I miss you so much :'(

The hardest part about coming to Kedah is that I'm MILES AWAY from you.

Still not used to that part yet.

It's like GOSSIP GIRL IN AIMST!

DRAMA. DRAMA. DRAMA.

The fun, the fights, the rumors, the gossips, the heartbreaks, the tears, the friendship, the laughters.
It's crazy.

And it scares me, that studies are right now not the main focus of my life.
No, it really is. It is the main focus, it's the distractions I guess.
And getting into dramas, are not the kind of person I am.
Its a totally different environment, that's for sure.

I can honestly tell you, that you guys will love watching us. THAT's how DRAMATIC we are. I don't think I'm dramatic though, but hanging out with dramatic people sorta get you there, don't you think? Like Jenny & Dan, and how they got involved.

I can't blog about what's going on/happened because
1) Too public
2) I'll let Gossip Girl do her job ;)

Yes, we have a ''gossipgirl'' in our bunch too. And yes, she has a blog. Good luck finding it. ;)

A part of me is happy, because at the end of this journey, the beginning of another, I can look back at this and see much more..more than books and notes and exams.

''you know you love me,
xoxo, gossip girl. ;)''

Heartbreaks

The other day I was sitting and talking to Sugentha when Vi messaged. I was halfway replying the text when Sugentha went all ''Ooooo your boyfriend??'' .. Me ''Um, nope=.= Vivian :)'' .. She - ''Yeah but don't lie I know you have a boyfrienddddd'' .. me ''Err ..no lahhhhh'' .. she '' Don't lie laaa pandi. You so prettyyyy and girly girl sure many guys like you. Not like mee.. So saddd ahhh :(''

The conversation went on to how I explained to her how awesome she is and her denying it.

Sugentha is a really awesome person. She says the most randomest things that can literally crack me up until I had to sit down on the floor to stop myself from laughing, because my stomach hurts so much. She's really loving and caring, and very thoughtful too. Like, when I refused to eat because of *the F word*, she literally fed me. =.= When some of my friends left their plates at the cafe table and left, she didn't want to burden the cleanliness dude, so she took all the plates and put them at the wash section. Ain't she sweet? I couldn't help thinking about the way she feels.

But guys, well not ALL (ain't gonna stereotype cause I know a few wonderful guys) are so influenced by the mass media, about 'hot' and 'sexy'. My friends here told me that guys have that checklist, and that they wouldn't give the time of the day to someone who does not qualifies the list, as in, they won't think about them in that way.

I know the immaturity of this but it's sorta already been proven. I know tons of guys like that. I'm friends with them.

Like Sugentha for example. She may not be 'the dream' but I for one, thinks she's beautiful and wonderfully perfect. :) I understand that yes, it's those guys' loss for not knowing how wonderful she really is but it sucks that they make someone as wonderful as her feel so horrible about herself.

GRR. PISSED GILERRR.

And beside me another heartbreak story. :( Sigh..sedihnye.
Makes me wanna go beat those guys up. =.=

Oh yes, I'm VERY capable.
Don't mess with me. GRR.

Sometimes it lasts in love

But sometimes it hurts instead..

- Someone Like You by Adele. :( Everyone gets sad when they listen to this. Divv, Karu, Henrina..it's like, a bunch of ADELE EMO FREAKS. :/ They'll listen to it in class too and emo. Sigh drama people. I'm the worst though. I cry. =.=''

Past experience or not, nonetheless, it is a good song.

And I love this video.

I cried at that too.

The lyrics :

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead.

VINOSHA, go listen to this. :P Since you're always asking me for songs.. haha.. :)

The life of a medical student is full of drama. And I just started.
This is going to be interesting ;)

Tonight .=.=''

What's up with me and nights?
Anyways...
We didn't feel like studying today so we just walked around campus talking. Then we sat somewhere and played Truth or Dare. But because we were so lazy to do DARES we sorta just played TRUTHS anyways.

And I was taken on a ride.

I guess I was still in my little bubble, sorta 'away' from the current world. So when I have friends my age, or of different age talking about their personal experiences in life, at first I was curious. But then I got scared. Why, I don't know, but just really scared.

