It's ridiculous how I can cry for so many simple things. I connect emotionally with fictional characters, with animals, heck, even with objects. But when it comes to my life situations, I run. I do not want to feel. The minute feelings start creeping into me, I block it out, brush it off, pretend I don't feel anything.
It's easier that way.
When a character dies, I spend the day crying and then spend the next few days dwelling on it. I feel sadness for the story, deep anger and frustration that the story would have gone another way. Then more days passed, and I just feel sad. The series would be different without that one character. Few weeks passed, and another character becomes my new favourite. When I miss the previous character, I can always go back and watch prev episodes. Or even, google the actor out and ease my eyes.
It's different losing someone in real life.
Just lost my grandma. I did not even attend the funeral because I was 5 hours away and couldn't make it. I will never see her or talk to her ever again. Never in my life will I use the word 'pati' again because that word has always been reserved specifically for her. I was never close to her, but the feelings that come onto me, the pain, the heartache, like my heart is going to burst. I was never close to her, and the pain I feel is enormous. She's gone.
It's been 5 days and I haven't cried.
I haven't thought about it.
Now I'm thinking about it. 5 minutes post, and I'm back to blocking it out.
Because it's easier that way.
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