Once in high school, a couple of friends came over to my place to hang out. And us being girls of course, we started playing dress up. So against my will, my then best friend literally forced stripped me and started throwing outfits at me to try on. My other friend stared and then out of the blue asked ''How do you live with yourself?''. I was confused ''Huh?''. And this friend said ''If I have a body like yours, I would cry everyday.'' And then she laughed and everyone continued doing whatever they were doing.
I was 14. I was a little plump but much skinnier than I am now, that's for sure. That statement of hers really did hurt me. And that was what started the insecurity about the way I look. I started avoiding mirrors and I totally gave up in dressing myself up because..well hey, what's the point?
7 years later and here I am thinking 'What a bully!'. 14 year old kids are just meant to have fun, not sucuumb to pressure about looking perfect. No honestly, I totally agree that if it affects the individual healthwise, then the weight problem should be dealt with. But there is this common misconception that skinny is healthy.
Now, at age 21, I am very far from skinny. And that is totally because of me. I love food and I am VERY lazy when it comes to exercising haha. But healthwise, I think I'm good. I have many beautiful and hot friends and when they fall sick very often with their flu, fever and cough, I only fell sick once in the past three years. When we went for hospital attachment and tour the hospital, my friend could barely walk after a few hours and had to sit at every stop. Me, I did not feel a little tired at all. I'm not comparing or anything and this certainly does not apply to everyone. I am just pointing out that being hot doesn't always mean healthy and vice versa. That's in the case with me. I do not have any health problems currently and medically, all my 'bodily levels' are within normal levels. So if you are going to look at me and tell me that my size is unhealthy, is it really because of my health or is it because of society's opinion on what beauty is?
I am not saying that I am Miss Fittest or what not, I am just saying that I'm okay now. And I was okay back when I was 14. But back then I did not have the guts or the understanding of all of this. I wish I knew back then because if I had stood up for myself then, I would not be the person I am today. 'The insecure freak'. Because even if your mind understands it, your heart will still feel the way you have felt all those years.
And if I ever had a chance to get into a time machine and go back to when we were all in that room throwing on clothes, I would tell that friend
'' Eff you and your beauty standards. I am NOT beautiful like you. I am beautiful like me. ''
And actually believe it.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
I want to be
Two years ago, if you had asked me 'What do you want?', my answer would have been 'I want to be happy'. Ever since I could remember, that had always been my wish, my goal, my dream.
But I realise now that happiness isn't a destination, it is a mood. Like being sad, angry, jealousy, hungry. It isn't constant. There will be good days and bad days, and that is perfectly fine.
So if you're feeling down or terrible, and it feels like the world is unfair and everything is against you, just know that this too shall pass. We're all just rolling through the ups and downs of life.
So let's just not fight it. Let's just take it as it comes.
But I realise now that happiness isn't a destination, it is a mood. Like being sad, angry, jealousy, hungry. It isn't constant. There will be good days and bad days, and that is perfectly fine.
So if you're feeling down or terrible, and it feels like the world is unfair and everything is against you, just know that this too shall pass. We're all just rolling through the ups and downs of life.
So let's just not fight it. Let's just take it as it comes.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Perfect.
Just finished watching Chuck's series finale. And this song is just perfect. The series ended very well, I wouldn't have it any other way.
A year from now we'll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they're goin' to better places
But our friends will be gone away
Nothin' is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it's just as well
But I miss your face like hell
Been talkin' 'bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
If you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate
So if you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate
Rivers and roads
Rivers and roads
Rivers 'til I reach you
A year from now we'll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they're goin' to better places
But our friends will be gone away
Nothin' is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it's just as well
But I miss your face like hell
Been talkin' 'bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
If you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate
So if you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate
Rivers and roads
Rivers and roads
Rivers 'til I reach you
Monday, March 25, 2013
Goodbyes
It's ridiculous how I can cry for so many simple things. I connect emotionally with fictional characters, with animals, heck, even with objects. But when it comes to my life situations, I run. I do not want to feel. The minute feelings start creeping into me, I block it out, brush it off, pretend I don't feel anything.
It's easier that way.
