Meet our christmas tree!

Haha yeah I know =.='' We were actually planning on getting a christmas tree for so long, to make our room more ''chrismassy''. But well.. Karu went drinking the other day and she got these two cards, and she made a 3D stick out kinda thing. Cool huh?

O.o''
Well, at least something, right? :)

Leave some morphine at my door

Its almost 1am Tuesday morning. And I'm excited.
Hev's asleep on skype and I'm doing my assignment.

I'm STARVING.

I keep glancing at Henrina at the other side of the room. She has her hair tied up in a bun that is sticking out at the TOP of her head. And she's singing and smiling to herself, at the laptop screen.

Karunya's behind me, in serious concentration. She's doing her assignments and watching How I Met Your Mother. But the look on her face, makes it seem like she's watching some war movie. O.o''

I'm HUNGRY. :(

There's bread in the cupboard but I'm lazy to go over there to get some. Yes, continue starving or eat right? Dilemma dilemma.
Actually, not a dilemma. It's called being a PIG.

I'm excited for Friday. Going home! For christmas!

That's all I keep thinking about. I plan to FINISH the assignment tonight (TONS TO DO :/) and finish biochem tomorrow! And start on patho , pack on thursday and friday, FLY HOME. :)

ANDDD I'm excitedd.
It's christmas.

:O
I shouldn't be so excited right? Have high expectations only to be disappointed o.o''
Sigh.

Oh well, I'll just be happy that I'm going home then. :)

I'm craving for McD. :O
Henny & I both actually.

We've been saying these past few weeks that we're gonna go get McD. But 'till today, we've only been just SAYING it. o.o''
FAIL. :p

HUNGRY :(

Kay darsh stop crapping and go back to work.

:o

HEY YOU READING THIS.
Hello. :)
(random) haha

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down

I'm through accepting limits
'cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity

If the world really ends

in 2012.

Imagine it happening.

What do you do? Tell your mum & dad you love them? Hug your brothers and sisters? Kneel down in prayer?

I think I'd freeze. I'd probably just stand there and cry.

I dreamt about this many times. And every time, I just freeze. I wanted to express the way I feel, let important people know how much I love them or how much I'm sorry for the hurt and the pain I've caused.
But I've never been able to do that, especially not with my family. I don't open up or share, no one does. It just goes plain awkward.

With people too. It's so hard to tell someone I love them or that I miss them. I usually muster all my strength in me that I can, and say it. Except for all the 'loves!' on facebook, that's just following the norm of the society. No, not about me blending in, but to not make anyone else uncomfortable.

I know I am getting better, I do work on it. Try harder. Because I don't want this part of me to stay the same. I want to be able to hug freely, express freely. I am already on the road to that.

But I was always afraid that just because I don't say it, does not mean I don't love. I just always wished they would know. Perhaps through signs. But even THAT I'm bad at. I can probably just go be a robot.

But what if they don't know? What if somewhere along the way, they missed the signs?

In my dreams, I'd tell myself, Darsh, say it! Tell them, it's now or never. But I never did say anything. I would always just freeze, and break down crying silently and as I feel the end coming near,

all I do is close my eyes.

Special

"Wait, I have a question for you.. Answer it, and it's back to fireworks and rockets red glare.

Answer it right, and I'll forget the last 145 years I've spent missing you.

I'll forget how much I love you,

I'll forget everything and we can start over.

This can be our defining moment.

Because we have the time..

That's the beauty of eternity."

-Damon Salvatore to Katherine.

I'm sorry but I had to do this.

Hello there, it's not Darshini Mahendan here.

I am Vivian Tan Bo Yee, her best friend in the whole wide world, who has just hacked into her blog, to tell her this ;

I love you so very much! You are one amazing best friend, and I am very, very grateful to have you in my life. :
You are precious, and I love you just the way you are. Remember that. :)

And oh, your password is sooo very predictable. So, change it before someone else figures it out. :P

-More pictures, when you are back here! :)

-vi-

Things that are currently on my mind

From least important to most :

- I don't like certain people's mentality where they're still in this small bubble that ..well, it's just plain SEXIST. Gender bias. And when you reason with them expecting a educational interesting discussion, all you get is crap. crap crap crap crap. O.o'' And then it's like they don't get the point because they don't listen, egoistic much.

