CUCMS? AIMST?

Some experiences scars you for life.

And you know from the dreams you have, and the fear you feel whenever you think about it.

Most of my scarred experiences were all from the year I was in CUCMS.

Before this, all this time I kept thinking about wanting to go back there and I shouldn't have left.
But yesterday, after having that conversation with Vino, and she asked me if I'm happy over here..
It sorta hit me..

Maybe it was a good thing that I left after all.

Since I came here, I've been feeling homesick. Cyber sick.
I guess it's because I spent the whole year making CUCMS my home, and towards the end it, after all those painful experiences, it did become my home.

But when I think about it, AIMST accepted me easily. I didn't have to try, I already felt at home when I first came here.

Maybe it's time to let go.
I am no longer a CUCMS-ian, I suppose.

I am an AIMST-er.
And happy about it. :)

Hope it shows the same in my results. GAHHHHH. T.T
SO DREADING THE RESULTS OF CA2. =.=''

The Reason Is You

Was thinking about this too, the other day. About how I feel so loved by everyone. And why is that so. How come I feel that way? I know I'm certainly not doing a lot of loving, not channeling out to others and making them feel the way I feel. And yes, I know that's kinda..sad.

But still, I feel so loved. I am very loved. And I was thinking why? I mean, am I going to die young? Like, what's the catch? What am I suppose to give to be getting this great gift?

Loved so deeply by my family. They suck at showing it, sure. Always scolding me all the time. =.= But I know they do.

Like my dad. He only talks to me like a lot when it comes to education. Studying hard, and doing my best. And not get distracted. Exams and tests. But then, silently, he'll do things. Like listen to my conversation with someone about my favourite movie, and the next thing, he'd bring home the CD. Overhearing me telling mum I'm sick of indian food, and that night he'd bring us all out for Chinese. Sure he scolds me in every conversation, but he does things quietly.

My mum well..? I don't know what she does.. I know she talks about me to her friends a lot, I can sense it from there.

Ohh..especially when my grandma nags me. About everything. The way I sit, the food that I eat. But when that happens, I'll angrily roll my eyes at her and walk off. And she'll yell after me ''Oh there goes the princess!''. Funny when I think about it. But she'll be the one bringing food to me when I'm sick. And massaging my feet when I'm tired. I've never done that for her. Not once.

And when my grandpa holds my hands when I walk. He walks fast. Guess he learned that from the hard life he had. I find it hard to catch up with him. I would have to take three four quick steps to keep up with his one step. He would try to slow down though. I can see it. But it's hard for him to do that, habit I suppose.

My brothers are annoying la. When I go near the younger two to play or talk or something, they scream ''MAAA DARSHINI IS DISTURBING ME'' and run off. But when I'm sitting alone on a wide couch, they'd come and sit an inch from me. Finish my food when I'm not looking, and even when I'm looking. =.= Hide the remote control when they go play football so I won't be able to watch the television. =.='' Haha.. Arun and I, we don't talk much. Sit in silence and talk every now and then. But the silence is comfortable.

My family, they don't say anything. They don't tell me that they love me. They get awkward when they wish Happy Birthday or when it's an anniversary of anything. But they show it. I just have to look for the signs. I know I'm good at it. Because there's two ways to look at it. One, them constantly scolding me and driving me away. But I choose to look at it positively, and I know I'm looking at it right.

And my best friend. Oh, she, well, she really shows she loves me. I am very lucky to have her in my life. She'd go to the ends of the world for me, that I know. She's always there for me, whenever I need someone. I know at times I get very uncontrollable. When I'm angry or when I'm sad, she knows how to handle me. I've unleashed all the bad and the ugly. We've gone through so many things together. Oh, and she's very cheesy. Her cards, her posts, her cheesy texts, haha. I'm spoiled by her. Actually, it's because of her that I feel very much loved. Through her loving me, is how I came to see that my family really loves me too. It was like, she got me buried deep in her love..and then I could see everyone else who loves me too. And that, is the greatest gift I know I've ever received from her. Not the cards, not the late night snacks, not the trips over to my house when I'm sick, the movies I wanted and not some concert tickets.. But hey, I'm not complaining. :P

