Today we heard news. About our friends who decided to leave due to..certain events. Anyways..it's going to be hard. We're loosing another two of our housemates (and friends) ..and then..left four of us in this apartment. I'm going to miss them.
I hope and pray that they'll find happiness and awesome friends in the new place when they'll be able to pursue their dream. I pray they keep their courage and hope, unscarred by anything hurtful that has happened in the past. I pray they are successful in whatever they do. I hope we're not forgotten, I pray we're remembered.
But mostly, I pray ..that this relationship ..our relationship..doesn't change. Hopefully, they grow stronger? ..''Distance makes the heart grow fonder''.. I hope it's applicable in this case.
I wish them all the best. No tears from me..I've never cried at anything happy I think.. because everything here happens for a reason. Make the best out of everything..and if everyone ends up happy, why cry about it..? :)
We'll meet again.. hopefully at weddings, parties and births...I dread the funerals. ==''
But that's life. Unexpected. A teacher. Full of bittersweet moments. We're blessed. To have met and know each other.
Dedicated to Fatin and Meera.
Love you two. :) Take care.
Monday, January 31, 2011
How I Lost My Pencil
Okay, so I don't know 'how' exactly..and yes, I'm well aware this is not something you can make a tv show out of..but nonetheless, it's important. My pencil.
I was packing my bag ready to leave for cyberjaya when I had this 'feeling' and went I checked my pencil case, I realised my orange mechanical pencil was missing. All of a sudden I felt something overwhelming me.. I started searching frantically..in silence..paying attention to my heartbeat that was beating at a fast rate. My family realised that this was something important to me and they started searching too. The living room, stationary sets, everyone's pencil box, the rooms, the kitchen..even the bathrooms. But I couldn't find it.
In the car on the way back to cyber, I broke down crying. To think that I've lost my pencil for good. It was then that I realised it wasn't the pencil exactly that I was mourning about, it was everything that came with it. The memories.
I'm the kind of person that saves memories in objects. Everything I have is linked to a memory, a feeling..something that by just touching the object, I can remember everything sad, happy, bad..bittersweet moments that have occurred..with that object as a witness.
That pencil witnessed amazing memories. During my form 4 & 5. It witnessed my relationship with vivian, anna and phyllis..how we came to be..and how we broke. It witnessed those debate moments..the times we won and the times we lost. Those times we studied, researched..I used it during my SPM..it was there with me when I broke down crying because I was over-stressed. Those were the memories that came with it.
And to begin with, it isn't even my pencil. It's Vi's. I loved it and I bought a purple mechanical pencil..but it didn't share the same warmth the orange one did. So instead, vi took mine ..and I took hers.. The orange mechanical pencil. It became mine.
And now I've lost it.
But loosing this orange mechanical pencil taught me something. I shouldn't tie memories down to objects..what happens when an object goes missing? What happens to the memories that's tied to it.. Do they go missing too? Will you remember them? Or do they go forgotten..together with the object..buried in the grave. So it'll be safer..and better to store..to save them in my memory. Higher chances loosing an object than loosing your mind...right?
I need to get a new mechanical pencil.
I'm thinking..an orange one.
I was packing my bag ready to leave for cyberjaya when I had this 'feeling' and went I checked my pencil case, I realised my orange mechanical pencil was missing. All of a sudden I felt something overwhelming me.. I started searching frantically..in silence..paying attention to my heartbeat that was beating at a fast rate. My family realised that this was something important to me and they started searching too. The living room, stationary sets, everyone's pencil box, the rooms, the kitchen..even the bathrooms. But I couldn't find it.
In the car on the way back to cyber, I broke down crying. To think that I've lost my pencil for good. It was then that I realised it wasn't the pencil exactly that I was mourning about, it was everything that came with it. The memories.
I'm the kind of person that saves memories in objects. Everything I have is linked to a memory, a feeling..something that by just touching the object, I can remember everything sad, happy, bad..bittersweet moments that have occurred..with that object as a witness.
That pencil witnessed amazing memories. During my form 4 & 5. It witnessed my relationship with vivian, anna and phyllis..how we came to be..and how we broke. It witnessed those debate moments..the times we won and the times we lost. Those times we studied, researched..I used it during my SPM..it was there with me when I broke down crying because I was over-stressed. Those were the memories that came with it.
And to begin with, it isn't even my pencil. It's Vi's. I loved it and I bought a purple mechanical pencil..but it didn't share the same warmth the orange one did. So instead, vi took mine ..and I took hers.. The orange mechanical pencil. It became mine.
And now I've lost it.
But loosing this orange mechanical pencil taught me something. I shouldn't tie memories down to objects..what happens when an object goes missing? What happens to the memories that's tied to it.. Do they go missing too? Will you remember them? Or do they go forgotten..together with the object..buried in the grave. So it'll be safer..and better to store..to save them in my memory. Higher chances loosing an object than loosing your mind...right?
I need to get a new mechanical pencil.
I'm thinking..an orange one.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Happiness
The other day I was recalling an incident to Vi and I realised..I could tell everything from A-Z. Every memory, every word, every expression, I had them sewed to my mind. And when I was trying to recall another incident, it was a blurry image. Not that it was completely forgotten, no..but it took even harder for me to tell..because of loopholes here and there.
The difference between those two memories? The first being a hurtful one, the second being a joyful one.
I'm not sure if it's just me, or if it happens to everyone else too, but I can recall perfectly hurtful events that has occured in the past. I think it's because of the strong emotions you feel. Feeling pain is a much more stronger emotion than feeling happiness. And when you feel something so strong, everything gets embedded in your mind.. the feeling, the hurtful words, the angry tones, the sarcastic smiles.. Until even by just thinking about it, you can feel the same emotions you felt all those years ago.. Ironic isn't it? To remember clearly what hurts, when all you wish for is to forget.
But then I think, happiness is what you CHOOSE to remember. If you choose to remember the happy bits of your life, then you'll be happy..instead of remembering the hurtful events..
But then..what if you don't get to choose? What if it's just forced into your memory? No matter how hard I want to get it out, get it erased..I can't. It's been done, it has happened. And it's not going to go anywhere until...you do something about it.
To forgive, and accept what has happened. To let go of the emotions you felt, feel. And move on. Only then your memories won't control you. They just happen to be memories, an recallation of an event that happened in the past.
It's easier said than done.
The difference between those two memories? The first being a hurtful one, the second being a joyful one.
I'm not sure if it's just me, or if it happens to everyone else too, but I can recall perfectly hurtful events that has occured in the past. I think it's because of the strong emotions you feel. Feeling pain is a much more stronger emotion than feeling happiness. And when you feel something so strong, everything gets embedded in your mind.. the feeling, the hurtful words, the angry tones, the sarcastic smiles.. Until even by just thinking about it, you can feel the same emotions you felt all those years ago.. Ironic isn't it? To remember clearly what hurts, when all you wish for is to forget.