Questions like ''How many times....?''' with answers like ''20 on average?'' ..and questions like ''how long...?'' with answers like ''this long (demonstrates)''. When the question ''how long'' was asked I literally thought it was something like ''How long was your first kiss?'' ..but instead it was a whole other meaning. Questions about bj's and 'most extreme'..

The questions were sorta of the same theme but ranges over..well, waayyy over my imagination.
My curiousity level kept increasing but then at a certain point, I wanted the information to stop. Everyone turned to me and asked me if I was okay, and that they knew they shouldn't have had me exposed to this, but they thought that it was about time, being 19 and all.

But really? Do I REALLY want to know?
Everyone decided to stop playing as my face got expressionless and when I wasn't laughing anymore. On the way back, _____ & _______ kept asking me if I was okay and if I still see them in the same way as before.

I do I do, I don't judge people. But it's just, this is a whole different environment I'm in, with different people with experiences that makes them who they are. And I'm hanging out with them, which in time, will make me a different person too.

So why do I feel like crying so much?


I feel like a kid waking up one day and discovering that Santa doesn't exist.

And I can't seem to figure out why.
WHY? SERIOUSLY WHY?

OMG DRAMA much?
Or am I missing something?

In hiding.

I gave myself a haircut.

I look dumb.

I think they should make a comedy about me.
I'm like a walking talking comedy piece. ==''

Everyone's laughing at me. :/

Darsh, you're 19, please grow uppppp! :/

Starting college on monday looking like a chinese doll.
So getting a hat. haha

Lights Will Guide You Home

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Hachiko

Was bored today and I remembered the dvd. I had it for AGES but never watched it. So I put it on and watched.


And cried and cried and cried.

Towards the ending, my brothers came home and I had to stop all my tears which was EXTREMELY HARD to do. Cause' if they knew I was crying, they'd NEVER let me forget it. You know, kids. *rolls eyes*

The last part when Hachi died, I literally felt like I couldn't breathe. And Arvind was asking questions like '' Is he asleep? He just sits there the entire day, why is he tired?? '' ..and trying to sound normal I told him ''Hachi died..'' .. :(

Throughout the entire movie, I thought of how Hachi must have felt, to wait for someone he loves everyday for the next 9 years, just waiting. Waiting for no one to come. If I was one of those people there at the station, I would've broke down crying at the SIGHT of it.

And it's great that they made a monument of Hachi at the Shibuya train station in Japan. It's a tale that should be remembered. I could go on and on about the morality and stuffs but I'm afraid I'd cry again. ==


I think I've changed. When I was younger, I used to love movies that ended in one of the main character's death.
But now, I just want all movies to end happily.
I can't take deaths or sad endings like how I used to.

I'm not sure it's my movie preferences that changed or perhaps, it's me.

My eyes are red from all the crying.

Gah.

Aimst won.

Leaving for Kedah in two weeks.

1. TAK NAK.
2. Damn.
3. TAKKK NAKKK.
4. Sigh
5. Okay :(

Gonna miss CUCMS.

Ughhhhh :( .. But I have to do my best for my parents.
And I will be ready, in time.

Think positive! :) :) :)

Ugh.

Wake Me Up.

Dreamed something weird last night. And I'm going to drone on and on about it, so you can stop reading now if you want to :D

I dreamed that my college was having a carnival, except it was at my old school. My really OLD primary school, SK Seri Mega. All my college friends were there and we were all having fun, you know, the usual crazyness :)

At the end of the day we get to go on a ride, a HUGE ROLLER-COASTER, on top of the hill (at the back of Seri Mega school's field, there's a hill that is covered with greens). So after the carnival, we all hiked up the hill to head towards the roller-coaster?

(okay yes, I know some parts does not make sense :)

On the way up, we saw an empty chinese temple. But we ignored it and went higher up. I felt odd about the temple but ignored it, thinking about the roller-coaster. We finally reached the top and there was nothing there. So we decided to hike back down to the temple and ask anyone there.

When we entered the temple grounds, I was surprised, in a not good way. I dreamed about this temple, like 10 years ago, back when I was still living in Puchong. This temple is not a temple for the Gods, more like the temple for satan, or the pathway to hell or something. And they steal souls, until the people cease to disappear.