And him too. He opened my eyes to things I've never seen. His insight to people and their feelings..especially mine. Through him, I learned to accept myself. To forgive and forget, to let go..and to receive. His passion and love for me, made me love myself too. The way he listens, full concentration. Understanding every word, every expression on my face. The way he remembers everything. The way he wants to be the first who's voice I hear in the morning, and the last at night. He's so understanding, and very patience. Something which I know is very hard to do, especially with me. I know I'm horrible and I give him a hard time, like..all the time. But he handles it cooly. I don't know how he does it. Because I don't like those parts of me. All the other times when I'm alright, he chooses those times to go immature and act crazy. Like seriously. =.= :P haha

And Vino. Her constantly missing me. She's always searching for me. Finding ways to get to me, even when I'm away, or headed the opposite direction. Not by choice, by flow. She's kinda like me I guess. And no, she does not know this. She's the me years ago. She keeps things in, she does not show her emotions on her face, her essence are deep. To the core. You wouldn't feel her, unless you really really know her. I was like that too. Years ago. But then my life experiences made me, taught me to open up. And I met tons of people on the way who broke my walls. So I become the person I am today. While she is the person she is, whom I was before. She's very the sweet. If you see her through my eyes, that is.

And other people too. Lots of them.

I know they love me.
And I'm so very blessed.

I love them like crazy too.
The difference is, I don't show it. Not the way they show it.

All of them, have told me so many times that they don't feel it.
I don't show it, I don't do anything. I don't text, call. Always them initiating everything.
They listening.
Me talking.

Always them giving, and me receiving.

I do try to give too. I just don't know how. It doesn't come naturally to me. But nonetheless, I still try.
But still, even when they feel that they're always giving and I'm always receiving, they still kept giving.

And the more and more I'm drowning in their love, the more I feel blessed. The more I feel lucky.

What have I done to deserve this?
I've thought about this and realise I shouldn't question. I should just accept and be happy about it. Because I have something precious.

Precious.

Special.

Mine.

Sometimes, just because they don't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.
You just have to look at it.
You either choose to look at your glass half empty..
or half full.

A friend of mine posted a video on facebook and I watched it. It was really good. And well, food for thought :

What if I told you Jesus came to abolish religion?
What if I told you voting Republican really wasn’t his mission?
What if I told you Republican doesn’t automatically mean Christian,
and just because you call some people blind doesn’t automatically give you vision.

I mean if religion is so great, why is it starting so many wars?
Why does it build huge churches but fails to feed the poor?
Tells single moms God doesn’t love them if they’d ever had a divorce,
but in the Old Testament, God actually calls religious people whores.

Religion might preach grace, but another thing they practice,
tend to ridicule God’s people, they did it to John the Baptist.
They can’t fix their problems and so they just mask it,
not realizing religion is like spraying perfume on a casket.

See the problem with religion is that it never gets to the core.
It’s just behavior modification like a long list of chores.
Like let’s dress up the outside make it look nice and neat,
but it’s funny – that’s what they used to do to mummies, while the corpse rots underneath.

Now I ain’t judging, I’m just saying quit putting on a fake look,
because there’s a problem if people only know that you’re a Christian by your Facebook
I mean in every other aspect of your life you know that logics are worthy.
It’s like saying you play for the Lakers just because you bought a jersey.

See this was me too, but no one seemed to be on to me.
Acting like a church kid while addicted to pornography.
You see on Sunday I’d go to church but Saturday getting faded,
acting if I was simply created to just have sex and get wasted.

See I’ve spent my whole life building this façade of neatness
But now that I know Jesus, I boast in my weakness.
Because if grace is water, then the church should be an ocean.
It’s not a museum for good people; it’s a hospital for the broken.

Which means I don’t have to hide my failure, I don’t have to hide my sin.
Because it doesn’t depend on me, it depends on Him.
See because when I was God’s enemy, and certainly not a fan,
He looked down and said "I want that man".

Which was why Jesus hated religion, and for it he called them fools.
Don’t you see so much better than just following some rules?
Now let me clarify, I love the church, I love the bible, and yes I believe in sin.
But if Jesus came to your church, would they actually let Him in?

See remember He was called a glutton and a drunkard by religious men,
but the Son of God never supports self-righteousness, not now, not then.
Now back to the point, one thing is vital to mention,
how Jesus and religion are on opposite sides of the spectrum.

See one’s the work of God, but one’s a man made invention,
see one is the cure, but the other is the infection.
See because, religion says do, Jesus says done,
religion says 'slave', Jesus says 'son'.

Religion puts you in bondage, while Jesus sets you free.
Religion makes you blind, but Jesus makes you see.