But then I think, happiness is what you CHOOSE to remember. If you choose to remember the happy bits of your life, then you'll be happy..instead of remembering the hurtful events..
But then..what if you don't get to choose? What if it's just forced into your memory? No matter how hard I want to get it out, get it erased..I can't. It's been done, it has happened. And it's not going to go anywhere until...you do something about it.
To forgive, and accept what has happened. To let go of the emotions you felt, feel. And move on. Only then your memories won't control you. They just happen to be memories, an recallation of an event that happened in the past.
It's easier said than done.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Nineteen Minutes
Spent the entire day studying (sorta) and when then I decided to take a break. Slept for a while, and when I woke, I saw a novel by Jodi Picoult next to me. I guess it was my reflexes that made me reach for it.. Even when I was half-asleep, I opened and started to read...and I couldn't put it down.
It's about a 17year old boy who one day walked into his school with a gun, and killed 10 people, wounded many, all in 19 minutes.
Jodi Picoult is one of my favourite authors. I love how she tells the story, whizzing back and forth from the past, into the future. One page would be the present, and the next would be '20 years ago'. I love how she makes it seem that everything's connected. One decision made 20 years ago, would affect things today. Even a simple decision, like not cleaning the cupboard or taking the shortcut instead of the usual route to work. Then ..I love how she introduces so many characters..how they relate to each other, even if it's a small relation. Like, the paperboy. You'd never know that because that paperboy wrongly delivered your paper, you didn't read about the news about a certain kid who met in an accident many towns away.
And that kid's your son.
I've read a few of her books. Keeping Faith, was about a young girl who was convinced she was seeing God.. The Tenth Circle, about a daughter who was raped, and her dad going all out to protect her. And Mercy, about a couple in love, the girl has cancer and ask her guy to kill her. And he did.
All of her stories always involve court cases. I love how she gets her point across..that she tries to tell her readers that there are no bad people in this world, just people who makes bad choices. There's always a story, a reason behind every person. Because no one would do anything to hurt someone else on purpose, there is always a reason.
''Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someone's ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end.
But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.''
Nineteen Minutes..is a book that after just reading the first two chapters, it got my heart beating fast. Because Jodi made me fell in love with this character, a boy named Peter. How he grew up loving and adorable, wanting to be like Superman. How he did all the nicest things and said all the nicest words. When he first got his glasses, he loved wearing them because he felt he had x-ray vision. All he wanted was to be liked by everyone. He stole my heart.
And then he walked into his school and killed 10 people. Revenge.
And when I couldn't come to terms with how someone like him, could do something as horrible like that.. Peter said this ..
''They started it''
I then stopped reading because..well, I just had to.
It's about a 17year old boy who one day walked into his school with a gun, and killed 10 people, wounded many, all in 19 minutes.
Jodi Picoult is one of my favourite authors. I love how she tells the story, whizzing back and forth from the past, into the future. One page would be the present, and the next would be '20 years ago'. I love how she makes it seem that everything's connected. One decision made 20 years ago, would affect things today. Even a simple decision, like not cleaning the cupboard or taking the shortcut instead of the usual route to work. Then ..I love how she introduces so many characters..how they relate to each other, even if it's a small relation. Like, the paperboy. You'd never know that because that paperboy wrongly delivered your paper, you didn't read about the news about a certain kid who met in an accident many towns away.
And that kid's your son.
I've read a few of her books. Keeping Faith, was about a young girl who was convinced she was seeing God.. The Tenth Circle, about a daughter who was raped, and her dad going all out to protect her. And Mercy, about a couple in love, the girl has cancer and ask her guy to kill her. And he did.
All of her stories always involve court cases. I love how she gets her point across..that she tries to tell her readers that there are no bad people in this world, just people who makes bad choices. There's always a story, a reason behind every person. Because no one would do anything to hurt someone else on purpose, there is always a reason.
''Nobody wants to admit this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain, and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someone's ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end.
But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.''
Nineteen Minutes..is a book that after just reading the first two chapters, it got my heart beating fast. Because Jodi made me fell in love with this character, a boy named Peter. How he grew up loving and adorable, wanting to be like Superman. How he did all the nicest things and said all the nicest words. When he first got his glasses, he loved wearing them because he felt he had x-ray vision. All he wanted was to be liked by everyone. He stole my heart.
And then he walked into his school and killed 10 people. Revenge.
And when I couldn't come to terms with how someone like him, could do something as horrible like that.. Peter said this ..
''They started it''
I then stopped reading because..well, I just had to.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Distraction
Sigh..taranya's desktop is like..so huge that..I can't help going on facebook instead of studying.. Distraction lahhh.. :/ Where's my laptop T.T
So plan for today..study bio, then do all the usual stuffs for bio lab report ..then start doing that design for the board game. I've to wait till all my housemates wake up (it's 2pm but fatin and min went to Broga Hills at 3am O.o) ..
My right eye can see ghost.
Nahh..haha, it's sore. I keep scratching and scratching, but it's not turning red. I want it to turn red..then I can go around and have people asking me ''what happened to your eye???'' and I can reply seriously ''My right eye can see ghost'' ..
Like that chinese movie, have ya watch it? More a comedy than a horror movie. But that's ''my left eye can see ghost''.
Yes, I'm crapping I know. See what I'd do to not study bio? :/
So plan for today..study bio, then do all the usual stuffs for bio lab report ..then start doing that design for the board game. I've to wait till all my housemates wake up (it's 2pm but fatin and min went to Broga Hills at 3am O.o) ..
My right eye can see ghost.
Nahh..haha, it's sore. I keep scratching and scratching, but it's not turning red. I want it to turn red..then I can go around and have people asking me ''what happened to your eye???'' and I can reply seriously ''My right eye can see ghost'' ..
Like that chinese movie, have ya watch it? More a comedy than a horror movie. But that's ''my left eye can see ghost''.
Yes, I'm crapping I know. See what I'd do to not study bio? :/
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Reflection
Haha, it's one thing about being lazy to write in our reflection diary, but then to give our blog address to our reflection teach and ask her to read..that's just plain insane.
And smart of us ;)
To Miss Suhaila (if you're reading this) :
Hi miss!! Welcome :D Maaf byk2 atas kesusahan miss hadapi semasa view blog I. Blog ni blog biasa je..tapi miss boleh baca lahhhh .. :D Enjoy!! :D
(darn, my BM needs A LOT of improvement =='')
And smart of us ;)
To Miss Suhaila (if you're reading this) :
Hi miss!! Welcome :D Maaf byk2 atas kesusahan miss hadapi semasa view blog I. Blog ni blog biasa je..tapi miss boleh baca lahhhh .. :D Enjoy!! :D
(darn, my BM needs A LOT of improvement =='')
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Study
MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY.
