To get what you want, but not what you need

It's usually one way or another.. Back in Cyber, I always get what I needed, not I wanted. And because of that, I guess I was pretty much miserable. I had to FORCE myself to be happy ..and yes, in the long run, the faking sorta became true. But the effort put into happiness, wasn't something I would have wanted it to be in the first place. But looking back now, the year was fruitful. I don't regret anything, those experiences were needed to make me, and I am so very grateful.

Over here, I realise, I am getting what I want. I am happy, I don't have to force myself to be, happiness comes, just like that, no effort needed. But then, this scares me. How will this turn out?

I've always had this feeling since I was younger, that everything is mapped out for me. I have to start telling myself that it is my choices and my decisions that affects everything that comes next. I shouldn't be walking on the path paved for me by others, or the path I think I should go, but instead to walk the path I want to.

I've been praying a lot lately, asking God for his guidance.. What pulled me back to him? Fear, uncertainty, confusion..but above all, I needed Him. To remind me of who I am, who I'm suppose to be and what I'm suppose to do here. I keep straying, I notice. Even right now, I've strayed off. I can keep telling myself this is wrong, what I'm doing is wrong, but then , I just continue off. I know it's because of my curiousity, on whether I can walk this path and still make this work. But the fear is here because I'm a person who always gravitates towards familiarity. Unlike people like Henrina.

She would try out everything..when she bought a new printer, she was just pressing every button, not afraid of the result of her actions. When she buys anything, she would handle them like she owns them for so long, eventhough it was her first time using it and she does not know how. I on the other hand, I hesitate. I think, I stare, I handle it slowly, softly..but in the end, I always end up calling someone else for help. I was afraid of making my own mistakes, even though sometimes, mistakes are suppose to be made. So we can learn from them.

So when face with a choice to walk down the path that I know, and the path I don't, eventhough I am ALREADY on the unknown path, I keep stopping, hesitating..I can't stop thinking about the familiar path, and how much safer if I'm on that road. But then again, I'm not turning back. I just keep worrying and worrying, but still not making the change I need to.

Just worrying.
If this will turn out well.

There's Always A Place In Me You Can Call Home

Finished studying today's stuffs, and it's not even 6pm yet. I'm a happy child. :)

I guess I'll study some more tonight, and then I can sleep peacefully. Reva was right after all, ''keep at your own pace. It's only when you start following others' paces, that's when you screw up.'' .. My pace is just fine. :)

In CUCMS, everyday was sorta about studying, studying studying.. but in AIMST, honestly, dramaaa gilerrr.. :o You wouldn't really know but I'm quite an observer (people-watching, it's a wonderful hobby really) ..it's not that I'm poking into other people's business, it's just that I happen to see and hear all the wrong things at the right time. =.='' And I don't like it.. I like just having my head filled with education, than stories about other people's lives and lies. =.='' TAK. NAK.

:)

Anything that´s worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitings out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
We gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love
Its worth having its worth fighting for


Henrina keeps replaying this song over & over again. Giving me semangat haha.. :)

No matter what.

Talking about her dilemma about going to Egypt and staying in CUCMS, Husna confessed and said she wants both. And that's why it was tough for her to decide.

That made me realise, that I want both too.
I want to stay in CUCMS, but I WANT to go to AIMST.

I want to stay in CUCMS because I love it there. The place, the system, and most of all the people. It already feels like home.

But then a part of me knows that, I will never grow up if I stay in CUCMS. I would still go home every week, my parents could come get me whenever I want, I would not learn to be by myself because I'll always be in good hands.

And being in the medical field, or any other field for that matter, one needs to be independent. Especially during housemanship when they're just gonna post us doctors to any hospitals around the country. And looking at myself now, I know I'm not ready for that.

I'm still afraid to cross roads on my own. I get nervous when I talk to strangers, even when it just involves buying food or asking for directions. I'd always get my family or my friends to do it. And because they love me, they do it anyways. But when I think about it, that's just spoiling me.
And they're not to be blamed.