The last time I dreamed about this temple, I dreamed that my family went there for sightseeing, and they disappeared. Many people were killed and stuffs. But I managed to convinced them to let my family and I go, as long as we don't tell this to anyone. And in return, I had to promise them something.

I was befriended a little girl on my trip and I had to give her up. Because she was young, she had more 'life years' and energy in her, that they could make use of. I agreed.

And we left the temple, watching everyone disappearing.
Watching the girl being left behind.

I woke up from that dream feeling so guilty, I was depressed for DAYS.

Anyways, back to last night's dream, I was back to the same temple. Except, in my previous dream, the temple was full of people. But in this dream, the temple was empty. Other than the detailed characteristics, it looks like it had aged. Like 10 years.

I said to everyone ''I bet this is not it, let's go'' but Mero said let's just go check it out. She and Priyaa led the group towards a corner place where there was a souvenir shop. Izuddin said ''Eee mcm ada hantu je'' .. and everyone told him to shut up. I kept quiet trying to think if this was the same place, if it was going to happen again.

When we entered the souvenir shop, it was surprisingly new. Inside, there were three people. Two of them were the exact people from my previous dream! .. When I walked in, they smiled at me, as if they knew me from before, but quickly turned to my friends and asked them ''How may I help you?'' .. Fashli asked for the entrance to the roller-coaster and the guy said its through here but we have to wait for a while.

Priyaa then found a cool toy camera (??) and started playing around with it. Everyone started filling around the shop, looking at things to buy. Vino asked me why I look so weird but I said nothing.

As I look around the shop, it started to get weird. I kept getting flashes. For a while it would seem like my friends were browsing around and marvelling at all the things in the shop but the next thing, I'd see an empty shop, with my friends holding nothing but fully believing that they were holding something. The flashes kept going on and off for so long, I realised it was because I knew the truth, that this place is not real, and we had to get out of here, fast.

I turned and saw Mr.Shahril, working there. He smiled and told me there was nothing to worry about. I thought to myself, they're probably digging at our memory, trying to find a leader, a teacher that we trust easily, and found him. Because why on earth would Mr.Shahril be working at the Chinese temple? ..It made no sense. He just smiled at me and never took his eyes off me.

I told everyone ''Hey, let's go out for a second! We can look around!'' cheerfully and lead them out. Once out, I told them ''Let's get out of here, we can come back later with out lecturers or something :D'' .. Youwannia asked me what's wrong and why do I look so worried. I tried to hide it because I remembered, I was not suppose to say anything. That was as promised before.

I then said ''No, it's just this wait may take long so why not we go and get our lecturers or something? It will be more fun! :D'' ..Mero said she's lazy to go all the way back down and then come back up. Meera said the same thing too, and then she said 'JOM MASUK BALIK! SHOPPINGGG'' .. and practically half of the crowd went back in.

I turned around and saw a girl, standing, watching, from at the other end of the temple. I asked my friends ''Can you see her?'' and they all went '' um....who?'' ..

I started arguing and I can tell they got fed up. Taranya finally told me that if I want to, I can go call the lecturers myself. =='' And they stomp back in. Angrily. Annoyed. I couldn't tell. I was too worried I guess.

Vino and Renee told me they would follow me down if I want. I looked around and when I saw the girl again, the one whose soul I exchanged for my own and my family, I said ''Okay''.

On our way down, I kept turning back to see if the temple was there. It was, alright.
Till we reached the office, but when we came back out, it wasn't.

The entry to the roller-coaster was on some other side.
There was no route to a temple.
There was no temple.

The next day, the papers reported of more than 20 people went missing.
Without a trace.

Grrr.. I couldn't wake up today morning because I was so sleepy.
Dreams like this exhaust me.

And it amazes me, that I can still dream of the same thing more than 10 years later. The temple, the people, the details, were all so accurate.
Consciously, all this has long been forgotten.

But subconsciously, I guess the brain keeps track of everything..
Even weird dreams.

OMG GUILTY FEELING MUCH ==''

Nobody.

I always get so absorbed into books. I spent the entire day reading today. Sat by the window beside the piano and read. I don't usually sit there because I preferred my leather couch. Even on a hot day, the leather couch would feel cold.