But no mood. People are usually like, geared up for last sem, but it's like, opposite for me. I just feel like, lying down all day and watch movies and stuffs. maybe blog yeah. Don't feel like touching Bio or Physics or Maths at all.
MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY.
Maybe I need to get my sem2 results first. And then when I see how screwed I am, maybe then I'd be geared up.
Maybe. Hopefully.
MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY.
Hmm...I'll start tomorrow.
But no mood. People are usually like, geared up for last sem, but it's like, opposite for me. I just feel like, lying down all day and watch movies and stuffs. maybe blog yeah. Don't feel like touching Bio or Physics or Maths at all.
MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY.
Maybe I need to get my sem2 results first. And then when I see how screwed I am, maybe then I'd be geared up.
Maybe. Hopefully.
MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY. MUST. STUDY.
Hmm...I'll start tomorrow.
Everybody's Fine.
Watched this movie a couple of days back and ...loved it. It's sort of a bittersweet story, and I can tell you, if you're the kind who love movies with happy endings or those romantic movies...this is not one for you.
But this is a movie for you to watch, that can change your life, whether you like it or not.
It's about a dad, who brought up his kids with discipline and going after their dreams. His kids are now all grown up and he is trying to get them all round the same table again. But fails, because everyone is just so busy with their lives. The mum, who just passed away 6 months ago, was really close with the children, but after she passed away, no one shares things with the old man. So eventhough he's sick and he's not suppose to leave home, he packs his suitcase and leave to find his kids..A son in New York, a daughter in vegas..as you can see, all far apart.
These children, they tell their dad things he wants to hear. Tell the good news, spare the bad. Which is sorta sad. Like, the dad doesn't know his eldest daughter is actually separated from her husband cause he cheated on her, and she has a new man in his life. And her son, is doing bad in school, in contrast to what she told her dad, about him being at the top in his class. His second son, whom the dad thought was a conductor in an ochestra, is actually just playing the big drum..and is living by his pay day by day. His third daughter told the dad that she's a famous dancer is las vegas, but she's actually a waitress. Also, she's pregnant..and is a lesbian. His last son..is in the hospital in mexico..for drug overdose.
It's a touching story about..well, I don't know about what really. I was so into the movie that I didn't bother thinking about the moral values and such. But I think the main idea is about appreciation, and not taking the one you love for granted. It made me cry, from the very beginning.
This is one movie EVERYONE NEEDS TO WATCH.
Seriously.
No lie.
Robert De Niro did an awesome job! Go watch the trailer..and don't be fooled by their upbeat happy mood, the movie is quite the opposite.. but it's good.
Rating : *****
I think this movie made the list of my TOP FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A ghost story
Today we heard that a friend of ours overheard some 'stuffs' going on in her apartment around 4a.m, sounds that are not 'normal', especially not at that time of night. That story got me curious but that was just about it.
Later today, Vino, Renee and I stayed back at campus to study and the guard uncle was there. He told us about a few years ago when they kept the bodies *dead bodies* at our campus for the medical students to operate on..and how when he was there at night, he would hear sounds of people talking and crying..even there was no one there. He told us how at first how he was scared and then he got used to it..
Then when Vinosha told me that we should get used to it because as doctors we'd be dealing with stuffs like this everyday, it was like I got smacked on the face with a big book. It's true, and even though there are so many 'paranormal occurence in hospitals' stories in my head, but yet I never realised that I would actually have to deal with it someday. Those late nights calls..duty.. I shudder just at the thought of it.
The truth is, ever since that incident occur in my apartment (paranormal), I've been afraid of the dark. I jumped at every noise I hear and I still have nightmares every now and then. When I hear the door shut suddenly (due to the wind) or when the sound of keys (neighbours), my first thought quickly jumps to 'paranormal' and then, the realisation sets in. Most of the times it's not me, I'm scared subconciously. Like when I hear a noise, eventhough my head is trying to depicher it, my heart races..the fear. My heart knows it.
''Once you've seen the darkness, you can never go back'' - The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
Imagine me going through this when I was just an eye-witness, imagine my friend who actually went through it. She's so brave. Anyways, yeah.. I'm still afraid. And that is my mind playing tricks on me. Imagine if it's real.
I'll have to have strong faith in God (which I'm trying to build), courage and believe in myself. Of all things I'm looking forward to when I'm doing my housemanship (and after) ..dealing with the paranormal is the last thing on my list. Heck, it's not even on my list.
Unless if it's Casper.
Later today, Vino, Renee and I stayed back at campus to study and the guard uncle was there. He told us about a few years ago when they kept the bodies *dead bodies* at our campus for the medical students to operate on..and how when he was there at night, he would hear sounds of people talking and crying..even there was no one there. He told us how at first how he was scared and then he got used to it..
Then when Vinosha told me that we should get used to it because as doctors we'd be dealing with stuffs like this everyday, it was like I got smacked on the face with a big book. It's true, and even though there are so many 'paranormal occurence in hospitals' stories in my head, but yet I never realised that I would actually have to deal with it someday. Those late nights calls..duty.. I shudder just at the thought of it.
The truth is, ever since that incident occur in my apartment (paranormal), I've been afraid of the dark. I jumped at every noise I hear and I still have nightmares every now and then. When I hear the door shut suddenly (due to the wind) or when the sound of keys (neighbours), my first thought quickly jumps to 'paranormal' and then, the realisation sets in. Most of the times it's not me, I'm scared subconciously. Like when I hear a noise, eventhough my head is trying to depicher it, my heart races..the fear. My heart knows it.
''Once you've seen the darkness, you can never go back'' - The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
Imagine me going through this when I was just an eye-witness, imagine my friend who actually went through it. She's so brave. Anyways, yeah.. I'm still afraid. And that is my mind playing tricks on me. Imagine if it's real.
I'll have to have strong faith in God (which I'm trying to build), courage and believe in myself. Of all things I'm looking forward to when I'm doing my housemanship (and after) ..dealing with the paranormal is the last thing on my list. Heck, it's not even on my list.
Unless if it's Casper.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
L.O.V.E
My cousin's wedding in Australia.. Don't you just love the photography?
Awwwhhhhhh
I want this photographer for my wedding!! :):) hahaha :D
Her son. Blue eyes. :)
Awwwhhhhhh 
I want this photographer for my wedding!! :):) hahaha :D
Second Day of New Semester
So eventhough it's already the second day, I still feel quite new. We had our first Bio 2 class and it was taught by our prev lecturer, Pn.Hidayah. At first I was disappointed as I was really looking forward to have a new lecturer, you know, a new experience in biology. But then I found out that different lecturers handle different chapter.. We have Pn.Hidayah ( - ), Miss Mun Yee ( :/), Mr. Eric ( L.O.V.E ) and Mr. Mahathir ( ?) .. We've never been taught by him before but I heard he's good, so kinda looking forward to it.