- Need to go grocery shopping! :O Need to get shampoo, conditioner, FOOD, hair-tie (cause I lost mine and have been using Chimp's hairclip) ..so many things to buy.

- Thinking of going to watch Mayakam Yenna or something? Mum said to go watch. She NEVER asks me to go watch movies. Well, okay that's an overstatement. =.= She seldom does it. So I'm kinda curious about this. But I can't cause
(i) Exams are coming up
(ii) Henrina don't watch tamil movies, Karu going KL, Darsh already watched
(iii) EXAMS.

- Grace. Is she really out of my life for real? Is this it?

- Christmas :)

-Can't wait to go back home!! LIKE I WANT TO GO HOME RIGHT NOW.

-EXAMS :( :(

- Sigh hev. I'm sorry.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
Watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

At your own pace

Everyone experiences different things at different stages of life. At a age where you might be experiencing loss, someone else might be experiencing a win. A day when you experience sadness and someone else experience happiness.

That's life. It is not an absolute thing, it is constantly changing, or growing as how I'd like to say it, at a different pace for everyone.

On the topic of ''Love'' , yes, indeed, I guess it is a great feeling, for someone to love you, to care for you, to constantly care for you, text you, fight with you, sure, I agree. :) And I understand you're feeling all the 'wants' and the 'craving', especially at this age, and when all your friends around you have that 'special someone'.

But that time will come for you, when you're ready.

I think it's a great feeling too, to dream.
To wait, to hope, to wish for a happy future, not knowing if it's there to come. But that's what faith is about.
So until that other awesome part comes, you enjoy this part of the book okay?

You must always remember that. That there is no need to rush. Isn't it fun to enjoy every chapter of the book?
When you're a kid, you enjoy being a kid. And that goes on too, when you're a teen, when you're in the twenties, mid-life.. then there will be no regrets.
You won't find yourself wishing to go back to a time you've missed. There wouldn't be regrets.
And that's when you know you're really contented, and you can take anything as it comes.

I won't say that I'm lucky, I'll say that I'm blessed. :)
But so are you. Just that our ''timing'' ain't the same.
I have him now, you'll find him later on..if it's not anytime soon.

But 'till then, enjoy this ride.
So that once you find him, you'll enjoy that ride too.

Take everything as it go, and have fun.
At your own pace. :)

Awesomeness.. :)

Today after the symposium, we all decided to go to the park benches above the cafeteria. We all, as in..Divv, Jo, Henny and I. :)
We sat there, talking and after a while, we started singing.
Like crazy.
It didn't matter that we were out of tune or that we didn't know the words.

Then Lishaa joined us and we went for dinner. And then we took a long walk around AIMST. Singing. Well, Divv and Lishaa was talking.

Henny, Jo and I, we were singing. Walking together. At first it was all depressing songs, songs from experiences.
And funny thing?
Jo, Henny & I, all sorta share the same story.
About something.
And all the songs we sang, I could tell,
it was more than just singing..
We were pouring out our emotions.

After a while of singing those songs, we decided to change, and start singing Christmas songs.
Since well, it IS nearing Christmas after all. :)

Haha, ''On the first day of christmas'' was so fun :) And then we sang Do Re Mi, and Divv and Lishaa joined us,
we were singing like we were drunk
and there were echos of our voices around campus.

It was awesome :)
To just sing because..just because.
It doesn't matter if you're good, or bad, or sang out of tune,
it doesn't matter if you sang the wrong words, or if you didn't know the words..

What matters is that we were all singing,
happily.
Together.

:)

Yes, should do this more often. Looking forward to it.

My battery died on the way back though.
So imagine my happiness when I came back to my apartment to find Hev waiting for me on skype.

:)

Life is funny

I have a friend.
We hang out in a big group, poke fun at each other,
crack jokes,
tease each other like crazy.