But today I went over to the window. And sat there, listened to the water running in the fountain and I read.

I remembered today, for a while, I closed the book and began thinking about the characters. I thought for so long when I finally looked at the clock, an hour and a half had passed by.

And when I get so absorbed into books, I get absorbed into the characters' emotions as well. This novel I'm currently reading centers around death, love and longing. And how everyone just yearns to get away. It's sorta a depressing book with a secret beneath all the lies.

Before I read this book, I checked the reviews online. I always liked doing that. To expect what lies ahead so I won't be disappointed. The reviews were bad. Many said they were let down, it was boring.. and compared to Audrey's The Time Traveller's Wife, this is rather disappointing.

Her Fearful Symmetry.

But I don't feel it's boring at all.
Maybe it's because I understand the characters. Deeply at that.
To have loved and lost. And to yearn.
But also, I wonder, to have lost someone he loved for years. Someone who had became a part of him. So when she's gone, how does he move on exactly? To always feel like there's a part of you missing. Restless, tired. Feeling like wanting the feeling gone but nothing to do about it. People speak about ''accepting lost and moving on'' but how do they know exactly how does one feel?
Perhaps you can get over someone you loved once before, what's there to say it would be the same for someone else?

I think, love, everyone loves, yes.
But no one, loves the same.

So I've been going around the house feeling depressed.
Good news, I'm coming to an end. haha..

Will blog about the story soon. Well, maybe.
But I think maybe not.
I'd just rather not think about it.

Amirul Zaki

Was chatting with him on facebook. After so long. Missed him a lot.

That is .. until.. :
=='' Gee.. thanks Mirul, thanks a lot. :( HAHAHA :D

But I tried to turn things around :



;)

Spent the first quarter of the day sleeping.

The second quarter crying my eyes out.

The third, stuffing myself with food like koko krunch and nutella. And mixing them both.

There's another quarter left.
Maybe I should use it to finish my homework. Since I have tons.
When do I ever have none exactly?

'' Some of you might wonder what it's like to have a broken heart. For me, it's something like this ;
it makes you lose confidence in trusting someone..and it makes you not wanting to have a relationship..ever again''

Why can't we be friends?

I'm thinking about all the incidents that had occur recently.. Regarding friendship. Stories of back-stabbing and lies and hatred, are all flooding until every status updated on facebook, is a dedication, and most, not at all nice. From my opinion, I don't think there's anyone at fault really. Things happen. Sometimes people say something, and it sounds mean. Sometimes people hear one thing and misinterpret it for another. Sometimes the stories you hear and not true.

But sometimes, you believe. You believe the stories, eventhough at first it seems weird and unlikely. And then you start seeing it. The question here is that are you seeing what you really are seeing, or are you just seeing what you want to see, what you want to believe?

And this resulted in so many disagreements, so many break-ups, until many has to take sides. Both party ends up being hurt, and everyone just pretends nothing happened, pretending that they're the superior being, and that they're much better off.

I don't see it that way.. well, at least I don't want to. I think no one wants to get hurt, and no one wants to hurt others. It's just a series of coincidence that makes it seem something, that is actually not there. That it's all a misunderstanding.

And even though, if, let's say that person deliberately WANTS to hurt the other, I think this is the learning process. We need to learn how to control our anger, our jealousy, our hatred. To be human, we do have these feelings, but the key is mastering them.

I am of no exception. There are times when I get extremely jealous, when I get angry seeing others obtaining gifts or talents, obtaining success without any hardship. I am very capable of mustering hatred until every cell in my body feels like it's on fire. But I think I'm still safe, because there's something in me that tells me these feelings are wrong. I forgive myself for feeling this way, but I have to improve. I have to muster every strength in my body to only be capable of loving, caring, trusting and especially forgiving. Because I want to learn, because I want to improve. Because I want to be a better person.

And I do believe this is the way it should be for everyone. To want to improve themselves. Not to go ahead minding their own business, continuing hurting others and themselves in the process. Sure, I do know that it's an individual choice, but wouldn't it make the world a better place by doing the former instead of the latter?

It may be hard at first ..to apologise, and to forgive.. But then it gets easier. Cause time heals all wounds.

