Currently reading..

Watched it. Loved it.

Vi told me about this movie, she was all hyped and in love with it. But I didn't cared much about it. The title itself, well, not really my kinda thing.
I still chose to give it the benefit of the doubt anyways. And surprisingly, it really is good. A light-hearted feel good movie, but it also had some depth to it. Dealing with insecurities and flaws, and loving each other, not only despite of it, but having it as one of the reasons.

Dylan: I messed up. I was scared. Look at what happened with my mom and dad? Of course I was scared. I...I ruined it. Everything that happens in the day, all I can think to myself is I can't wait to tell Jamie about this. When I see someone cursing, all I picture is you blinking. And when I hear a kid's been cured of cancer, I pray it's not by that douchebag tree hugging, fucking doctor who ran out on you! I mean, cancer being cured is awesome. But you know, I wish someone else did it. Hey, I miss you.
Jamie: I miss you! But you're not wrong. I am damaged!
Dylan: So am I. Who isn't? It's what makes this so awesome. And our tattoos.
[he kneels in front of her and takes her hand]
Jamie: Oh! No! No! No! No!
Dylan: Shut up. It's not what you think. Jamie, will you be my best friend again?
Jamie: That is so lame.
Dylan: Oh, I know! It's some Prince Charming shit though, right?
Jamie: Get up.
Dylan: Look, I can live without ever having sex with you again.
It'll be really hard. Hey, I want my best friend back. Because I'm in love with her.
Jamie: Under one condition.
Dylan: Anything.
Jamie: Kiss me.
Dylan: In public? In front of all these people?

“It’s not about who you want to spend Friday night with,
it’s about who you want to spend all of Saturday with.”

- Friends With Benefits

'' Love is the condition in which the happiness

of another person is

essential

to your own ''

To just shine in my light

And to love myself for who I am.

CUCMS? AIMST?

Some experiences scars you for life.

And you know from the dreams you have, and the fear you feel whenever you think about it.

Most of my scarred experiences were all from the year I was in CUCMS.

Before this, all this time I kept thinking about wanting to go back there and I shouldn't have left.
But yesterday, after having that conversation with Vino, and she asked me if I'm happy over here..
It sorta hit me..

Maybe it was a good thing that I left after all.

Since I came here, I've been feeling homesick. Cyber sick.
I guess it's because I spent the whole year making CUCMS my home, and towards the end it, after all those painful experiences, it did become my home.

But when I think about it, AIMST accepted me easily. I didn't have to try, I already felt at home when I first came here.

Maybe it's time to let go.
I am no longer a CUCMS-ian, I suppose.

I am an AIMST-er.
And happy about it. :)

Hope it shows the same in my results. GAHHHHH. T.T
SO DREADING THE RESULTS OF CA2. =.=''

The Reason Is You

Was thinking about this too, the other day. About how I feel so loved by everyone. And why is that so. How come I feel that way? I know I'm certainly not doing a lot of loving, not channeling out to others and making them feel the way I feel. And yes, I know that's kinda..sad.

But still, I feel so loved. I am very loved. And I was thinking why? I mean, am I going to die young? Like, what's the catch? What am I suppose to give to be getting this great gift?

Loved so deeply by my family. They suck at showing it, sure. Always scolding me all the time. =.= But I know they do.

Like my dad. He only talks to me like a lot when it comes to education. Studying hard, and doing my best. And not get distracted. Exams and tests. But then, silently, he'll do things. Like listen to my conversation with someone about my favourite movie, and the next thing, he'd bring home the CD. Overhearing me telling mum I'm sick of indian food, and that night he'd bring us all out for Chinese. Sure he scolds me in every conversation, but he does things quietly.

My mum well..? I don't know what she does.. I know she talks about me to her friends a lot, I can sense it from there.

Ohh..especially when my grandma nags me. About everything. The way I sit, the food that I eat. But when that happens, I'll angrily roll my eyes at her and walk off. And she'll yell after me ''Oh there goes the princess!''. Funny when I think about it. But she'll be the one bringing food to me when I'm sick. And massaging my feet when I'm tired. I've never done that for her. Not once.

And when my grandpa holds my hands when I walk. He walks fast. Guess he learned that from the hard life he had. I find it hard to catch up with him. I would have to take three four quick steps to keep up with his one step. He would try to slow down though. I can see it. But it's hard for him to do that, habit I suppose.