If I were to go to Kedah, I'd be on my own. I would start fending for myself, and my family would be 6 hours away to come get me if I had any problems.

I know that this is what I need to do. Because I WANT to grow up.

It's like a bird, who can only learn how to fly if it's pushed out of it's nest.

So yeah, I want both.

The first choice CUCMS because of its familiarity and warmth.
The second choice AIMST is because of it's mystery, that I know I can use to make myself a better person, something that I won't be able to learn in CUCMS.

I think that's the reason why I was not strong on my argument during the discussion with my family. If I had said firmly that I wanted to stay in CUCMS, they would have let me. But I did not. They kept telling the the pro's of AISMT and eventhough I did not say it out loud, I do agree with them.

When I think about it again, I guess I don't mind the long distance, the starting over, fitting in again, getting used to the new environment, if this is what I need to grow up.

This is EXACTLY what I need.
And I'm heading there. Head on. No regrets.

If I had entered AIMST during foundation, I knew it would have been roughed on me. The way I look at it, CUCMS gave me a great stepping stone. My entire foundation year was filled with up's and down's. Loosing friends, loosing trusts, adjusting, making new friends, learning to accept and be accepting, learning from differences.. It taught me a lot. And with this lessons learned, I'm going to be able to use them for my upcoming experiences.

I was at the bank today for AIMST stuffs when I took a number. I looked at it and it said '1111' .. I thought to myself ''Ha, that does not happen everyday'' ..and when I sat down and looked at my watched, the time said ' 1. 11 p.m '. Now instead of looking away thinking ''coincidence'' , I had to go all ''OMG THIS IS FATE!'' .. haha.. I felt as if I was suppose to be there at that exact moment at that exact time. That no matter whatever mistakes I've made in the past, I was exactly where I was suppose to be, I was on the right track.

Yes, silly you might say. But I liked feeling that way. :)

So yeah, no matter what, this is the decision I make today, and I will stick to it.

Come what may.

No matter what. :)

CUCMS

Got the green light! There's an MBBS intake this year! :D Yes, going to the same place with the same people, how awesome is that? :D ..

Though it's only limited to 100seats, but I'm sure we'd all get in. I mean, some has already moved out and stuffs, a huge number went to pharmacy, so yeah..

GOOD NEWS GOOD NEWS :D

This is one of my favourite places in CUCMS. :D Yes, Click here.

It's like going home. :)

Now all I have to do is to talk dad into letting me go. Since he's keen on me getting out of there due to the so many past problems.

It's not about being 'unfaithful to cucms' as many has post on facebook (seriously, grow up guys ==) but yeah, it's about my parents concern. I'll go anywhere they wanna send me too. Though yes, I want to go to CUCMS but if they want me to go somewhere else, then sure, I don't mind.. cause it's what makes them happy that matters to me. :)

But yaaayyy CUCMS got the green light!

Hopefully will be seeing all of you in a couple of weeks ! :D

Purple. :)

Just. Yeap. :)

Past few weeks has been GREAT! :D

Won't blog about it cause you might get jealous ;D hahaha :)
Okay, it's not that. It's just me being lazy. Oh well. :P

College searching so far has been awesome.
Kay well, not so. :/ Ppl are refusing to accept my HORRIBLE results.
All A's but a C in Physics.
Yes HORRIBLE. :/
haha..that's sarcasm.

So anyways, going to go back to college to repeat Physics.
To get an A there, and then have straight A's.
But I doub't it. PHYSICS? A?? With DR.AZAH teaching? :/
Oh well, must try right? :) haha





Was browsing through my folders and I realised, I have a lot of kids pics in there. Babies esp. Everywhere I go, when I see kids, I snap pictures. They say if you start seeing kids everywhere, it's because you're ready for one. If that's true, that means I'm ready for one since I was 5 :P haha..