When a character dies, I spend the day crying and then spend the next few days dwelling on it. I feel sadness for the story, deep anger and frustration that the story would have gone another way. Then more days passed, and I just feel sad. The series would be different without that one character. Few weeks passed, and another character becomes my new favourite. When I miss the previous character, I can always go back and watch prev episodes. Or even, google the actor out and ease my eyes.
It's different losing someone in real life.
Just lost my grandma. I did not even attend the funeral because I was 5 hours away and couldn't make it. I will never see her or talk to her ever again. Never in my life will I use the word 'pati' again because that word has always been reserved specifically for her. I was never close to her, but the feelings that come onto me, the pain, the heartache, like my heart is going to burst. I was never close to her, and the pain I feel is enormous. She's gone.
It's been 5 days and I haven't cried.
I haven't thought about it.
Now I'm thinking about it. 5 minutes post, and I'm back to blocking it out.
Because it's easier that way.
It's easier that way.
When a character dies, I spend the day crying and then spend the next few days dwelling on it. I feel sadness for the story, deep anger and frustration that the story would have gone another way. Then more days passed, and I just feel sad. The series would be different without that one character. Few weeks passed, and another character becomes my new favourite. When I miss the previous character, I can always go back and watch prev episodes. Or even, google the actor out and ease my eyes.
It's different losing someone in real life.
Just lost my grandma. I did not even attend the funeral because I was 5 hours away and couldn't make it. I will never see her or talk to her ever again. Never in my life will I use the word 'pati' again because that word has always been reserved specifically for her. I was never close to her, but the feelings that come onto me, the pain, the heartache, like my heart is going to burst. I was never close to her, and the pain I feel is enormous. She's gone.
It's been 5 days and I haven't cried.
I haven't thought about it.
Now I'm thinking about it. 5 minutes post, and I'm back to blocking it out.
Because it's easier that way.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Thursday, March 7, 2013
YOU take a chill pill haha
I am a very opinionated person. I like engaging in thought stimulating conversations and coming up with new ideas that can change people, the country and even the world. But what sucks is that I am in a generation where majority of the people like to crap about unicorns and rainbows. And when I give a valid opinion, it's always ''why you so tension?'' and ''chill''.
It gets really annoying sometimes. Well, most of the times. But I don't want to stop all these inovative discussions and stoop down to mere crap. I want people to rise up and talk. Like, actually talk. And people say that it's boring and not fun, it actually really is. Talking about making the world a better place doesn't mean it's not fun. Fun isn't restricted to mindless blabberings and bunch of words that makes no sense.
I like to crap, I do. But then, there's always a time and place for it.
People have different time and places for it, yeah, that I agree too.
If I don't go and comment on their ridiculous posts on facebook 'stop crapping and please talk smart' , then they shouldn't go and comment on my opinions 'relax' and 'chill'.
Because in the end, conversing intellectually is way better than conversing mindlessly. And people should get other people to talk smart too, not the other way round.
Again, just my opinion.
Which I know most won't probably get because, well, it's the generation.
I know very well I'm standing with very few on this.
It gets really annoying sometimes. Well, most of the times. But I don't want to stop all these inovative discussions and stoop down to mere crap. I want people to rise up and talk. Like, actually talk. And people say that it's boring and not fun, it actually really is. Talking about making the world a better place doesn't mean it's not fun. Fun isn't restricted to mindless blabberings and bunch of words that makes no sense.
I like to crap, I do. But then, there's always a time and place for it.
People have different time and places for it, yeah, that I agree too.
If I don't go and comment on their ridiculous posts on facebook 'stop crapping and please talk smart' , then they shouldn't go and comment on my opinions 'relax' and 'chill'.
Because in the end, conversing intellectually is way better than conversing mindlessly. And people should get other people to talk smart too, not the other way round.
Again, just my opinion.
Which I know most won't probably get because, well, it's the generation.
I know very well I'm standing with very few on this.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Love is a hormone
The feeling you feel when you meet someone, get to know them, fall in love and thinking about them all the time are hormones at work.
Just hormones.
Just hormones.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Keep Calm and Love Yourself
Quite a number of my friends have been posting on facebook about how ''being curvy is better than being skinny''. They go on about curves having its natural allure while 'skinny like sticks' aren't as interesting to look at.
