What The Hell

Was flipping through the channels the other day and Avril's song What The Hell came on. The video got my attention because..well, I've no idea. But then I started paying attention to the lyrics and all of a sudden, I was drawn to it. 'Story Of My Life'..

I guess all my life, every action, every decision I made, was based on someone else. What my parents want, what others would think. Even small decisions like what to eat and what to buy. I know that I am very blessed because my parents care, a lot. But sometimes, I feel cramped. Pressured. Like I can't breathe. Like my life is going in a direction I don't want it too. My life, I'm at the wheel, and someone else is telling me where to go, how to drive.

But what happens when that person who keeps telling me what to do is no longer there? What happens if I get lost?

Like, for example, I'm taking medicine. Because..this is what my parents want me to do..and I'm doing it so they can be happy. And I'm alright with that. But what about in the future? What happens then, when they're no longer around and I'm doing something I don't love, something I don't like?

Maybe I think too much. Maybe I should just go with the flow. Maybe..just maybe.

In the music video, Avril went 'crazy' and did all the craziest things.
At first, I thought, maybe that's what I should do. Dye my hair, go crazy in a car, flirt around, shoplift and get others to pay? She seems to be having fun doing it.

But then, that's stuffs SHE wants to do, not me. I don't want to dye my hair (well, not pink), drive a car crazily (I might HURT someone), flirt around (YEAH RIGHT), shoplift (WHO AM I KIDDING? I CAN'T EVEN OPEN A CHOCOLATE WRAPPER) and get others to pay (HMM..). Those aren't what I want to.

What I want to do is.. go somewhere, anywhere. Away. Alone. On a self-discovering journey. Somewhere beautiful. Somewhere peaceful. Somewhere, that just calls my name. And everything else I want to do, I'll do on that journey.




New York at christmas, the northern lights, greece, great barrier reef..and so much more.

And not only about going places. I want to wear clothes I ACTUALLY like..do things I actually want to do..

I yearn to be free. That feeling of making my mistakes, and not caring about the consequences, because they'd be MINE. That feeling of not caring how every action I take affects my parents. That feelings of making my own path, choosing my own road.

But then, I can't. I can not pretend as if my actions does not affect anyone, because truth is, they do. And when you love someone, you'd care about their feelings, about hurting them.

So maybe..yeah, I will accomplish all these dreams..one day. But first, I'll accomplish theirs.

And Avril's chorus :

''All my life, I've been good but now, I'm thinking what the hell ''

well, that can wait.