Anyways, here's one adorable boy .. Aww, it was night so couldn't get a clear pic with my 'awesome' camera.. :) But you can see his gorgeous smile. :) Sweetie.

Child's innocence. :)

:)

CUCMS dilemma

Today morning I headed out to CUCMS to get answers, or at least an explanation as to what is currently going on. Sat down with Dr.Basir and my grandparents and he explained thoroughly. And please keep in mind this is what I was told and I will try to sort this information is the easiest way to comprehend. Here, I'll start from the beginning :

The problem started when the Medical faculty accepted a total number of 236 students for batch 2010 when they were only allowed to take in 150students ( extra 86 students ). When news got out, CUCMS had their license revoked. However, they managed to appeal and got accredited. The batch of medical graduates that CUCMS just produced is recognised.

However, crime and punishment. CUCMS has to pay for the mistake they made. So now, CUCMS have to be accredited EVERY year for ..well, as long as MMC think is necessary. So every year they will come down and survey and then give the green light, or the red light. Also, MMC does not want CUCMS to have an MBBS intake this year, seeing as they were irresponsible and careless the last time. CUCMS is currently appealing for that though.

So now, the question is.. what are we to do next?


Plan A : Wait for CUCMS to get the green light for MBBS intake this year.

1. Will CUCMS get the green light?
Dr.Basir said they are hoping to get a favourable response although there have been indication that that is most likely. Though an indication is not enough, it should be in black & white. Yes, we want to know NOW, CUCMS wants to know NOW however.. it's the response from the MMC that we are waiting for. Without their answer, CUCMS can't tell us anything.

2. When will we get the response?
Dr.Basir said most probably next month. They're trying their best to get an answer A.S.A.P so that we can make the next move.

3. If all is well..
We continue into the medicine faculty in CUCMS provided that our results fits the criteria (I'll touch on this later).

So..what if CUCMS gets the red light instead?
That would be Plan B.


Plan B : We'd be transferred to other respectable ACCREDITED medical institutions.

1. How is that to happen?
CUCMS themselves will arrange for us to be transferred to other accredited universities. However, this is also 'kind of' restricted because other universities would ask of a higher cgpa and also, in our cases, physics. But as promised, CUCMS will do their best to get us into the best colleges for our circumstances.

If we don't want to wait and would rather instead take matters into our own hands


Plan C : We choose to leave CUCMS and head over to other medical institutions.

1. This is something we can do instead of letting everything solved on its own. Research on other medical institutions and move there. Here are the accredited colleges :

-Universiti Malaya
-Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia
-Universiti Sains Malaysia
-Universiti Malaysia Sarawak
-Universiti Putra Malaysia
-Penang Medical College
-Universiti Perubatan Antarabangsa
-Universiti Islam Antarabangsa
-Mangalore University/ Manipal Academy of Higher Education
-Royal College of Medicine Perak (MBBS-Malaya Programme)
-Asian Institute of Medicine, Science and Technology
-Universiti Teknologi Mara
-Universiti Malaysia Sabah
-Alliance College of Medical Sciences
-Monash University Sunway Campus
-UCSI University

As you've noticed I took CUCMS out of the list.

Alright, so before I go on, first, what does it mean by 'accredited'.

Accredited, means acknowledged and recognised by the government.

So what if you studied in a non-accredited medical institution?
- You can still practice medicine. However, when you graduated, you have to sit for another exam to be given the licensed to practice medicine. So why worry you ask? Because this test is designed to fail students. It will be very tough and very hard. As you know, there have been many reports on the drastic increase of the doctors in Malaysia and it is alarming as the ratio shows that there are more doctors to patients. So it wouldn't be surprising if many fails this license exam, as the exam itself is designed to control the number of doctors to practice in Malaysia.


