room throwing on clothes, I would tell that friend



'' Eff you and your beauty standards. I am NOT beautiful like you. I am beautiful like me. ''

And actually believe it.

I want to be

Two years ago, if you had asked me 'What do you want?', my answer would have been 'I want to be happy'. Ever since I could remember, that had always been my wish, my goal, my dream.

But I realise now that happiness isn't a destination, it is a mood. Like being sad, angry, jealousy, hungry. It isn't constant. There will be good days and bad days, and that is perfectly fine.

So if you're feeling down or terrible, and it feels like the world is unfair and everything is against you, just know that this too shall pass. We're all just rolling through the ups and downs of life.

So let's just not fight it. Let's just take it as it comes.

THAT'S RIGHT

YES I'M A SERIES ADDICTTTT!

PROBLEMM? HAHA  :)

Perfect.

Just finished watching Chuck's series finale. And this song is just perfect. The series ended very well, I wouldn't have it any other way.

A year from now we'll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they're goin' to better places
But our friends will be gone away

Nothin' is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it's just as well
But I miss your face like hell

Been talkin' 'bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
If you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate
So if you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate

Rivers and roads
Rivers and roads
Rivers 'til I reach you

And

at the end of the day,

no matter if it's good or bad,

if it healed you or hurt you,

just

Their story

Goodbyes

It's ridiculous how I can cry for so many simple things. I connect emotionally with fictional characters, with animals, heck, even with objects. But when it comes to my life situations, I run. I do not want to feel. The minute feelings start creeping into me, I block it out, brush it off, pretend I don't feel anything.

It's easier that way.

When a character dies, I spend the day crying and then spend the next few days dwelling on it. I feel sadness for the story, deep anger and frustration that the story would have gone another way. Then more days passed, and I just feel sad. The series would be different without that one character. Few weeks passed, and another character becomes my new favourite. When I miss the previous character, I can always go back and watch prev episodes. Or even, google the actor out and ease my eyes.

It's different losing someone in real life.

Just lost my grandma. I did not even attend the funeral because I was 5 hours away and couldn't make it. I will never see her or talk to her ever again. Never in my life will I use the word 'pati' again because that word has always been reserved specifically for her. I was never close to her, but the feelings that come onto me, the pain, the heartache, like my heart is going to burst. I was never close to her, and the pain I feel is enormous. She's gone.

It's been 5 days and I haven't cried.
I haven't thought about it.
Now I'm thinking about it. 5 minutes post, and I'm back to blocking it out.

Because it's easier that way.

I feel like one of those people that are so miserable that they can't be around normal people. Like I'll infect the happy people.

YOU take a chill pill haha

I am a very opinionated person. I like engaging in thought stimulating conversations and coming up with new ideas that can change people, the country and even the world. But what sucks is that I am in a generation where majority of the people like to crap about unicorns and rainbows. And when I give a valid opinion, it's always ''why you so tension?'' and ''chill''.

It gets really annoying sometimes. Well, most of the times. But I don't want to stop all these inovative discussions and stoop down to mere crap. I want people to rise up and talk. Like, actually talk. And people say that it's boring and not fun, it actually really is. Talking about making the world a better place doesn't mean it's not fun. Fun isn't restricted to mindless blabberings and bunch of words that makes no sense.

I like to crap, I do. But then, there's always a time and place for it.
People have different time and places for it, yeah, that I agree too.

If I don't go and comment on their ridiculous posts on facebook 'stop crapping and please talk smart' , then they shouldn't go and comment on my opinions 'relax' and 'chill'.

Because in the end, conversing intellectually is way better than conversing mindlessly. And people should get other people to talk smart too, not the other way round.

Again, just my opinion.

Which I know most won't probably get because, well, it's the generation.

I know very well I'm standing with very few on this.