Then we had our physics lecture. A new lecturer for us. Mr. John. He's from Indonesia and we couldn't quite grasp his accent. At first I had a tough time understanding him, but then I catched up but just a bit =='' But it was a riot when he started taking attendance. He couldn't pronounce our names right.. Aainaa = Ana / Aaaaaainaaaaa (he actually dragged her name longer because of the double A's O.o) ..Inaz = Nice .. (??) ..Youwannia = Youdaaniyaa (where did the D come from?) .. Vimalesh = Vivimal .. haha.. At first I tried controlling myself because I thought it wasn't nice to laugh at him, but then I couldn't help myself, it was so funny!.. He's kinda cute too..and other than whatever he says being not understandable, I find the accent sexy ;) But because I couldn't understand him, he lost my attention (and my heart :P) during his lecture. My mind (and heart :P) went elsewhere. =='' I'm starting to miss Dr.Azah.. (our previous physics lecturer.. who was..weird) .. I don't mean to stereotype or anything..but .. .. *guilty* :/
I think I'm falling sick. My nose keeps running and I can't breathe. I have to keep blowing but then, nothing comes out!! (??) And my throat hurts too.. I don't have any medicines but I think I'd better start taking them. I don't want to get sicker, especially when this is the toughest semester. I mean, imagine having 2 lab reports, 3 tests, 2 tutorials every week? And I didn't even count the presentations yet, and trust me, CUCMS is famous for their presentations! ==''
July intake is sorta scaring me. We share two classes with them, Bio and Physics..and it's only the second day but you should see the amount of notes they have..they're like all geared up. Now don't get me wrong, that is a good thing, I so want to be like that but..I don't know..I'm just not. Have to try harder! Gambatte! :D Everyone's in the mood to study already. Let's see if that actually happens. ;)
Wish me luck!
P/S I miss my best friend. :/ Viiiii.. :O
Then we had our physics lecture. A new lecturer for us. Mr. John. He's from Indonesia and we couldn't quite grasp his accent. At first I had a tough time understanding him, but then I catched up but just a bit =='' But it was a riot when he started taking attendance. He couldn't pronounce our names right.. Aainaa = Ana / Aaaaaainaaaaa (he actually dragged her name longer because of the double A's O.o) ..Inaz = Nice .. (??) ..Youwannia = Youdaaniyaa (where did the D come from?) .. Vimalesh = Vivimal .. haha.. At first I tried controlling myself because I thought it wasn't nice to laugh at him, but then I couldn't help myself, it was so funny!.. He's kinda cute too..and other than whatever he says being not understandable, I find the accent sexy ;) But because I couldn't understand him, he lost my attention (and my heart :P) during his lecture. My mind (and heart :P) went elsewhere. =='' I'm starting to miss Dr.Azah.. (our previous physics lecturer.. who was..weird) .. I don't mean to stereotype or anything..but .. .. *guilty* :/
I think I'm falling sick. My nose keeps running and I can't breathe. I have to keep blowing but then, nothing comes out!! (??) And my throat hurts too.. I don't have any medicines but I think I'd better start taking them. I don't want to get sicker, especially when this is the toughest semester. I mean, imagine having 2 lab reports, 3 tests, 2 tutorials every week? And I didn't even count the presentations yet, and trust me, CUCMS is famous for their presentations! ==''
July intake is sorta scaring me. We share two classes with them, Bio and Physics..and it's only the second day but you should see the amount of notes they have..they're like all geared up. Now don't get me wrong, that is a good thing, I so want to be like that but..I don't know..I'm just not. Have to try harder! Gambatte! :D Everyone's in the mood to study already. Let's see if that actually happens. ;)
Wish me luck!
P/S I miss my best friend. :/ Viiiii.. :O
Monday, January 10, 2011
Lost.
''I'm tired of people being angry at me all the time. It's like, whatever I do, for sure there's always someone out there who'll get mad. No matter what I do, I'll anger someone, hurt or disappoint. And it was never my intentions in the first place.. ''
''The entire time I was being myself. If me being myself makes you unhappy, then perhaps you should walk away. Perhaps we're not meant to be, perhaps you're better off. And no, I won't blame you. The old me would be sad and ..I don't know, hold on.''
''But before I came back from the holidays, my grandpa told me to not let anyone get to me. If you do things, and you think they're right based on its benefit to yourself and goodwill to others, then stick with it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And I believe him.''
''I'm sorry if I come off strong and angry..but hey, you made me.''
Those were a few lines from a post that I posted before this that I just deleted. I was afraid of it hurting anyone for I wrote it in anger. Truth is, I'm not the kind of person who would walk away. I'm the kind of person who stays. No matter how much I'm hurt, no matter how much I'm chided or laughed at, made fun of, when I love, I never leave.
And I guess, that is the reason I'm always left behind. Now, I'm no more tired. Now, I'm just wallowing in self pity. Pity that I'll always be here to be treated this way, and do nothing about it.
Because I'll be judged either way. So might as well.
I feel like this part of my life is the time I'm being tested. I've lost my fighting mood. No more courage, no more spirit, no more .. You win.
''The entire time I was being myself. If me being myself makes you unhappy, then perhaps you should walk away. Perhaps we're not meant to be, perhaps you're better off. And no, I won't blame you. The old me would be sad and ..I don't know, hold on.''
''But before I came back from the holidays, my grandpa told me to not let anyone get to me. If you do things, and you think they're right based on its benefit to yourself and goodwill to others, then stick with it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And I believe him.''
''I'm sorry if I come off strong and angry..but hey, you made me.''
Those were a few lines from a post that I posted before this that I just deleted. I was afraid of it hurting anyone for I wrote it in anger. Truth is, I'm not the kind of person who would walk away. I'm the kind of person who stays. No matter how much I'm hurt, no matter how much I'm chided or laughed at, made fun of, when I love, I never leave.
And I guess, that is the reason I'm always left behind. Now, I'm no more tired. Now, I'm just wallowing in self pity. Pity that I'll always be here to be treated this way, and do nothing about it.
Because I'll be judged either way. So might as well.
I feel like this part of my life is the time I'm being tested. I've lost my fighting mood. No more courage, no more spirit, no more .. You win.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Housebunnies
My housemates are beautiful. But the thing about their beauty, and also my flaw, is that they don't seem to be obvious to me when they're alone. But when they're together, their beauty shines so much, even my heart gets blinded.
We've had our moments, our ups and downs, moments where other housemates have not gone through and I don't think ever will (you know what I mean) but instead of drawing us apart, it just drew us closer. Except a few has left but they have their reasons and I won't judge them. :)
This one week holiday, thoughts about these people pass through my head, yes, but just only about how they're doing and if they're safe...regrets about deactivating my facebook because I knew nothing about what's going on. But these thoughts just lingers in my mind for a few seconds, and then I go about doing some other things, thinking some other things. But just now, when everyone was in the apartment for 5 minutes, less than that even, I saw it. Again. Their beauty. I silently watched them as they joked about and poked fun at each other, laughing out loud. I saw them, and they're so beautiful (and no Susila, I'm NOT a lesbian :P).