My brothers are annoying la. When I go near the younger two to play or talk or something, they scream ''MAAA DARSHINI IS DISTURBING ME'' and run off. But when I'm sitting alone on a wide couch, they'd come and sit an inch from me. Finish my food when I'm not looking, and even when I'm looking. =.= Hide the remote control when they go play football so I won't be able to watch the television. =.='' Haha.. Arun and I, we don't talk much. Sit in silence and talk every now and then. But the silence is comfortable.

My family, they don't say anything. They don't tell me that they love me. They get awkward when they wish Happy Birthday or when it's an anniversary of anything. But they show it. I just have to look for the signs. I know I'm good at it. Because there's two ways to look at it. One, them constantly scolding me and driving me away. But I choose to look at it positively, and I know I'm looking at it right.

And my best friend. Oh, she, well, she really shows she loves me. I am very lucky to have her in my life. She'd go to the ends of the world for me, that I know. She's always there for me, whenever I need someone. I know at times I get very uncontrollable. When I'm angry or when I'm sad, she knows how to handle me. I've unleashed all the bad and the ugly. We've gone through so many things together. Oh, and she's very cheesy. Her cards, her posts, her cheesy texts, haha. I'm spoiled by her. Actually, it's because of her that I feel very much loved. Through her loving me, is how I came to see that my family really loves me too. It was like, she got me buried deep in her love..and then I could see everyone else who loves me too. And that, is the greatest gift I know I've ever received from her. Not the cards, not the late night snacks, not the trips over to my house when I'm sick, the movies I wanted and not some concert tickets.. But hey, I'm not complaining. :P

And him too. He opened my eyes to things I've never seen. His insight to people and their feelings..especially mine. Through him, I learned to accept myself. To forgive and forget, to let go..and to receive. His passion and love for me, made me love myself too. The way he listens, full concentration. Understanding every word, every expression on my face. The way he remembers everything. The way he wants to be the first who's voice I hear in the morning, and the last at night. He's so understanding, and very patience. Something which I know is very hard to do, especially with me. I know I'm horrible and I give him a hard time, like..all the time. But he handles it cooly. I don't know how he does it. Because I don't like those parts of me. All the other times when I'm alright, he chooses those times to go immature and act crazy. Like seriously. =.= :P haha

And Vino. Her constantly missing me. She's always searching for me. Finding ways to get to me, even when I'm away, or headed the opposite direction. Not by choice, by flow. She's kinda like me I guess. And no, she does not know this. She's the me years ago. She keeps things in, she does not show her emotions on her face, her essence are deep. To the core. You wouldn't feel her, unless you really really know her. I was like that too. Years ago. But then my life experiences made me, taught me to open up. And I met tons of people on the way who broke my walls. So I become the person I am today. While she is the person she is, whom I was before. She's very the sweet. If you see her through my eyes, that is.

And other people too. Lots of them.

I know they love me.
And I'm so very blessed.

I love them like crazy too.
The difference is, I don't show it. Not the way they show it.

All of them, have told me so many times that they don't feel it.
I don't show it, I don't do anything. I don't text, call. Always them initiating everything.
They listening.
Me talking.

Always them giving, and me receiving.

I do try to give too. I just don't know how. It doesn't come naturally to me. But nonetheless, I still try.
But still, even when they feel that they're always giving and I'm always receiving, they still kept giving.

And the more and more I'm drowning in their love, the more I feel blessed. The more I feel lucky.

What have I done to deserve this?
I've thought about this and realise I shouldn't question. I should just accept and be happy about it. Because I have something precious.

Precious.

Special.

Mine.

Sometimes, just because they don't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.
You just have to look at it.
You either choose to look at your glass half empty..
or half full.

2011 was really an interesting year. I would say that was the year that I changed. I went through so many experiences which broke me, and then ..made me. Well..still making me.

Was just thinking about it, that's all.
Something random.
Haha.

I wanna blog longer but henny's eating the siew pau which smells so good so I'm gonna go eat too :P

Today

Just finished CA2 exams! It's 1.50a.m Saturday morning, and I am tired like crazy. But I know I can sleep late, and wake up late..and go back to being a pig.

Well actually, I've never stopped being a pig even during exams. =.=''

Anyways, exams was bad. This is what happens when you study last minute. But then again, I didn't study last minute to be exact. I studied but I didn't reinforce it in time, so when it came to the day before the exam, I had to revise & memorise everything, and well, there just wasn't enough time. Cause the reinforcing was last minute. Sigh.