I know a lot of things people posts on facebook aren't for the world to know, but it is more of a self confirmation. Posting something like ''I don't care what people think about the way I dress'' is actually implying otherwise. Because the truth is, if one truly doesn't care, she would not have posted that. So I understand that all the posts on curves vs. skinny are probably people learning of self acceptance and self loving. Which is good, actually. I have always wished that I have that kind of self confidence.
However, I feel that it isn't right for them to be posting about being curvy is better than being skinny. Everyone thinks that being curvy and 'big' is a problem while being skinny isn't one. But truth is, everyone has issues. I have tons of skinny friends who tries to gain weight but they just can't. And it hurts them. To always having to wear belts, getting themselves push up bras. Being curvy and skinny both has their perks and nots. Though however, it is true that society is more acceptable of being skinny than being curvy. It's shown in movies, books, advertisments, magazines, clothes stores. Being curvy is harder than being skinny, but that does not give one the right to compare the two like that. Because the truth is, to a lot of people, being too fat or too thin hurts the same.
What my friends on facebook should be posting is ''All shapes and sizes are beautiful'' or more along that line. This not only shows self-acceptance and love for thy own body, but also accepting others and love for other people, no matter the sizes and shape. There is no hatred, there is no need to compare. There is enough judging going around in the world, we don't need to bring that down here too.
It is a problem when your weight affects your health. Like how being obese makes it difficult to get around, and you tire easily. The same for being too thin, there isn't enough energy to get you through the day. Then that is when you do something about it. But if you feel fine, then you are fine. It isn't about the way you look, bottomline is, it's about your health.
Forget the judging, forget the trend.
Remember the meals. Remember the exercises.
But most importantly,
remember to love yourself.
Now, if only I can practice what I preach.
I know a lot of things people posts on facebook aren't for the world to know, but it is more of a self confirmation. Posting something like ''I don't care what people think about the way I dress'' is actually implying otherwise. Because the truth is, if one truly doesn't care, she would not have posted that. So I understand that all the posts on curves vs. skinny are probably people learning of self acceptance and self loving. Which is good, actually. I have always wished that I have that kind of self confidence.
However, I feel that it isn't right for them to be posting about being curvy is better than being skinny. Everyone thinks that being curvy and 'big' is a problem while being skinny isn't one. But truth is, everyone has issues. I have tons of skinny friends who tries to gain weight but they just can't. And it hurts them. To always having to wear belts, getting themselves push up bras. Being curvy and skinny both has their perks and nots. Though however, it is true that society is more acceptable of being skinny than being curvy. It's shown in movies, books, advertisments, magazines, clothes stores. Being curvy is harder than being skinny, but that does not give one the right to compare the two like that. Because the truth is, to a lot of people, being too fat or too thin hurts the same.
What my friends on facebook should be posting is ''All shapes and sizes are beautiful'' or more along that line. This not only shows self-acceptance and love for thy own body, but also accepting others and love for other people, no matter the sizes and shape. There is no hatred, there is no need to compare. There is enough judging going around in the world, we don't need to bring that down here too.
It is a problem when your weight affects your health. Like how being obese makes it difficult to get around, and you tire easily. The same for being too thin, there isn't enough energy to get you through the day. Then that is when you do something about it. But if you feel fine, then you are fine. It isn't about the way you look, bottomline is, it's about your health.
Forget the judging, forget the trend.
Remember the meals. Remember the exercises.
But most importantly,
remember to love yourself.
Now, if only I can practice what I preach.
30th Jan 2013
Different people have different likes and dislikes. We are all genetically engineered to be different. And that's okay. Different is good. Everyone doesn't have to be the same. Where's the fun in that? Though it is wrong to impose your likes and dislikes on others. It is also wrong to consider your likes and dislikes as superior to others and put them down.
The thing is that as you grow up, you meet people from all different walks of life. We are all growing up, moulding into who we are suppose to be. With every decision we make, every road we take, it plays a part in the person you turn out to be.
If you're a nerd, or an active person, if you're sociable, traditional, pious or whatever. Moderation is always the key, I suppose. But that's your own personal goal. You get to decide on who you want to be. Everyone else just have to live with that.
I know I'm probably not making any sense to you, but I make perfect sense to me. And thus, my answer is no.