Okay, on another note :

Recently, MMC just set a minimum criteria and qualification for entry into the medical programme. And that it is said that there should be a minimum B for all four science subjects : Chemistry, Biology, Physics and Maths. And we all know which subject we're having problem with. Damn you physics haha =='' Okay well, anyways, according to Dr.Basir, everyone in Malaysia is appealing against this, that instead of all FOUR, perhaps a THREE out of four would do. They are appealing because

1. It causes too much constraint and stress on students to achieve high grades on ALL science subjects.
2. There are many students who have already completed their pre-med following the previous requirements. This causes difficulties on entering the medicine faculty.
3. There are many IPTAs & other medical institutions where physics are not one of the courses being offered. What happens there?

If everyone in Malaysia is appealing to the MMC about this, well, most likely it would be granted. Though no promises.

We will be informed (through letter or a phone call) about further changes.. like if CUCMS medical faculty is accredited for our batch or is not, or where we will be placed.

So..

If you're wondering what I'm going to do..

I am going to research about other ACCREDITED medical schools, to find a better one than CUCMS, if not as good, that suits me.
If that fails, I will look for ACCREDITED medical schools with an August intake. I will give CUCMS time but not that much.

But no matter what, I would not go into non-accredited medical schools unless of course, if worst comes to worst.

If you don't find these answers satisfying, well, there is nothing else we can do. Because this is everything they (CUCMS) know.

I hope I explained well. :/ If it's confusing or anything, ask me and I'll try to explain better.

Remember, we're all in this together.
Well, all the best to you guys. :)

Balance

Just the other day I was complaining, about how more fun it was at college. About how that with my studies to concentrate on, I had more things to do and less time being bored. I wished it weren't the holidays.

But last night I had a dream. I was back in college, in class..and we had exams coming up. I kept studying and studying (for Bio) and yet, I kept failing. No matter how hard I studied, I could not perform well in the exams. While friends of mine were not seen studying, and they kept scoring. O.o'' I was really stressed. ==''

I woke up being thankful, thankful that it's the HOLIDAYS! IT'S BREAK! I'VE 4 AWESOME MONTHS TO KILL before I've to go back to all that stress.

So I learnt to be thankful. That there's a time for everything.

I spent months being stressed up about college and exams, and now I'll spend months relaxing. Then I'll start being stressed up again when MBBS starts. That's the way it works. It's so much better than being in class, WISHING it's the holidays, and during holidays, WISHING to be back in college.

I don't like WISHING. HOPING. When I wish/hope, I get let down. A lot. Especially when I wish on something that is not up to me to make it come true. Oh well. :)

Appreciate everything as life goes. Balance.

Then time can be well spent. :)

:D

Okay, I'm feeling so hyped now that the exams are over. Now I won't feel guilty when I sleep too long or watch movies or read novels.. I feel free. :)

So 3 months! All to myself. What am I to do? :) :) :)

* Read NOVELS!
I haven't touch one in AGES! I miss the smell, the stories, the way I get so absorbed into them. I plan on heading to the bookshop A.S.A.P and get a nice book! :)

* Exercise
Need to lose weight. :( All my clothes are so tight, and mum refuses to buy me any more. So it's either I loose weight or I go naked. ==''

*Eat like a pig
I can't wait to eat food other than cyberia's food!! :D (yes I know it's so contradicting to the first but .. a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do right?)

* Spend time with FAMILY
I miss my grandparents :(

* Catch up on all those movies and series I've been missing out on.
Gossip girl! Glee! Desperate Housewives! :D

*Spend time with Vi and Grace!!
Miss my best friends!!!!

* Nature
I want to SEE nature again :)

* Piano
I have not touch my piano for so long, my fingers feel so stiff. I miss my music. :(

* Babies!
Okay, I'm yearning for babies :) Um, no I don't mean MY OWN (though I'd like that better!) but well, yeah, I want to spend time with kids, babies. Just looking at their innocence makes my day. :) After a few hours with them though, ANNOYED. hahaha :D Nah kidding. That only happens with my brothers.