Remember that story our lecturer told us? About how one day a doctor was raped on the way home, and a few days later a patient walked into her office for a check-up and it was her raper? And instead of chasing him out, she treated him, just like any other patient of hers. I think that is really admirable.

So if a doctor can forgive her raper, a mother can forgive her child who committed murder, a daughter can forgive her parents for abandoning her.. Wouldn't it be easier for us? A group of young teens can forgive each other for a few mistakes here and there, right? :)

At the end of the day, it's just ''Why can't we be friends?''. You see, God would not have made us meet if He didn't want us too. This is a plan.
We are all part of each others' lives for a reason. :)

New beginnings?

Today we heard news. About our friends who decided to leave due to..certain events. Anyways..it's going to be hard. We're loosing another two of our housemates (and friends) ..and then..left four of us in this apartment. I'm going to miss them.

I hope and pray that they'll find happiness and awesome friends in the new place when they'll be able to pursue their dream. I pray they keep their courage and hope, unscarred by anything hurtful that has happened in the past. I pray they are successful in whatever they do. I hope we're not forgotten, I pray we're remembered.

But mostly, I pray ..that this relationship ..our relationship..doesn't change. Hopefully, they grow stronger? ..''Distance makes the heart grow fonder''.. I hope it's applicable in this case.

I wish them all the best. No tears from me..I've never cried at anything happy I think.. because everything here happens for a reason. Make the best out of everything..and if everyone ends up happy, why cry about it..? :)

We'll meet again.. hopefully at weddings, parties and births...I dread the funerals. ==''
But that's life. Unexpected. A teacher. Full of bittersweet moments. We're blessed. To have met and know each other.

Dedicated to Fatin and Meera.
Love you two. :) Take care.

How I Lost My Pencil

Okay, so I don't know 'how' exactly..and yes, I'm well aware this is not something you can make a tv show out of..but nonetheless, it's important. My pencil.

I was packing my bag ready to leave for cyberjaya when I had this 'feeling' and went I checked my pencil case, I realised my orange mechanical pencil was missing. All of a sudden I felt something overwhelming me.. I started searching frantically..in silence..paying attention to my heartbeat that was beating at a fast rate. My family realised that this was something important to me and they started searching too. The living room, stationary sets, everyone's pencil box, the rooms, the kitchen..even the bathrooms. But I couldn't find it.

In the car on the way back to cyber, I broke down crying. To think that I've lost my pencil for good. It was then that I realised it wasn't the pencil exactly that I was mourning about, it was everything that came with it. The memories.

I'm the kind of person that saves memories in objects. Everything I have is linked to a memory, a feeling..something that by just touching the object, I can remember everything sad, happy, bad..bittersweet moments that have occurred..with that object as a witness.

That pencil witnessed amazing memories. During my form 4 & 5. It witnessed my relationship with vivian, anna and phyllis..how we came to be..and how we broke. It witnessed those debate moments..the times we won and the times we lost. Those times we studied, researched..I used it during my SPM..it was there with me when I broke down crying because I was over-stressed. Those were the memories that came with it.

And to begin with, it isn't even my pencil. It's Vi's. I loved it and I bought a purple mechanical pencil..but it didn't share the same warmth the orange one did. So instead, vi took mine ..and I took hers.. The orange mechanical pencil. It became mine.

And now I've lost it.

But loosing this orange mechanical pencil taught me something. I shouldn't tie memories down to objects..what happens when an object goes missing? What happens to the memories that's tied to it.. Do they go missing too? Will you remember them? Or do they go forgotten..together with the object..buried in the grave. So it'll be safer..and better to store..to save them in my memory. Higher chances loosing an object than loosing your mind...right?

I need to get a new mechanical pencil.
I'm thinking..an orange one.

Happiness

The other day I was recalling an incident to Vi and I realised..I could tell everything from A-Z. Every memory, every word, every expression, I had them sewed to my mind. And when I was trying to recall another incident, it was a blurry image. Not that it was completely forgotten, no..but it took even harder for me to tell..because of loopholes here and there.

The difference between those two memories? The first being a hurtful one, the second being a joyful one.