And that's okay.
The thing is that as you grow up, you meet people from all different walks of life. We are all growing up, moulding into who we are suppose to be. With every decision we make, every road we take, it plays a part in the person you turn out to be.
If you're a nerd, or an active person, if you're sociable, traditional, pious or whatever. Moderation is always the key, I suppose. But that's your own personal goal. You get to decide on who you want to be. Everyone else just have to live with that.
I know I'm probably not making any sense to you, but I make perfect sense to me. And thus, my answer is no.
And that's okay.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Sunshine
I realised that I have been very hard on myself these past couple of years. I put high expectations and when I don't meet them, I would give myself a very hard time. The thoughts that run through my head, of not being good enough , of not being worthy, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not helpful enough. I never take the time to thank myself for all the good things I am.
And all I see in other people are the good things. Which is good, because my mind just seems to skip past all the other things. I like the way I view people. Of their wonderful character, good nature, lovely voice and all that. But then the judging in me comes, and I put myself way below anybody else.
I am now learning to forgive myself for everything I am not. It is okay to fail, once in a while. It is okay to make mistakes, to hurt other people on accident, to screw up. But what's not okay is holding myself accountable and making myself feel like I have to be punnished for every wrongdoings in my life. I find it easy to forgive people, but very hard to forgive myself. And this time, I am going to work on myself, to feed myself positivity and take awway the negativity. It's tirering and it drains your soul. I don't want to be that anymore.
I am going to try to be the sunshine, for myself.
And all I see in other people are the good things. Which is good, because my mind just seems to skip past all the other things. I like the way I view people. Of their wonderful character, good nature, lovely voice and all that. But then the judging in me comes, and I put myself way below anybody else.
I am now learning to forgive myself for everything I am not. It is okay to fail, once in a while. It is okay to make mistakes, to hurt other people on accident, to screw up. But what's not okay is holding myself accountable and making myself feel like I have to be punnished for every wrongdoings in my life. I find it easy to forgive people, but very hard to forgive myself. And this time, I am going to work on myself, to feed myself positivity and take awway the negativity. It's tirering and it drains your soul. I don't want to be that anymore.
I am going to try to be the sunshine, for myself.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
The choices you make for yourself may alienate
some people from your circle and life. But if that decision is what
makes you happy in this life, try to not let the guilt of making someone
walk away override the magnitude of the happiness that choice will
bring. Be it now or in the near future.
Things happen for a reason. People come and go for a reason. It is what shapes life. And you.
Things happen for a reason. People come and go for a reason. It is what shapes life. And you.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Hello 2013
Reading all the new year's posts on Facebook made me realise how I don't feel much about it. It's just another day, another year of the many years to come. It's a fixed cycle (unless another 'apocalypse' comes up) and because it is inevitable, I feel so indifferent about it.
But I have to agree with the start of the new year, there is just this enormous feeling of hope. Hope for better things, hope for change. I guess it's because of the whole 'NEW'. Everyone's posting new years resolution and I can also recall having posted mine on this blog the last new year. Haven't accomplished much from THOSE resolutions but have experienced much more.
I really want this year to be different. Something about turning 21 this year marks a huge transition. It isn't like any other age, but this is significant. No, wait, every age is significant. I don't know, turning 21 is just special. No, not the birthday party or the 'key'. More like the beginning of adulthood. The twenties.
So I really want 2013 to be different. But then again, I wished that for 2012 too. And 2011.
Okay, I should really stop contradicting myself.
I will try my best to make this year count.
But I have to agree with the start of the new year, there is just this enormous feeling of hope. Hope for better things, hope for change. I guess it's because of the whole 'NEW'. Everyone's posting new years resolution and I can also recall having posted mine on this blog the last new year. Haven't accomplished much from THOSE resolutions but have experienced much more.
I really want this year to be different. Something about turning 21 this year marks a huge transition. It isn't like any other age, but this is significant. No, wait, every age is significant. I don't know, turning 21 is just special. No, not the birthday party or the 'key'. More like the beginning of adulthood. The twenties.
So I really want 2013 to be different. But then again, I wished that for 2012 too. And 2011.
Okay, I should really stop contradicting myself.
I will try my best to make this year count.
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