* Sleep
Sleep and not setting an alarm to wake up :)

*God
:)

And well, there's tons! And I will accomplish them. Oh, the loosing weight part. If you see me after 3 months and I look the same, or gained more weight, please..please HIT me. I mean it.

Oh wait, where was I again?
Oh yeah!
HOLIDAY!!! xD
Though I'm so NOT looking forward to the results. :(

But then again, I'll save those worries for another day :)

EXAMS. DONE. OVER. GONE.

Byebye :)

HELLO HOLIDAYS!

Chapter 5

Reproductive system. I've always disliked this chapter, even since way back in high school. I thought it was lengthy and boring, and too many scientific words I had to memorise. I remember my classmates thinking I was weird. Cause you know teens and hormones. == Every time we get to this chapter, everyone gets super excited ..but I groan. haha..

Anyways, this is the first time the LECTURER gets wayyyy super excited than the students. And I find that SUPER ADORABLE. :] hahaha..kinda entertaining to watch. Mr. Eric. Who doesn't love him anyways? :)

Haha... Here's a few situations in our Reproduction class (courtesy of Mr. Joash Choo Xuein Khye) - I bet he doesn't even know I copied his fb statuses here.. :P

(in a class on the reproductive system)
Mr.Eric : students, i'm going to be a bit er, naughty in this chapter, cos i will ask the girls to explain about the male reproductive organs and the boys to explain about the female reproductive organs.
Joash : don't worry sir, i'm sure we've all got a lot of experience... in these matters.

Mr. Eric turned turned red :D I went 'awhhh'.. haha :)

(in a class on the reproductive system 2)
Mr.Eric: so do you guys want to have a break or go on to slide 50? cos we're at slide 49 now.
student (female): sir, just go on lah.
mr eric: okay.
*switches to next slide. the title is 'penis'*
...mr eric: *grinning cheekily* now i know why you wanted to go on to the next slide

=='' Hahaha.. *rolls eyes*

(in a class on the reproductive system 3)
Mr.Eric: mr joash, what is a woman?
Joash : er, a woman is a feminine counterpart to a man.
Mr.Eric : yes, but what do you think about women?
Joash: oh. they smell good, sir.
...*class erupts into laughter*

Hahaha, that was funny! :D Mr. Eric then went on to ask Ariff his opinion on women. To which Ariff replied something like 'complicated, hard to understand, sensitive'..and Mr.Eric replied ''Oh, careful Ariff..If not tomorrow we'll see you blue black with bengkak here and there''.. hahaha -courtesy of Ariff's girl, hahaha-

Mr. Eric makes this chapter kind of fun. :)
But I still dislike this chapter. Biologically I mean.

But on the reproductive part, I think it is one of God's most amazing gifts to mankind. :)

Blood Typing

Did the blood typing experiment in bio lab this week. I knew my blood type even before doing the experiment, but what the heck. :) They had to use this needle, the pen used by those with diabetes, to poke our fingers to get the blood sample. I watched all my friends getting poked first and all of them said there was no pain. That gave me courage I suppose. Taranya then poked my finger for me and I screamed. Literally.

It hurt. :(

Then I asked Vino, ''how come yours didn't hurt but mine did? :('' and she replied ''Nah, it hurt really bad. I just lied.''

Nice. haha..

My blood was a nice healthy red. And I dropped blood everywhere on the table except on the slide. Bad aimer. ==

Anyways, from the experiment, I discovered I was of blood group O positive. Yeah :D So before I get married (IF I do) I have to check to see if his blood matches mine :o - Miss Mun Yee's and Husna's advice..

Anyways, min showed me this : Characteristics of people with blood type O.

People with blood type O usually have a big role in motivating the passion of their groups and stimulating the harmonious relationship among the group members. They look like people who accept and do something calmly.

They are smart to cover up their feelings, so they look like people who are always cheerful, peaceful, and do not have problem at all. But, if they cannot bear it, they will surely find out a place or someone to talk.