And that’s why religion and Jesus are two different claims.
Religion is man searching for God. Christianity is God searching for man.
Which is why salvation is freely mine, and forgiveness is my own,
not based on my merits, but Jesus’ obedience alone.

Because He took the crown of thorns and the blood dripped down His face,
He took what we all deserved, I guess that’s why you call it grace.
And while being murdered, He yelled “Father forgive them. They know not what they do.”
Because while He was dangling on that cross, He was thinking of you.

And He absorbed all your sin and He buried it in the tomb.
Which is why I’m kneeling at the cross saying “C’mon, there’s room.”
So for religion, no I hate it, in fact I literally resent it,
because when Jesus said, “It is finished,” I believe He meant it.

Meet our christmas tree!

Haha yeah I know =.='' We were actually planning on getting a christmas tree for so long, to make our room more ''chrismassy''. But well.. Karu went drinking the other day and she got these two cards, and she made a 3D stick out kinda thing. Cool huh?

O.o''
Well, at least something, right? :)

If the world really ends

in 2012.

Imagine it happening.

What do you do? Tell your mum & dad you love them? Hug your brothers and sisters? Kneel down in prayer?

I think I'd freeze. I'd probably just stand there and cry.

I dreamt about this many times. And every time, I just freeze. I wanted to express the way I feel, let important people know how much I love them or how much I'm sorry for the hurt and the pain I've caused.
But I've never been able to do that, especially not with my family. I don't open up or share, no one does. It just goes plain awkward.

With people too. It's so hard to tell someone I love them or that I miss them. I usually muster all my strength in me that I can, and say it. Except for all the 'loves!' on facebook, that's just following the norm of the society. No, not about me blending in, but to not make anyone else uncomfortable.

I know I am getting better, I do work on it. Try harder. Because I don't want this part of me to stay the same. I want to be able to hug freely, express freely. I am already on the road to that.

But I was always afraid that just because I don't say it, does not mean I don't love. I just always wished they would know. Perhaps through signs. But even THAT I'm bad at. I can probably just go be a robot.

But what if they don't know? What if somewhere along the way, they missed the signs?

In my dreams, I'd tell myself, Darsh, say it! Tell them, it's now or never. But I never did say anything. I would always just freeze, and break down crying silently and as I feel the end coming near,

all I do is close my eyes.

At your own pace

Everyone experiences different things at different stages of life. At a age where you might be experiencing loss, someone else might be experiencing a win. A day when you experience sadness and someone else experience happiness.

That's life. It is not an absolute thing, it is constantly changing, or growing as how I'd like to say it, at a different pace for everyone.

On the topic of ''Love'' , yes, indeed, I guess it is a great feeling, for someone to love you, to care for you, to constantly care for you, text you, fight with you, sure, I agree. :) And I understand you're feeling all the 'wants' and the 'craving', especially at this age, and when all your friends around you have that 'special someone'.

But that time will come for you, when you're ready.

I think it's a great feeling too, to dream.
To wait, to hope, to wish for a happy future, not knowing if it's there to come. But that's what faith is about.
So until that other awesome part comes, you enjoy this part of the book okay?

You must always remember that. That there is no need to rush. Isn't it fun to enjoy every chapter of the book?
When you're a kid, you enjoy being a kid. And that goes on too, when you're a teen, when you're in the twenties, mid-life.. then there will be no regrets.
You won't find yourself wishing to go back to a time you've missed. There wouldn't be regrets.
And that's when you know you're really contented, and you can take anything as it comes.

I won't say that I'm lucky, I'll say that I'm blessed. :)
But so are you. Just that our ''timing'' ain't the same.
I have him now, you'll find him later on..if it's not anytime soon.

But 'till then, enjoy this ride.
So that once you find him, you'll enjoy that ride too.

Take everything as it go, and have fun.
At your own pace. :)

Awesomeness.. :)

Today after the symposium, we all decided to go to the park benches above the cafeteria. We all, as in..Divv, Jo, Henny and I. :)
We sat there, talking and after a while, we started singing.
Like crazy.
It didn't matter that we were out of tune or that we didn't know the words.

Then Lishaa joined us and we went for dinner. And then we took a long walk around AIMST. Singing. Well, Divv and Lishaa was talking.

Henny, Jo and I, we were singing. Walking together. At first it was all depressing songs, songs from experiences.
And funny thing?
Jo, Henny & I, all sorta share the same story.
About something.
And all the songs we sang, I could tell,
it was more than just singing..
We were pouring out our emotions.