But at nights, we talk.
About lots of things. Things that are deep.
About life, about relationships,
about us.

And I'm not sure what impression I leave on him,
but he helped me understand lots of things.
Things that I had trouble coping with,
dealing with,
but now I'm starting to understand.

I hope I've helped him too though.

He said yesterday

''Life is kinda funny. Sometimes you'll meet people in your life to help you clear stuffs up.''

To help you deal with things,
to help you see,
to help you understand.

And I guess, I understand now.

Letting go, forgetting, forgiving.

Healing.

Bittersweetness.

''Drifting off to see the world''

Random

The sunset over the lake two weeks ago :) It was beautiful :) My camera could not even capture the beauty, not even close. But oh well, something than nothing right? :)

From inside the car (yes, it rained :) -


The sky was a pretty blue and I couldn't resist taking this pic but look closely :) Can you spot my fingerprint? Haha, I should keep my fingers off my camera lenses =.=''

ALL ZE' BEST!

For STPM!
I know you girls can do it!
I believe you can!



Eat well, get enough sleep,
don't get TOO stress out.
Just do your best, and He will do the rest. :)

Tons of love, know that my prayers are with you. :)

Miss you girl loads, looking forward to meeting up with you during the Christmas hols!
-yes yes I've explained in the texts I know :P-

I miss you so much :'(

The hardest part about coming to Kedah is that I'm MILES AWAY from you.

Still not used to that part yet.

My visit to cyber :)

This was WEEKS ago.

E33AB :) Fatin & Taranya weren't there, but awhh I miss them :'(

Hahaha, everyone's hands around me :P *SYOKSENDIRIMOMENT* :)

Cute ain't it? :) :) (Yasmin, Meera, Husna)


The girls :)


Met two new members of the family. Teeba (from AIMST) & Kalnisha.. They're so sweet. :)

Everyone :') Priyaa & Renee ain't in the picture. Didn't get to meet up with Renee that day. sigh.


Vino & I. :)

Was planning to blog about this for so long but then, with the sucky net and everything, couldn't. So aimst line is back and here they are. :)

I miss cyberjaya soo much. :'( I love aimst already, but still, there's always a part of me that still call cyber HOME.

I still write cyber's ID here in aimst.. when they ask for the id number, I always write FD, then scratch that off, followed by my aimst ID number.
And when people ask which apartment I'm from, I go EE3AB, then I remember, ''no wait, haha, it's C3B'' ..
-What's up with 3s and Bs? O.o'' haha

Oh well, I can have more than one home anyways, right? :)

Dream 21st November 2011

Had a freaky dream. o.o

Dreamed that Arun screwed up his SPM and went crazy on the family, came to kill us one by one.

Insane, I know.

But I woke up worried.

He has been spending his school years just LIVING for SPM.
Studying all the time, aiming for that Ireland scholarship.

The other day my mum called and told me about Arun 'screwing up' the English paper. He didn't read the literature question properly and end up answering a whole other different thing. He walked out of the hall and broke down crying.

I told my mum that they (my parents) stressed him out too much. English, the easier paper, and imagine the stressed he felt.

I hope everything turns out WELL, if not fine, for him.
He deserves it.

This is how we roll :P

Haha was taking pics of myself while on skype with Hev when I talked him into taking pics with me. :) Hilarious much? :)

I am who I am

I'm quiet.
I don't say much.
I get mood out easily.

I'm VERY sensitive.
I need anger management.
I still need to learn how to be patient.

I know how to cheer myself up.
I'm dependable on people, physically.
I don't know how to do much things, yes I admit.
I'm a spoiled child.
But I'm NOT a brat. I'm always willing to learn.

I depend on myself, emotionally.
I have walls, and it's hard to go through them.
Because of that I've hurt many people, and in that process,
I've hurt myself.

I trip easily. Everyday, all the time.
I sing to myself, a lot.
I make up songs when I'm bored. They sound horrible, but I don't care.
I keep singing.

I try not to let what other's say get to me.
Most of the time, they do get to me anyways. But I try.
And when I succeed, I don't care.