We have Meera, this beautiful, strong on the outside but soft on the inside person. She's so funny, talented, outspoken..she has gotten hurt so many times. But what makes her beautiful? That strength she has to get up again, heal herself (or at least try to) and no matter what happens, I always see that optimism in her. Even when she's sick, she'll sing songs and dance about. That dudes who hurt her, man, they don't know what they've missed..they've lost. Whenever I see her talk about it, it just breaks my heart and I feel like learning TAE KWAN DO just to..but you know I won't. I can't even walk upstairs, let alone live my leg up 90degrees. == Oh, and meera, she's beautiful. Hot and sexy..and just, gorgeous. The kind of person who can smile and you feel like taking a picture and making it into a 'BE HAPPY' postcard.
Then Fatin, since she's related to Meera, of course they both share SOME qualities. I've seen things that hurt her, some she talked to me about, some I picked up from their conversations (NOT eavesdropping but we do live in the same apartment you know) and she too, pick herself up. One beautiful thing about Fatin? She's full of motivation. She's what keep us moving, the others too. I can hear her screaming at the others to study, or to hurry to something..she's what keep everyone strong. In heart and in prayer. Beautiful both on the inside and outside (honestly, she looks like those actress on tv)
Husssnnnaaaaaaa...she hasn't open up much to me, and I too haven't to her. I don't know why..but I sure would love to get to know her, on sentimental level. But I do know her on fun levels. She's so funny and crazy. Her jokes just tears me up with laughters. She worries about others, and she's caring.. She also sometimes talks in this tone, I don't know how to describe but..yeah, everytime I hear that tone, it makes me happy. Reminds me of a kid in a grumpy old man (okay, so wrong metaphor here.. =='') But yeah. :) She's really gorgeous too! Go see her facebook, she should be in a magazine or something. =/ (green monster)
Oh, and then min. Short for Yasmin. This girl is so ..one word, LOVABLE. She makes me laugh a lot too, especially those times when she acts all tough which is like FAIL cause she's the shortest among all of us. haha! She's caring and sweet too. Then she's ..innocent. And naive. I always get this vibe from her thoughts (her blog etc) that this girl should be protected from the cruelness of the world outside. Those times when she was sad and scared..when she came to me..like a small kid. Oh, and she's rough too, aiming to be more feminine. But min, if you're reading this but I bet you're not, I love you just the way you are. You don't have to change yourself because you're amazing (okaayyyy...I'm not copying this out of Bruno Mars. It just sucks my message is in his song) but yes, if YOU want to be more feminine, not because of others or what, then I say go for it. :)
Taranyaaaaa, she's our big sis. Oldest among all of us (but I won't say how MUCH:p), she cares for us like a big sis to a younger sis. She knows about everything! Like, I don't know, she's just so..knowledgable (I always feel stupid next to her =='') ..and she advices us too. I really respect her. She talks animatedly, joyfully..and loudly.. Though at times I feel my ears hurt, but I don't want her to change one bit. She easily gets excited too. One happy news and she just jumps, all screams and laughters. I love it when she gets into one of those fits, especially on gloomy days. It's like, she reminds me, there is always something to be happy about. She is really caring too. I remember her nagging me on my eating habits, when I'm sick..she cares and this girl, when she loves, she really really loves. That's what's most beautiful in her.
Their beauty, sure, I see their beauty whenever I hand out with them. But their beauty shines the most whenever they hang out together. That's why I love housebunnies days, or days when everyone is just chilling and talking in the living room. Those are the days when I see them being most beautiful, when they are all together, when WE are all together. Because we bring out each other's beauty. That's what I think. Feel.
I don't have a picture of ALL OF US together (because I deactivated my fb, but I know there is one) but yeah.. Fatin, Meera, Husna, Taranya, Yasmin. My housebunnies.
To you guys, if you're reading :
I'm sorry if I've hurt or angered you guys in any way before. I'm sorry for all the moments we've fought or got angry at each other. Sorry for the moments we were hurt and disappointed at each other.
But I'm happy for the happy moments, the joyful moments, the tearful moments, the sentimental moments. I'm happy for us being housemates.
This is semester 3, our last semester of us being housemates, for first year, we'd all switch off to a different bunch. And I'm sure that will be great. But just, before that time comes, please lets hang out more often? I'd like to catch more glimpses of these beauty of yours, so I can preserve them in my memory. Before there come a time 'housebunnies no more'.
Love you guys. :)
We've had our moments, our ups and downs, moments where other housemates have not gone through and I don't think ever will (you know what I mean) but instead of drawing us apart, it just drew us closer. Except a few has left but they have their reasons and I won't judge them. :)
This one week holiday, thoughts about these people pass through my head, yes, but just only about how they're doing and if they're safe...regrets about deactivating my facebook because I knew nothing about what's going on. But these thoughts just lingers in my mind for a few seconds, and then I go about doing some other things, thinking some other things. But just now, when everyone was in the apartment for 5 minutes, less than that even, I saw it. Again. Their beauty. I silently watched them as they joked about and poked fun at each other, laughing out loud. I saw them, and they're so beautiful (and no Susila, I'm NOT a lesbian :P).
We have Meera, this beautiful, strong on the outside but soft on the inside person. She's so funny, talented, outspoken..she has gotten hurt so many times. But what makes her beautiful? That strength she has to get up again, heal herself (or at least try to) and no matter what happens, I always see that optimism in her. Even when she's sick, she'll sing songs and dance about. That dudes who hurt her, man, they don't know what they've missed..they've lost. Whenever I see her talk about it, it just breaks my heart and I feel like learning TAE KWAN DO just to..but you know I won't. I can't even walk upstairs, let alone live my leg up 90degrees. == Oh, and meera, she's beautiful. Hot and sexy..and just, gorgeous. The kind of person who can smile and you feel like taking a picture and making it into a 'BE HAPPY' postcard.