They are kind, often do kindness, and are not reluctant to get out of their money to other people. They are actually stubborn too and have their own opinions about anything in confidence, but they are also flexible and easily accept new things. No wonder that they lean to be influenced easily by other people. Look like people who are temperate and believable, but they also often make big mistakes because of their careless characteristic. However, their characteristics make them lovable.

During the experiment, we discovered there were MANY O+ve. Like, literally. Me, Vino, Mero, Priyaa, Yasmin, Husna..and the list continues. :o

Distraction

Sigh..taranya's desktop is like..so huge that..I can't help going on facebook instead of studying.. Distraction lahhh.. :/ Where's my laptop T.T

So plan for today..study bio, then do all the usual stuffs for bio lab report ..then start doing that design for the board game. I've to wait till all my housemates wake up (it's 2pm but fatin and min went to Broga Hills at 3am O.o) ..

My right eye can see ghost.

Nahh..haha, it's sore. I keep scratching and scratching, but it's not turning red. I want it to turn red..then I can go around and have people asking me ''what happened to your eye???'' and I can reply seriously ''My right eye can see ghost'' ..

Like that chinese movie, have ya watch it? More a comedy than a horror movie. But that's ''my left eye can see ghost''.

Yes, I'm crapping I know. See what I'd do to not study bio? :/

Study

Yeah, well..at least I TRIED.. right?? :(

Study

MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY.

But no mood. People are usually like, geared up for last sem, but it's like, opposite for me. I just feel like, lying down all day and watch movies and stuffs. maybe blog yeah. Don't feel like touching Bio or Physics or Maths at all.

MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY.

Maybe I need to get my sem2 results first. And then when I see how screwed I am, maybe then I'd be geared up.

Maybe. Hopefully.

MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY.

Hmm...I'll start tomorrow.

Second Day of New Semester

So eventhough it's already the second day, I still feel quite new. We had our first Bio 2 class and it was taught by our prev lecturer, Pn.Hidayah. At first I was disappointed as I was really looking forward to have a new lecturer, you know, a new experience in biology. But then I found out that different lecturers handle different chapter.. We have Pn.Hidayah ( - ), Miss Mun Yee ( :/), Mr. Eric ( L.O.V.E ) and Mr. Mahathir ( ?) .. We've never been taught by him before but I heard he's good, so kinda looking forward to it.

Then we had our physics lecture. A new lecturer for us. Mr. John. He's from Indonesia and we couldn't quite grasp his accent. At first I had a tough time understanding him, but then I catched up but just a bit =='' But it was a riot when he started taking attendance. He couldn't pronounce our names right.. Aainaa = Ana / Aaaaaainaaaaa (he actually dragged her name longer because of the double A's O.o) ..Inaz = Nice .. (??) ..Youwannia = Youdaaniyaa (where did the D come from?) .. Vimalesh = Vivimal .. haha.. At first I tried controlling myself because I thought it wasn't nice to laugh at him, but then I couldn't help myself, it was so funny!.. He's kinda cute too..and other than whatever he says being not understandable, I find the accent sexy ;) But because I couldn't understand him, he lost my attention (and my heart :P) during his lecture. My mind (and heart :P) went elsewhere. =='' I'm starting to miss Dr.Azah.. (our previous physics lecturer.. who was..weird) .. I don't mean to stereotype or anything..but .. .. *guilty* :/

I think I'm falling sick. My nose keeps running and I can't breathe. I have to keep blowing but then, nothing comes out!! (??) And my throat hurts too.. I don't have any medicines but I think I'd better start taking them. I don't want to get sicker, especially when this is the toughest semester. I mean, imagine having 2 lab reports, 3 tests, 2 tutorials every week? And I didn't even count the presentations yet, and trust me, CUCMS is famous for their presentations! ==''

July intake is sorta scaring me. We share two classes with them, Bio and Physics..and it's only the second day but you should see the amount of notes they have..they're like all geared up. Now don't get me wrong, that is a good thing, I so want to be like that but..I don't know..I'm just not. Have to try harder! Gambatte! :D Everyone's in the mood to study already. Let's see if that actually happens. ;)

Wish me luck!

