There are many moments in a day when I stop myself to think, about everyone. And their talents.
I watch them doing their thing, in silence, but secretly pondering about the beauty of it. I stare in awe, amazed at what they can do. And wish I can do something like that too.
To be able to sing as awesome as Grace and Joyce can. To be able to do art as awesome as Vi and Grace can. To be able to dance as awesome as Mero and Priyaa can. To be able to speak as awesome as Ariff and Mero can.
"When I started screaming, I finally figured it out. I had always been afraid of not being able to see my future. Of not knowing what I want to do with my life Of not knowing why I don't know what I want to do. And of the days that kept flowing by mercilessly in spite of that"
I remember many years ago during one Sunday class, it was about talents and making use of them. Our teacher made us stand in front of the class and tell them our talents and how we plan to use them, in God's will. I made my teacher skipped me (we were going by rows, and I usually sit in front) so I could have a longer time to think. In the end, my answer was 'I don't know'. I remember feeling like crying, feeling like I had nothing to offer. Felt like I was different from any other person in the class. But my teacher was nice about it. She said to not worry, and that I still had time to figure myself out. I was only ten after all. I believed her.
I remember experimenting. I joined choir to see if I could sing as well as my friends could. Reality : I couldn't. I entered dance performances to see if I could dance. Reality : Was placed at the last row so that the audience could not see me. I started drawing, copying cartoons from Doraemon and Archie to see if I could draw well. Reality : Mum saw me struggling and started drawing the cartoons for me, so I could colour them. I started writing novels, carried a book with me everywhere I went. Eventhough I wrote more than 30stories, I never completed a single one. Reality : Because I felt I was doing it wrong every single time. even joined my brothers playing play station to see if I had a talent for scoring. Reality : I lost every game. I started playing sports too, but stopped when I fractured my ankle. Reality : I'm phobia of sports ever since, because the pain was so unbearable.
And many years later, today, I see myself as no different from the person I was back then.
"I realised why I was lost. It wasn't because I don't have a map, but that I don't have a destination"
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