After a while of singing those songs, we decided to change, and start singing Christmas songs.
Since well, it IS nearing Christmas after all. :)

Haha, ''On the first day of christmas'' was so fun :) And then we sang Do Re Mi, and Divv and Lishaa joined us,
we were singing like we were drunk
and there were echos of our voices around campus.

It was awesome :)
To just sing because..just because.
It doesn't matter if you're good, or bad, or sang out of tune,
it doesn't matter if you sang the wrong words, or if you didn't know the words..

What matters is that we were all singing,
happily.
Together.

:)

Yes, should do this more often. Looking forward to it.

My battery died on the way back though.
So imagine my happiness when I came back to my apartment to find Hev waiting for me on skype.

:)

Life is funny

I have a friend.
We hang out in a big group, poke fun at each other,
crack jokes,
tease each other like crazy.

But at nights, we talk.
About lots of things. Things that are deep.
About life, about relationships,
about us.

And I'm not sure what impression I leave on him,
but he helped me understand lots of things.
Things that I had trouble coping with,
dealing with,
but now I'm starting to understand.

I hope I've helped him too though.

He said yesterday

''Life is kinda funny. Sometimes you'll meet people in your life to help you clear stuffs up.''

To help you deal with things,
to help you see,
to help you understand.

And I guess, I understand now.

Letting go, forgetting, forgiving.

Healing.

Bittersweetness.

''Drifting off to see the world''

I miss you so much :'(

The hardest part about coming to Kedah is that I'm MILES AWAY from you.

Still not used to that part yet.

My visit to cyber :)

This was WEEKS ago.

E33AB :) Fatin & Taranya weren't there, but awhh I miss them :'(

Hahaha, everyone's hands around me :P *SYOKSENDIRIMOMENT* :)

Cute ain't it? :) :) (Yasmin, Meera, Husna)


The girls :)


Met two new members of the family. Teeba (from AIMST) & Kalnisha.. They're so sweet. :)

Everyone :') Priyaa & Renee ain't in the picture. Didn't get to meet up with Renee that day. sigh.


Vino & I. :)

Was planning to blog about this for so long but then, with the sucky net and everything, couldn't. So aimst line is back and here they are. :)

I miss cyberjaya soo much. :'( I love aimst already, but still, there's always a part of me that still call cyber HOME.

I still write cyber's ID here in aimst.. when they ask for the id number, I always write FD, then scratch that off, followed by my aimst ID number.
And when people ask which apartment I'm from, I go EE3AB, then I remember, ''no wait, haha, it's C3B'' ..
-What's up with 3s and Bs? O.o'' haha

Oh well, I can have more than one home anyways, right? :)

Dream 21st November 2011

Had a freaky dream. o.o

Dreamed that Arun screwed up his SPM and went crazy on the family, came to kill us one by one.

Insane, I know.

But I woke up worried.

He has been spending his school years just LIVING for SPM.
Studying all the time, aiming for that Ireland scholarship.

The other day my mum called and told me about Arun 'screwing up' the English paper. He didn't read the literature question properly and end up answering a whole other different thing. He walked out of the hall and broke down crying.

I told my mum that they (my parents) stressed him out too much. English, the easier paper, and imagine the stressed he felt.

I hope everything turns out WELL, if not fine, for him.
He deserves it.

I am who I am

I'm quiet.
I don't say much.
I get mood out easily.

I'm VERY sensitive.
I need anger management.
I still need to learn how to be patient.

I know how to cheer myself up.
I'm dependable on people, physically.
I don't know how to do much things, yes I admit.
I'm a spoiled child.
But I'm NOT a brat. I'm always willing to learn.

I depend on myself, emotionally.
I have walls, and it's hard to go through them.
Because of that I've hurt many people, and in that process,
I've hurt myself.

I trip easily. Everyday, all the time.
I sing to myself, a lot.
I make up songs when I'm bored. They sound horrible, but I don't care.
I keep singing.

I try not to let what other's say get to me.
Most of the time, they do get to me anyways. But I try.
And when I succeed, I don't care.

I'm scared of INSECTS.
Literally scared..like they can eat me, kill everyone and take over the world.
I scream, hide, hug anyone nearest to me.

I DON'T like milk.
The taste, the smell..I get nauseated.
That includes when I LOOK at milk, or when someone's drinking milk beside me,
or when I walk down the milk aisle in the supermarket.

I'm always scared.
Scared of the future, scared of the past.
I worry easily.
About my family, my friends, people, strangers.
I just don't know how to show it.

