The Insecure Freak

Once in high school, a couple of friends came over to my place to hang out. And us being girls of course, we started playing dress up. So against my will, my then best friend literally forced stripped me and started throwing outfits at me to try on. My other friend stared and then out of the blue asked ''How do you live with yourself?''. I was confused ''Huh?''. And this friend said ''If I have a body like yours, I would cry everyday.'' And then she laughed and everyone continued doing whatever they were doing.

I was 14. I was a little plump but much skinnier than I am now, that's for sure. That statement of hers really did hurt me. And that was what started the insecurity about the way I look. I started avoiding mirrors and I totally gave up in dressing myself up because..well hey, what's the point?

7 years later and here I am thinking 'What a bully!'. 14 year old kids are just meant to have fun, not sucuumb to pressure about looking perfect. No honestly, I totally agree that if it affects the individual healthwise, then the weight problem should be dealt with. But there is this common misconception that skinny is healthy.

Now, at age 21, I am very far from skinny. And that is totally because of me. I love food and I am VERY lazy when it comes to exercising haha. But healthwise, I think I'm good. I have many beautiful and hot friends and when they fall sick very often with their flu, fever and cough, I only fell sick once in the past three years. When we went for hospital attachment and tour the hospital, my friend could barely walk after a few hours and had to sit at every stop. Me, I did not feel a little tired at all. I'm not comparing or anything and this certainly does not apply to everyone. I am just pointing out that being hot doesn't always mean healthy and vice versa. That's in the case with me. I do not have any health problems currently and medically, all my 'bodily levels' are within normal levels. So if you are going to look at me and tell me that my size is unhealthy, is it really because of my health or is it because of society's opinion on what beauty is?

I am not saying that I am Miss Fittest or what not, I am just saying that I'm okay now. And I was okay back when I was 14. But back then I did not have the guts or the understanding of all of this. I wish I knew back then because if I had stood up for myself then, I would not be the person I am today. 'The insecure freak'. Because even if your mind understands it, your heart will still feel the way you have felt all those years.

And if I ever had a chance to get into a time machine and go back to when we were all in that room throwing on clothes, I would tell that friend



'' Eff you and your beauty standards. I am NOT beautiful like you. I am beautiful like me. ''

And actually believe it.

I want to be

Two years ago, if you had asked me 'What do you want?', my answer would have been 'I want to be happy'. Ever since I could remember, that had always been my wish, my goal, my dream.

But I realise now that happiness isn't a destination, it is a mood. Like being sad, angry, jealousy, hungry. It isn't constant. There will be good days and bad days, and that is perfectly fine.

So if you're feeling down or terrible, and it feels like the world is unfair and everything is against you, just know that this too shall pass. We're all just rolling through the ups and downs of life.

So let's just not fight it. Let's just take it as it comes.