Dreading the results. I hope I don't fail. Though I know that won't happen. But still, pray & hope for the best.

And letting that go, because CA2 is over.

Also, I don't want to blog about my resolution of studying and doing better in CA3 because I'm just tired.
These past few weeks have been all about studying and stressing, I just want to ..relax.
For a bit.

Going home next week for Chinese New Year holidays!
Gotta go get bus tickets. I hope they're not sold out.

Karunya is going to Penang this weekend. So that leaves me and Henny. Maybe Darsh will come over too.
Just plan to laze around and catch up with each other.
(HAHA as if there's anything to catch up about. We're always talking & never shutting up anyways).

I guess maybe I can catch up on my FRIENDS (yes still haven't complete. forever in the same season la =.=) & HIMYM. It's been so long.

Oh my gosh, I'm planning as if I don't have finals to sit for.

RELAX JAAAAP JE.
HONESTLY.
NO LIE.

I'M HAPPY TODAY. Weee. :)
Are you? :P

A friend of mine posted a video on facebook and I watched it. It was really good. And well, food for thought :

What if I told you Jesus came to abolish religion?
What if I told you voting Republican really wasn’t his mission?
What if I told you Republican doesn’t automatically mean Christian,
and just because you call some people blind doesn’t automatically give you vision.

I mean if religion is so great, why is it starting so many wars?
Why does it build huge churches but fails to feed the poor?
Tells single moms God doesn’t love them if they’d ever had a divorce,
but in the Old Testament, God actually calls religious people whores.

Religion might preach grace, but another thing they practice,
tend to ridicule God’s people, they did it to John the Baptist.
They can’t fix their problems and so they just mask it,
not realizing religion is like spraying perfume on a casket.

See the problem with religion is that it never gets to the core.
It’s just behavior modification like a long list of chores.
Like let’s dress up the outside make it look nice and neat,
but it’s funny – that’s what they used to do to mummies, while the corpse rots underneath.

Now I ain’t judging, I’m just saying quit putting on a fake look,
because there’s a problem if people only know that you’re a Christian by your Facebook
I mean in every other aspect of your life you know that logics are worthy.
It’s like saying you play for the Lakers just because you bought a jersey.

See this was me too, but no one seemed to be on to me.
Acting like a church kid while addicted to pornography.
You see on Sunday I’d go to church but Saturday getting faded,
acting if I was simply created to just have sex and get wasted.

See I’ve spent my whole life building this façade of neatness
But now that I know Jesus, I boast in my weakness.
Because if grace is water, then the church should be an ocean.
It’s not a museum for good people; it’s a hospital for the broken.

Which means I don’t have to hide my failure, I don’t have to hide my sin.
Because it doesn’t depend on me, it depends on Him.
See because when I was God’s enemy, and certainly not a fan,
He looked down and said "I want that man".

Which was why Jesus hated religion, and for it he called them fools.
Don’t you see so much better than just following some rules?
Now let me clarify, I love the church, I love the bible, and yes I believe in sin.
But if Jesus came to your church, would they actually let Him in?

See remember He was called a glutton and a drunkard by religious men,
but the Son of God never supports self-righteousness, not now, not then.
Now back to the point, one thing is vital to mention,
how Jesus and religion are on opposite sides of the spectrum.

See one’s the work of God, but one’s a man made invention,
see one is the cure, but the other is the infection.
See because, religion says do, Jesus says done,
religion says 'slave', Jesus says 'son'.

Religion puts you in bondage, while Jesus sets you free.
Religion makes you blind, but Jesus makes you see.

And that’s why religion and Jesus are two different claims.
Religion is man searching for God. Christianity is God searching for man.
Which is why salvation is freely mine, and forgiveness is my own,
not based on my merits, but Jesus’ obedience alone.

Because He took the crown of thorns and the blood dripped down His face,
He took what we all deserved, I guess that’s why you call it grace.
And while being murdered, He yelled “Father forgive them. They know not what they do.”
Because while He was dangling on that cross, He was thinking of you.

And He absorbed all your sin and He buried it in the tomb.
Which is why I’m kneeling at the cross saying “C’mon, there’s room.”
So for religion, no I hate it, in fact I literally resent it,
because when Jesus said, “It is finished,” I believe He meant it.

Hello 2012 :)