Then Fatin, since she's related to Meera, of course they both share SOME qualities. I've seen things that hurt her, some she talked to me about, some I picked up from their conversations (NOT eavesdropping but we do live in the same apartment you know) and she too, pick herself up. One beautiful thing about Fatin? She's full of motivation. She's what keep us moving, the others too. I can hear her screaming at the others to study, or to hurry to something..she's what keep everyone strong. In heart and in prayer. Beautiful both on the inside and outside (honestly, she looks like those actress on tv)
Husssnnnaaaaaaa...she hasn't open up much to me, and I too haven't to her. I don't know why..but I sure would love to get to know her, on sentimental level. But I do know her on fun levels. She's so funny and crazy. Her jokes just tears me up with laughters. She worries about others, and she's caring.. She also sometimes talks in this tone, I don't know how to describe but..yeah, everytime I hear that tone, it makes me happy. Reminds me of a kid in a grumpy old man (okay, so wrong metaphor here.. =='') But yeah. :) She's really gorgeous too! Go see her facebook, she should be in a magazine or something. =/ (green monster)
Oh, and then min. Short for Yasmin. This girl is so ..one word, LOVABLE. She makes me laugh a lot too, especially those times when she acts all tough which is like FAIL cause she's the shortest among all of us. haha! She's caring and sweet too. Then she's ..innocent. And naive. I always get this vibe from her thoughts (her blog etc) that this girl should be protected from the cruelness of the world outside. Those times when she was sad and scared..when she came to me..like a small kid. Oh, and she's rough too, aiming to be more feminine. But min, if you're reading this but I bet you're not, I love you just the way you are. You don't have to change yourself because you're amazing (okaayyyy...I'm not copying this out of Bruno Mars. It just sucks my message is in his song) but yes, if YOU want to be more feminine, not because of others or what, then I say go for it. :)
Taranyaaaaa, she's our big sis. Oldest among all of us (but I won't say how MUCH:p), she cares for us like a big sis to a younger sis. She knows about everything! Like, I don't know, she's just so..knowledgable (I always feel stupid next to her =='') ..and she advices us too. I really respect her. She talks animatedly, joyfully..and loudly.. Though at times I feel my ears hurt, but I don't want her to change one bit. She easily gets excited too. One happy news and she just jumps, all screams and laughters. I love it when she gets into one of those fits, especially on gloomy days. It's like, she reminds me, there is always something to be happy about. She is really caring too. I remember her nagging me on my eating habits, when I'm sick..she cares and this girl, when she loves, she really really loves. That's what's most beautiful in her.
Their beauty, sure, I see their beauty whenever I hand out with them. But their beauty shines the most whenever they hang out together. That's why I love housebunnies days, or days when everyone is just chilling and talking in the living room. Those are the days when I see them being most beautiful, when they are all together, when WE are all together. Because we bring out each other's beauty. That's what I think. Feel.
I don't have a picture of ALL OF US together (because I deactivated my fb, but I know there is one) but yeah.. Fatin, Meera, Husna, Taranya, Yasmin. My housebunnies.
To you guys, if you're reading :
I'm sorry if I've hurt or angered you guys in any way before. I'm sorry for all the moments we've fought or got angry at each other. Sorry for the moments we were hurt and disappointed at each other.
But I'm happy for the happy moments, the joyful moments, the tearful moments, the sentimental moments. I'm happy for us being housemates.
This is semester 3, our last semester of us being housemates, for first year, we'd all switch off to a different bunch. And I'm sure that will be great. But just, before that time comes, please lets hang out more often? I'd like to catch more glimpses of these beauty of yours, so I can preserve them in my memory. Before there come a time 'housebunnies no more'.
Love you guys. :)
Start of New Semester
I'm back at my hostel after having one week break (the end of sem2) and I'm surprised at how fast that one week passed by. What happened to my diet plan? Oh yeah, I couldn't wake up in the early mornings to go jogging at the park.. In the evenings though, the spirit was there for like..3 days (2 days longer than I expected so I should congratulate myself).. But it's okay, I'll start eating right, one of my resolutions for semester 3.
My apartment is quiet. Fatin and yasmin went out to watch a football game between ..I don't know, I don't really watch football. Husna is cleaning her laptop cause it was infested with ants while Meera's asleep. Pity her, her new semester starts with a fever. Taranya's not back yet. The only sound I hear is the sound of the fan and me going crazy on the laptop keys. My stomach feels weird, cause I'm thinking about semester 3. It's going to be tough, that I know. We have so many subjects - Bio 2, Physics 2, Maths 2, PCP 3, Intro to Medicine and Pharmacy .. I'm also thinking about the lecturers. I hope we get those really experienced but cool ones? I'm not fussy or anything but yeah. And the results for sem2, I'm SURE they won't be out tomorrow. My college is the kind that when it's concerning the fees (MONEY), they paste those papers on the boards saying stuffs like if the yadda yadda amount is not paid by yadda yadda date, this yadda yadda person will not be allowed to sit for the yadda yadda examination. But when it's concerning other stuffs ..for example the fridge, the oven, the staircase in my apartment, the many complaints we made MONTHS AGO still goes unanswered. Yes, very efficient. Anyways, back to the examination results, they won't be out for a few weeks but I think I did ..well, I don't know what to say. I think I did bad but I don't want to say it out in case I jinxed it or something.. but I do really hope I did okay.. If I'm lucky, I hope I did good (GREAT is a long shot) .. But yeah, at least I PRAY for it to be above 3.0 .. There, another resolutions, study harder with friends so to improve both mine and their results. :)
And then the people. My relationship with my family is..I don't know what happened to THAT relationship. It feels like we're from different planets. Sometimes I feel like ...my presence, my very existence in my family is wrong, a puzzle piece that is in a place where it fits but the picture's wrong. But then all of a sudden, from nowhere, a feeling arise and I feel love, warmth..and I feel like it's right, the picture is right. But that last just for a few seconds before the old feelings are back. So another resolution, improve my relationship with my family. Planning on making that feeling stick, I want not only to fit, but to love the picture and think it's beautiful no matter what picture it really is. Then, college. I'm still really not out of my shell yet. I don't know why. Perhaps it's the language barrier? That my housemates are so fluent in BM and I take one minute to finish a 10 words BM sentence. So instead I just listen, and join in here and there. Oh, here's another new sem resolution, improve on my BM speaking skills. Oh, and since we're talking language here, I should also improve my tamil, as it ..sucks (literally speaking). Furthermore, I've done tons of mistakes, hurting few of my friends, disappointing others..and I'm planning to work on it. I've accepted what happened and I'm going to try to be a better person. Less selfish. Someone once said '' Patience with others is love, patience with oneself is hope and patience with God is faith ''. That sparked something in me I guess. So if there's anyone out there reading, whether it's a friend at college, a friend at home or a friend far away, I'm sorry for all my mistakes in the past and please give me another chance to make things right. Don't loose hope in me, not just yet. :)
So as you can see, my stomach feels one kind because there's lots of thoughts running through my head. And I'm nervous, thinking about what's there to come. And this is just the new semester. Imagine how I'd be like for something else that's bigger, perhaps my wedding.. (I think I've been watching too much of How I Met Your Mother).
But yeah, one step at a time.