I'm strong when others are scared.
I'm protective.

I don't know how to express myself.

I LOVE kids. Babies, toddlers, kids.
I'm always around them, at parties or at get-togethers.
I play with every child I see when I'm out.
At the mall, by the road, at the clinic.
I can't help it, they just make me so happy.

The weather affects the way I feel.
When it's warm or hot, I get snappy.
When it's cool or it just rained, you'll find me very happy.

I'm the happiest during Christmas season.

I'm indecisive.
I take FOREVER to make decisions.
That's why I get headaches when I go shopping. I can't take it.
The pressure, of choosing.
And living with the decision.
Not just with shopping alone.

I'm easily distracted.
Even when I'm listening.
Whether to a lecture, or a friend's confession.
I try my hardest to CONCENTRATE, but I lose myself.

I think a lot.
I space out.
I cry easily.
I get emotional easily.

I'm all for justice, fairness and equality.

I don't judge people and I don't like being judged.
I believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I believe in second chances.

I believe in Him, want to be close to Him.

I love truly. And forever.
I just don't know how to show it.

I'm still figuring out myself.
Since I came to AIMST, I've actually been learning about myself.
The good, the bad,
Learning from my mistakes,
learning to love myself, and others.
Learning how to show it.

This is me.
I am who I am,
and you do what you can about it.

Sway to the rythm

I love how you're always there for me.
How you listen to me, your eyes never leaving mine, even when I look away.
How the lines on your forehead form when you're thinking hard.

I get scared when I talk about things, my feelings.
But you never rush me.
I love how everytime I pause, hesitating to continue, you nudge me softly,
word by word.
You wait patiently until I get there.

You've always waited, until I get to you.

Patience, something I don't have.

And I can tell you everything.
You never judge.
Even when I can see it hurts you.

When I get worried about you,
You start making light jokes of the situation,
so I'd smile.

You always do that.
I love how you notice every little thing I do.

How do you remember the things I say, when all I do is keep forgetting?
You remember everything.

How do you do that?

Sometimes my heart pains for you, to have fallen for me.
A mess.

But most of the time, I'm very thankful.
Because if you didn't,
and if you didn't show me you,
I wouldn't have.

I'm the lucky one.
Even though you keep insisting the other way round.

I'm thankful you know.
For you.
For us.



I'm a mess that way.
You're the glue that's holding us together.

All in time. :)

Goodbye hurts the most when people leave without saying them

There is a reason for everyone you meet in your life.
A reason why they are there in the first place.

Sometimes people are meant to meet, fall in love but not meant to be together.
To leave at a point, to go on separate paths.

Lessons to be learned, feelings to be felt.
Memories to be made, and remembered.
Or let go.

I don't know the rules that were meant to be followed.
I don't know the lessons that I was suppose to learn.

But I do know that I am grateful.
That it happened,
when it happened.
That you mattered,
when everything mattered.

When you're part of someone's life for so long,
mattered for so long,
it becomes a part of you.

Well, a part of me.
And I don't know if that part of me will always be there.

I want to let go,
to say a proper goodbye,
to talk about things,
things that were said,
things that were unsaid.

''If saying goodbye hurts so much, why do we say goodbye? Because it hurts so much more to keep holding on to something that isn't there. Like you're hanging off a ledge and someone is jumping up and down on your hands but you still can't let go. Like when you're little and you're being tickled...you shout for it to stop because it's torture, but then you go back for more, because somehow being tickled makes you feel safe and special.

Holding on is like that...but the torture is painful...and it doesn't make you smile. That's why we're supposed to say goodbye. That's why we're meant to let go''

And I want to let go.

''I miss the past form of you'' - REPLY

A reply to thisposthere

I'm sorry for the very late reply..had exams and stuffs.

And hey, that girl is so not lost at all. It's still in me. I'm still me. It's just, change as in, yes you're right, adapting to the new environment.

You know how they say that when you mix with a certain group of people, as time passes, you sorta have similar characteristics..like them? I guess it's the same with me too. And I can tell, some are sorta good. I've gained self confidence, I can carry out conversations without feeling all insecure.. these people helped (is helping) me let go and start over. I hang out with them a lot, and I can see myself having the similar traits.

Before this, I was sorta down about it. I felt like I'm letting go of myself, and being someone else. But then, now I'm starting to like the person I am. This is me, getting out of my shell, trying out new things, stepping out of my comfort zone.. And you know how rarely that happens. I'm usually just comfortable with a small group of people and fearing everything that is unfamiliar. But things are changing.