I'm scared of INSECTS.
Literally scared..like they can eat me, kill everyone and take over the world.
I scream, hide, hug anyone nearest to me.

I DON'T like milk.
The taste, the smell..I get nauseated.
That includes when I LOOK at milk, or when someone's drinking milk beside me,
or when I walk down the milk aisle in the supermarket.

I'm always scared.
Scared of the future, scared of the past.
I worry easily.
About my family, my friends, people, strangers.
I just don't know how to show it.

I'm strong when others are scared.
I'm protective.

I don't know how to express myself.

I LOVE kids. Babies, toddlers, kids.
I'm always around them, at parties or at get-togethers.
I play with every child I see when I'm out.
At the mall, by the road, at the clinic.
I can't help it, they just make me so happy.

The weather affects the way I feel.
When it's warm or hot, I get snappy.
When it's cool or it just rained, you'll find me very happy.

I'm the happiest during Christmas season.

I'm indecisive.
I take FOREVER to make decisions.
That's why I get headaches when I go shopping. I can't take it.
The pressure, of choosing.
And living with the decision.
Not just with shopping alone.

I'm easily distracted.
Even when I'm listening.
Whether to a lecture, or a friend's confession.
I try my hardest to CONCENTRATE, but I lose myself.

I think a lot.
I space out.
I cry easily.
I get emotional easily.

I'm all for justice, fairness and equality.

I don't judge people and I don't like being judged.
I believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.
I believe in second chances.

I believe in Him, want to be close to Him.

I love truly. And forever.
I just don't know how to show it.

I'm still figuring out myself.
Since I came to AIMST, I've actually been learning about myself.
The good, the bad,
Learning from my mistakes,
learning to love myself, and others.
Learning how to show it.

This is me.
I am who I am,
and you do what you can about it.

I'm just gonna run right through the rain
I'm just gonna dance right through the pain
I just wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum
Let my heart beat louder
Let my heart speak louder than my head (head, head, head)
Heart beat louder than my head (head, head, head)
Heart speak louder
Wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum
Let my heart beat louder
Let my heart speak louder than my head

Bites ;)

All I have to do

Is think of you.

:)

Sway to the rythm

I love how you're always there for me.
How you listen to me, your eyes never leaving mine, even when I look away.
How the lines on your forehead form when you're thinking hard.

I get scared when I talk about things, my feelings.
But you never rush me.
I love how everytime I pause, hesitating to continue, you nudge me softly,
word by word.
You wait patiently until I get there.

You've always waited, until I get to you.

Patience, something I don't have.

And I can tell you everything.
You never judge.
Even when I can see it hurts you.

When I get worried about you,
You start making light jokes of the situation,
so I'd smile.

You always do that.
I love how you notice every little thing I do.

How do you remember the things I say, when all I do is keep forgetting?
You remember everything.

How do you do that?

Sometimes my heart pains for you, to have fallen for me.
A mess.

But most of the time, I'm very thankful.
Because if you didn't,
and if you didn't show me you,
I wouldn't have.

I'm the lucky one.
Even though you keep insisting the other way round.

I'm thankful you know.
For you.
For us.



I'm a mess that way.
You're the glue that's holding us together.

All in time. :)

Goodbye hurts the most when people leave without saying them

There is a reason for everyone you meet in your life.
A reason why they are there in the first place.

Sometimes people are meant to meet, fall in love but not meant to be together.
To leave at a point, to go on separate paths.

Lessons to be learned, feelings to be felt.
Memories to be made, and remembered.
Or let go.

I don't know the rules that were meant to be followed.
I don't know the lessons that I was suppose to learn.

But I do know that I am grateful.
That it happened,
when it happened.
That you mattered,
when everything mattered.

When you're part of someone's life for so long,
mattered for so long,
it becomes a part of you.

Well, a part of me.
And I don't know if that part of me will always be there.

I want to let go,
to say a proper goodbye,
to talk about things,
things that were said,
things that were unsaid.

''If saying goodbye hurts so much, why do we say goodbye? Because it hurts so much more to keep holding on to something that isn't there. Like you're hanging off a ledge and someone is jumping up and down on your hands but you still can't let go. Like when you're little and you're being tickled...you shout for it to stop because it's torture, but then you go back for more, because somehow being tickled makes you feel safe and special.