My apartment is quiet. Fatin and yasmin went out to watch a football game between ..I don't know, I don't really watch football. Husna is cleaning her laptop cause it was infested with ants while Meera's asleep. Pity her, her new semester starts with a fever. Taranya's not back yet. The only sound I hear is the sound of the fan and me going crazy on the laptop keys. My stomach feels weird, cause I'm thinking about semester 3. It's going to be tough, that I know. We have so many subjects - Bio 2, Physics 2, Maths 2, PCP 3, Intro to Medicine and Pharmacy .. I'm also thinking about the lecturers. I hope we get those really experienced but cool ones? I'm not fussy or anything but yeah. And the results for sem2, I'm SURE they won't be out tomorrow. My college is the kind that when it's concerning the fees (MONEY), they paste those papers on the boards saying stuffs like if the yadda yadda amount is not paid by yadda yadda date, this yadda yadda person will not be allowed to sit for the yadda yadda examination. But when it's concerning other stuffs ..for example the fridge, the oven, the staircase in my apartment, the many complaints we made MONTHS AGO still goes unanswered. Yes, very efficient. Anyways, back to the examination results, they won't be out for a few weeks but I think I did ..well, I don't know what to say. I think I did bad but I don't want to say it out in case I jinxed it or something.. but I do really hope I did okay.. If I'm lucky, I hope I did good (GREAT is a long shot) .. But yeah, at least I PRAY for it to be above 3.0 .. There, another resolutions, study harder with friends so to improve both mine and their results. :)
And then the people. My relationship with my family is..I don't know what happened to THAT relationship. It feels like we're from different planets. Sometimes I feel like ...my presence, my very existence in my family is wrong, a puzzle piece that is in a place where it fits but the picture's wrong. But then all of a sudden, from nowhere, a feeling arise and I feel love, warmth..and I feel like it's right, the picture is right. But that last just for a few seconds before the old feelings are back. So another resolution, improve my relationship with my family. Planning on making that feeling stick, I want not only to fit, but to love the picture and think it's beautiful no matter what picture it really is. Then, college. I'm still really not out of my shell yet. I don't know why. Perhaps it's the language barrier? That my housemates are so fluent in BM and I take one minute to finish a 10 words BM sentence. So instead I just listen, and join in here and there. Oh, here's another new sem resolution, improve on my BM speaking skills. Oh, and since we're talking language here, I should also improve my tamil, as it ..sucks (literally speaking). Furthermore, I've done tons of mistakes, hurting few of my friends, disappointing others..and I'm planning to work on it. I've accepted what happened and I'm going to try to be a better person. Less selfish. Someone once said '' Patience with others is love, patience with oneself is hope and patience with God is faith ''. That sparked something in me I guess. So if there's anyone out there reading, whether it's a friend at college, a friend at home or a friend far away, I'm sorry for all my mistakes in the past and please give me another chance to make things right. Don't loose hope in me, not just yet. :)
So as you can see, my stomach feels one kind because there's lots of thoughts running through my head. And I'm nervous, thinking about what's there to come. And this is just the new semester. Imagine how I'd be like for something else that's bigger, perhaps my wedding.. (I think I've been watching too much of How I Met Your Mother).
But yeah, one step at a time.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Out to Midvalley
So went out with Vivian (who else? xP) today to midvalley. Was suppose to go CRAZY SHOPPING (clothes clothes clothes!) but then I didn't buy any, just accessories and a cardigan..while vi bought a blouse and other stuffs too. This trip went kind of 'slow' ..I guess this is because the day before we went to midv with my grandma. She FORCED (literally =='') me to buy some things I didn't even want (like this shirts for college and shoes) then FORCED (literally =='') to PAY for them. =/ But then I'm not complaining..cause truth is, I really needed those things for college. And I think that's what got to me today's shopping trip..that I realise that I've changed. Before I entered college and began mixing with wealthy kids (no offense, it's not a bad thing :) ) , I used to..NOT BUY ANYTHING at shopping trips, always thinking about money and it's worth. But after seeing all the kids and the branded things they have, I got a little influenced and started spending more than usual. The truth is, it's okay for you to have branded things, if you can afford it (some of my friends) but..I can't. My family is not that well-to-do so I guess from now on, I'll watch my weight, and what I spend. Buy those that I need, and minimize buying what I want. I miss the old darsh. :/
Here's some of the pics from today :
I love Vi's haircut. She looks so much nicer in it. Like a Korean actress. :)
You should see her in person. Sexxxxxaaaaayyyyyy ;)
Here's some of the pics from today :
Was wearing Nichi's. Haha, I went into Nichi's too and saw my dress on the rack. I think a few people noticed. Oh, and I also embarrassed myself today. Went to the dressing rooms and was so absorbed in conversation with vi, I pulled a curtain of a dressing room with someone dressing in it! Thank God she was done, if not she would've been embarrassed too. I said my apologies profusely, blushed..and went into the next dressing room with Vi laughing at me. ==''
Gold ribbon hairband. Sad look on my face cause I didn't like my new haircut. :/
At t.g.i. Friday's. We were so blur.. :/
I love Vi's haircut. She looks so much nicer in it. Like a Korean actress. :)
You should see her in person. Sexxxxxaaaaayyyyyy ;)
PICTURE OF THE DAY!!!
So that's just it. Until next outing. Which I hope is sometime soon. ;)
I love food
So there's this thing about me with food. I love food. Especially those sweet and spicy stuffs. It's like, when I go anywhere, the smell that gets to me..not a perfume, but the smell of the food. Have you watch the movie Rattatouie (or whatever it's spelled, lazy to google) and when the rat describes how food is to it..the different tastes are like colors..and music put together.. makes a beautiful piece. In the cinema while watching the movie, I was like ''I KNOW RIGHT??!!'' ..
I've gained weight.
And no, not the 'clothes tight' kind of change. I entered a boutique a few days ago and I took my usual size 'M' to the dressing room..only to find out, it didn't fit. Came out took 'L' instead and tried, and it still didn't fit! I'm actually an XL waist up and an XXL waist down. Usually, this kind of thing wouldn't bother me much, because I'm all for ''it doesn't matter what you weigh, as long as you're healthy. And it's what on the inside that counts'' but..after I gained weight, everyone around me kept going ''what happened to you darsh?'' and ''Wow, you really gained A LOT of weight'' in a disapproving manner. It's alright if their intentions were to get me to get healthier, but they mean something else, like..I don't know.. I'm not pretty anymore.. (not to say I was before or anything).
So I'm now trying to loose weight.. So others would stop giving me disapproving glances or say something sarcastic like this other day when I pointed out a mini cooper to my dad and said ''That's so cute..I think I want one'' and he said ''You wouldn't fit in''.. Ha-ha dad.
Not funny.
But it's torturing. When you love food so much and ..you just can't eat.
I don't know how long I've to keep this up. There's BIG APPLE donuts in the fridge downstairs.
And right now, I'm thinking..
TO EAT..OR NOT TO EAT?
And that is the question. :/
I've gained weight.
And no, not the 'clothes tight' kind of change. I entered a boutique a few days ago and I took my usual size 'M' to the dressing room..only to find out, it didn't fit. Came out took 'L' instead and tried, and it still didn't fit! I'm actually an XL waist up and an XXL waist down. Usually, this kind of thing wouldn't bother me much, because I'm all for ''it doesn't matter what you weigh, as long as you're healthy. And it's what on the inside that counts'' but..after I gained weight, everyone around me kept going ''what happened to you darsh?'' and ''Wow, you really gained A LOT of weight'' in a disapproving manner. It's alright if their intentions were to get me to get healthier, but they mean something else, like..I don't know.. I'm not pretty anymore.. (not to say I was before or anything).