You say you admire the person i was back then. And I'm guessing it's those traits you've told me about. Hey, I still have those traits. It just, I may have wavered off here and there, but I'm still me.

And I'm never letting me go.
I'm never letting you go.

I don't walk out of people's lives, despite what some might think. I have my reasons for doing the things I do. They may not be the RIGHT reasons, but trust me, they are reasons in your favour. It's always in other people's favour when it comes to me. Once I love someone, I love. And that doesn't stop. No matter what happens.

Even when people change.
Even when people leave.
Even when people hurt me,
humiliate me,
curse me,
use me..

I don't stop. I always wish I can change that part about myself, that I can stop easy, or move on easy, but I'm not like that.
And this applies to you too.
In this case, I left, I would like to say I left not by choice, but that would be lying. I did leave by choice, however it's due to circumstances.
But that doesn't mean you're not important anymore.
That doesn't mean I don't love you.

It just means there's distance between us, and we gotta work harder in keeping contact, that's all.
And since I'm gonna meet you tomorrow, I think we're doing just fine.

You'll see me tomorrow.
The brand new me.
Which is a mixture of the old me, and a few changes here and there.
I hope you like it.

Let me know. :)

Youtube much?

Hahaha, I always find the comments on youtube hilarious! Some comments that is. Some are just, kinda rude but..ignore those=.= The cute ones are what makes me happy :)



Haha :)

We were free like water, flowing down under the warmth of the sun

4th October 2011, 2.32 a.m :)


''And as we lie, beneath the stars,
we realise how small we are,
if they could love like you and me,
imagine what the world could be''

I was holding on to you, like someone broken,
and you told me..

'Just let me hold you while you're falling apart..
just let me hold you and we'll both fall down
Fall on me'

Hey,thanks for letting me fall on you.
You make my 'everyday' beautiful..
Who'd knew we would be an 'us' ? .. :)

ps : Yesterday just keeps replaying over and over on my mind. It waskinda perfect. :)



pps : So can't believe you slept early tonight! grr.. But hey, a part of me is happy that you fell asleep .. so then you wouldn't be awake to keep me up so late. :P Kidding.. :) Goodnight, love.

Random

:)

Officially a closed chapter.

The beginning of another book. :)

To get what you want, but not what you need

It's usually one way or another.. Back in Cyber, I always get what I needed, not I wanted. And because of that, I guess I was pretty much miserable. I had to FORCE myself to be happy ..and yes, in the long run, the faking sorta became true. But the effort put into happiness, wasn't something I would have wanted it to be in the first place. But looking back now, the year was fruitful. I don't regret anything, those experiences were needed to make me, and I am so very grateful.

Over here, I realise, I am getting what I want. I am happy, I don't have to force myself to be, happiness comes, just like that, no effort needed. But then, this scares me. How will this turn out?

I've always had this feeling since I was younger, that everything is mapped out for me. I have to start telling myself that it is my choices and my decisions that affects everything that comes next. I shouldn't be walking on the path paved for me by others, or the path I think I should go, but instead to walk the path I want to.

I've been praying a lot lately, asking God for his guidance.. What pulled me back to him? Fear, uncertainty, confusion..but above all, I needed Him. To remind me of who I am, who I'm suppose to be and what I'm suppose to do here. I keep straying, I notice. Even right now, I've strayed off. I can keep telling myself this is wrong, what I'm doing is wrong, but then , I just continue off. I know it's because of my curiousity, on whether I can walk this path and still make this work. But the fear is here because I'm a person who always gravitates towards familiarity. Unlike people like Henrina.

She would try out everything..when she bought a new printer, she was just pressing every button, not afraid of the result of her actions. When she buys anything, she would handle them like she owns them for so long, eventhough it was her first time using it and she does not know how. I on the other hand, I hesitate. I think, I stare, I handle it slowly, softly..but in the end, I always end up calling someone else for help. I was afraid of making my own mistakes, even though sometimes, mistakes are suppose to be made. So we can learn from them.

So when face with a choice to walk down the path that I know, and the path I don't, eventhough I am ALREADY on the unknown path, I keep stopping, hesitating..I can't stop thinking about the familiar path, and how much safer if I'm on that road. But then again, I'm not turning back. I just keep worrying and worrying, but still not making the change I need to.

Just worrying.
If this will turn out well.