I'm not sure if it's just me, or if it happens to everyone else too, but I can recall perfectly hurtful events that has occured in the past. I think it's because of the strong emotions you feel. Feeling pain is a much more stronger emotion than feeling happiness. And when you feel something so strong, everything gets embedded in your mind.. the feeling, the hurtful words, the angry tones, the sarcastic smiles.. Until even by just thinking about it, you can feel the same emotions you felt all those years ago.. Ironic isn't it? To remember clearly what hurts, when all you wish for is to forget.

But then I think, happiness is what you CHOOSE to remember. If you choose to remember the happy bits of your life, then you'll be happy..instead of remembering the hurtful events..

But then..what if you don't get to choose? What if it's just forced into your memory? No matter how hard I want to get it out, get it erased..I can't. It's been done, it has happened. And it's not going to go anywhere until...you do something about it.

To forgive, and accept what has happened. To let go of the emotions you felt, feel. And move on. Only then your memories won't control you. They just happen to be memories, an recallation of an event that happened in the past.

It's easier said than done.

A ghost story

Today we heard that a friend of ours overheard some 'stuffs' going on in her apartment around 4a.m, sounds that are not 'normal', especially not at that time of night. That story got me curious but that was just about it.

Later today, Vino, Renee and I stayed back at campus to study and the guard uncle was there. He told us about a few years ago when they kept the bodies *dead bodies* at our campus for the medical students to operate on..and how when he was there at night, he would hear sounds of people talking and crying..even there was no one there. He told us how at first how he was scared and then he got used to it..

Then when Vinosha told me that we should get used to it because as doctors we'd be dealing with stuffs like this everyday, it was like I got smacked on the face with a big book. It's true, and even though there are so many 'paranormal occurence in hospitals' stories in my head, but yet I never realised that I would actually have to deal with it someday. Those late nights calls..duty.. I shudder just at the thought of it.

The truth is, ever since that incident occur in my apartment (paranormal), I've been afraid of the dark. I jumped at every noise I hear and I still have nightmares every now and then. When I hear the door shut suddenly (due to the wind) or when the sound of keys (neighbours), my first thought quickly jumps to 'paranormal' and then, the realisation sets in. Most of the times it's not me, I'm scared subconciously. Like when I hear a noise, eventhough my head is trying to depicher it, my heart races..the fear. My heart knows it.

''Once you've seen the darkness, you can never go back'' - The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

Imagine me going through this when I was just an eye-witness, imagine my friend who actually went through it. She's so brave. Anyways, yeah.. I'm still afraid. And that is my mind playing tricks on me. Imagine if it's real.

I'll have to have strong faith in God (which I'm trying to build), courage and believe in myself. Of all things I'm looking forward to when I'm doing my housemanship (and after) ..dealing with the paranormal is the last thing on my list. Heck, it's not even on my list.

Unless if it's Casper.

Lost.

''I'm tired of people being angry at me all the time. It's like, whatever I do, for sure there's always someone out there who'll get mad. No matter what I do, I'll anger someone, hurt or disappoint. And it was never my intentions in the first place.. ''

''The entire time I was being myself. If me being myself makes you unhappy, then perhaps you should walk away. Perhaps we're not meant to be, perhaps you're better off. And no, I won't blame you. The old me would be sad and ..I don't know, hold on.''

''But before I came back from the holidays, my grandpa told me to not let anyone get to me. If you do things, and you think they're right based on its benefit to yourself and goodwill to others, then stick with it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And I believe him.''

''I'm sorry if I come off strong and angry..but hey, you made me.''

Those were a few lines from a post that I posted before this that I just deleted. I was afraid of it hurting anyone for I wrote it in anger. Truth is, I'm not the kind of person who would walk away. I'm the kind of person who stays. No matter how much I'm hurt, no matter how much I'm chided or laughed at, made fun of, when I love, I never leave.

And I guess, that is the reason I'm always left behind. Now, I'm no more tired. Now, I'm just wallowing in self pity. Pity that I'll always be here to be treated this way, and do nothing about it.
Because I'll be judged either way. So might as well.

I feel like this part of my life is the time I'm being tested. I've lost my fighting mood. No more courage, no more spirit, no more .. You win.