So I'm now trying to loose weight.. So others would stop giving me disapproving glances or say something sarcastic like this other day when I pointed out a mini cooper to my dad and said ''That's so cute..I think I want one'' and he said ''You wouldn't fit in''.. Ha-ha dad.
Not funny.
But it's torturing. When you love food so much and ..you just can't eat.
I don't know how long I've to keep this up. There's BIG APPLE donuts in the fridge downstairs.
And right now, I'm thinking..
TO EAT..OR NOT TO EAT?
And that is the question. :/
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
2010
So 2010 has not exactly been a good year to me. I think. Well, it's not that it's bad, but it's not GOOD either. When I think back, I seem to not have any feelings about it. So yeah..
2010 was when I started college. Pre-college to be precise. Doing foundation in science at Cyberjaya University College of Medical Sciences. Yeah, MEDICINE. Doctor. No, it's not really my ambition (though that's what I said in the interview. Yup, I lied. sshh..). I'm just doing it for the family you know? We're practical people, and doing medicine in Malaysia, being a specialist gets you to buy a huge bungalow with a swimming pool, and maybe a Mercedes for every member of the family. But that's not what I aim for actually, I'm no gold digger, just to assure every generation after mine have a good life. I know medicine is hard but..no pain no gain right? Anyways, I just finished 2 semesters before the new year and my results so far has been..funny. It's hard to explain. Everytime I finish an exam, I worry about doing so badly and then when the results come out, I go.. whoa. It's funny, even the questions I seem to close eyes shoot kind of thing, I get them right. I give it all to God. I think it's His blessings. And luck? I just pray it don't run out or something.
And then, social life in college. Well, I'm no Miss Popular. I think I'm cathegorised under 'introvert' so I find it really hard to mingle around with others. So yeah, even after 8 months, I still have trouble opening up. Went through ups and downs a lot with others, and recently an episode occured but I won't talk about it here because ..well, I just can't. Anyways, to sum it up, I have a few good friends, but even that I can't be myself 100% because..well, just because.
Family life. Ahhh..well, nothing to talk about. It's just going. They're always pushing me to do harder in studies and everything, but they're not there for me emotionally you know? According to them, as long as I do well in my studies, everything else just fall into place. But guess what? They're wrong. But I can't tell them that. We just don't 'communicate' and I know what you're thinking, why don't I try right? Well, when you've spent the last 18 years being that way, it's really hard to change. And them being the OLDER, WISER, EXPERIENCED ones, it's best I shut up. Shut off.
Important people in my life. 1. VTBY. A best friend who's always there for me. I don't know where I'd be without her. Probably hanged somewhere on a rope and on tomorrow's paper 'girl commited suicide due to emotional stress' .. Haha, kidding. Yes, dark humour. 2. DG. But now I'm not so much in contact with her. She has a guy in her life, seriously in a relationship. How I feel about it? At first, happy that she has finally found a guy worthy enough, after all the other dudes who blew her off. Then followed by a hint of jealousy. I mean, where's MY guy? .. It's natural human behavior to feel jealous you know. And then, anger came when she ignored my messages and my calls, and suddenly, I'm nowhere in her life. And this lead me to not make any contact with her, hoping she'd do something. But so far..no contact..since she got into the relationship. Well, I have also many others in my life, but I'll save them for later. VTBY is beside me and I can tell she's bored waiting for me. We'll go pop a movie or something. I'm thinking 'BURRIED' ..
So yeah, 2010. It was..okay. I hope this year would be ..better. Happier. More memories to remember. But that's up to me right? To make it good.
But this year taught me that not everything is under my control. It really isn't.
HELLO 2011.
2010 was when I started college. Pre-college to be precise. Doing foundation in science at Cyberjaya University College of Medical Sciences. Yeah, MEDICINE. Doctor. No, it's not really my ambition (though that's what I said in the interview. Yup, I lied. sshh..). I'm just doing it for the family you know? We're practical people, and doing medicine in Malaysia, being a specialist gets you to buy a huge bungalow with a swimming pool, and maybe a Mercedes for every member of the family. But that's not what I aim for actually, I'm no gold digger, just to assure every generation after mine have a good life. I know medicine is hard but..no pain no gain right? Anyways, I just finished 2 semesters before the new year and my results so far has been..funny. It's hard to explain. Everytime I finish an exam, I worry about doing so badly and then when the results come out, I go.. whoa. It's funny, even the questions I seem to close eyes shoot kind of thing, I get them right. I give it all to God. I think it's His blessings. And luck? I just pray it don't run out or something.
And then, social life in college. Well, I'm no Miss Popular. I think I'm cathegorised under 'introvert' so I find it really hard to mingle around with others. So yeah, even after 8 months, I still have trouble opening up. Went through ups and downs a lot with others, and recently an episode occured but I won't talk about it here because ..well, I just can't. Anyways, to sum it up, I have a few good friends, but even that I can't be myself 100% because..well, just because.
Family life. Ahhh..well, nothing to talk about. It's just going. They're always pushing me to do harder in studies and everything, but they're not there for me emotionally you know? According to them, as long as I do well in my studies, everything else just fall into place. But guess what? They're wrong. But I can't tell them that. We just don't 'communicate' and I know what you're thinking, why don't I try right? Well, when you've spent the last 18 years being that way, it's really hard to change. And them being the OLDER, WISER, EXPERIENCED ones, it's best I shut up. Shut off.
Important people in my life. 1. VTBY. A best friend who's always there for me. I don't know where I'd be without her. Probably hanged somewhere on a rope and on tomorrow's paper 'girl commited suicide due to emotional stress' .. Haha, kidding. Yes, dark humour. 2. DG. But now I'm not so much in contact with her. She has a guy in her life, seriously in a relationship. How I feel about it? At first, happy that she has finally found a guy worthy enough, after all the other dudes who blew her off. Then followed by a hint of jealousy. I mean, where's MY guy? .. It's natural human behavior to feel jealous you know. And then, anger came when she ignored my messages and my calls, and suddenly, I'm nowhere in her life. And this lead me to not make any contact with her, hoping she'd do something. But so far..no contact..since she got into the relationship. Well, I have also many others in my life, but I'll save them for later. VTBY is beside me and I can tell she's bored waiting for me. We'll go pop a movie or something. I'm thinking 'BURRIED' ..
So yeah, 2010. It was..okay. I hope this year would be ..better. Happier. More memories to remember. But that's up to me right? To make it good.
But this year taught me that not everything is under my control. It really isn't.
HELLO 2011.
Monday, January 3, 2011
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