Holding on is like that...but the torture is painful...and it doesn't make you smile. That's why we're supposed to say goodbye. That's why we're meant to let go''

And I want to let go.

RANDOM. LOTS OF IT!

Random pictures from my phone since last week :)

The seafood restaurant in Perlis. Watched the sunset. Believe it or not, these pictures were not edited. :)

In the car, loved the sky. :)

The view of the admin building from the library. The pond and the rocket tower. :)

Chimp's bracelette. :) Love the colour. (ps see if you can see my reflection on the beads)

The sky on monday. Took this on the way to class.

Few days ago. Was on the floor printing and I saw it was beautiful. The light from the sky and the roses. :)

Yesterday : The library's roof :)



Oh and um, wore saree for the first time ...to my cousin's wedding reception. Want to upload a full picture but the saree is too see through, and.. I'm kinda shy. SO TA-DAAAA.. =.='' haha..
Love the saree though. Thank you, mum.

Paperweight

Been up all night
Staring at you
Wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way
With so many before
But this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise
To go back to bed
I want to make you laugh

Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
I don't want to forget
Come daylight

Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket

And no need to worry
That's wasting time
And no need to wonder
What's been on my mind
It's you
It's you

Every word you say I think
I should write down
Don't want to forget
Come daylight

And I give up
I let you win
You win 'cause I'm not counting
You made it back
To sleep again
Wonder what you're dreaming

Holidays

I'm ecstatic.
That it's the holidays.

I've been waiting to come home for SO LONG.
Like SO LONG.

During my exam week, I lived every day countdown-ing to Friday. Pity hev, he's my victim.

(the week before)

''Hev, guess what?''

''What?''

''Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday FRIDAY!!''

(the next monday)

''Hev, guess what?''

''What?''

''Tuesday Wednesday Thursday FRIDAY!''

(the next day)

''Hev, guess what?''

''What?''

''Wednesday Thursday FRIDAY!!!''

(the following day)

Hev ''Ehh bi, guess what?''

Me '' What? ''

Hev '' Thursday FRIDAY!!''



Haha :) And then, the unexpected happened. Mum called and turns out, they got the days mixed up. That instead of going home on friday, I'd go home on Saturday..and stay a day in Kedah. I cried, a lot, mostly because I can't believe my own parents would get the dates mixed up after my CONSTANT reminders about 21st October 2011.

But then, change of plans because I would be left alone in AIMST (since everyone, LITERALLY everyone, went home on that day afternoon). I followed my uncle and his two girls to PENANG, stay with them (he has some conference) and follow them back to KL the next day.

And I'd say, it was an AWESOME beginning to my holidays.
It seriously was.
Because of the two angels.

My babies. :)

The minute my mum said his daughters will be there, I was all YES! OKAY! SURE! ..though still down, but what's the point right?
And yeah, awesome beginning.

Kaushalya skyping with Hev waaayy past her bedtime. See the excitement and the sleepiness on her face? haha :)



Khaush playing with my fingers on the way home.



The best part of the ride? She slept on me, my arm over her shoulders. She slept while playing with my hand, so for the next hour, she was just clutching my hand, softly.
It was raining outside.
:)

Taken in the hotel room. Was skyping again when Harshini pulled open the curtains and the light was gorgeous. :) Then they went to the window admiring the light, and I thought it looked beautiful. So I took out my phone and asked them to do random poses and I took this picture.


They attempted to be 'models' but instead, all I can think about when I look at this picture is
Freedom.
Light.
Flying.
Dreams.
High.

I reached home happy. Turns out staying up north one day extra, reaching home late one day later, was not such a waste after all.

And this upcoming week are full of plans to meet up with loved ones.
I've a feeling this is going to be such an awesome week. :)

Oh yeah, I've homework.
Screw that assignment lahhhh. :)

Ha. ha. I wish. Of course I'll do it.
Just, not yet.

CYBER TOMORROW!
With him. :)