P/S I miss my best friend. :/ Viiiii.. :O

Start of New Semester

I'm back at my hostel after having one week break (the end of sem2) and I'm surprised at how fast that one week passed by. What happened to my diet plan? Oh yeah, I couldn't wake up in the early mornings to go jogging at the park.. In the evenings though, the spirit was there for like..3 days (2 days longer than I expected so I should congratulate myself).. But it's okay, I'll start eating right, one of my resolutions for semester 3.

My apartment is quiet. Fatin and yasmin went out to watch a football game between ..I don't know, I don't really watch football. Husna is cleaning her laptop cause it was infested with ants while Meera's asleep. Pity her, her new semester starts with a fever. Taranya's not back yet. The only sound I hear is the sound of the fan and me going crazy on the laptop keys. My stomach feels weird, cause I'm thinking about semester 3. It's going to be tough, that I know. We have so many subjects - Bio 2, Physics 2, Maths 2, PCP 3, Intro to Medicine and Pharmacy .. I'm also thinking about the lecturers. I hope we get those really experienced but cool ones? I'm not fussy or anything but yeah. And the results for sem2, I'm SURE they won't be out tomorrow. My college is the kind that when it's concerning the fees (MONEY), they paste those papers on the boards saying stuffs like if the yadda yadda amount is not paid by yadda yadda date, this yadda yadda person will not be allowed to sit for the yadda yadda examination. But when it's concerning other stuffs ..for example the fridge, the oven, the staircase in my apartment, the many complaints we made MONTHS AGO still goes unanswered. Yes, very efficient. Anyways, back to the examination results, they won't be out for a few weeks but I think I did ..well, I don't know what to say. I think I did bad but I don't want to say it out in case I jinxed it or something.. but I do really hope I did okay.. If I'm lucky, I hope I did good (GREAT is a long shot) .. But yeah, at least I PRAY for it to be above 3.0 .. There, another resolutions, study harder with friends so to improve both mine and their results. :)

And then the people. My relationship with my family is..I don't know what happened to THAT relationship. It feels like we're from different planets. Sometimes I feel like ...my presence, my very existence in my family is wrong, a puzzle piece that is in a place where it fits but the picture's wrong. But then all of a sudden, from nowhere, a feeling arise and I feel love, warmth..and I feel like it's right, the picture is right. But that last just for a few seconds before the old feelings are back. So another resolution, improve my relationship with my family. Planning on making that feeling stick, I want not only to fit, but to love the picture and think it's beautiful no matter what picture it really is. Then, college. I'm still really not out of my shell yet. I don't know why. Perhaps it's the language barrier? That my housemates are so fluent in BM and I take one minute to finish a 10 words BM sentence. So instead I just listen, and join in here and there. Oh, here's another new sem resolution, improve on my BM speaking skills. Oh, and since we're talking language here, I should also improve my tamil, as it ..sucks (literally speaking). Furthermore, I've done tons of mistakes, hurting few of my friends, disappointing others..and I'm planning to work on it. I've accepted what happened and I'm going to try to be a better person. Less selfish. Someone once said '' Patience with others is love, patience with oneself is hope and patience with God is faith ''. That sparked something in me I guess. So if there's anyone out there reading, whether it's a friend at college, a friend at home or a friend far away, I'm sorry for all my mistakes in the past and please give me another chance to make things right. Don't loose hope in me, not just yet. :)

So as you can see, my stomach feels one kind because there's lots of thoughts running through my head. And I'm nervous, thinking about what's there to come. And this is just the new semester. Imagine how I'd be like for something else that's bigger, perhaps my wedding.. (I think I've been watching too much of How I Met Your Mother).

But yeah, one step at a time.