To get what you want, but not what you need

It's usually one way or another.. Back in Cyber, I always get what I needed, not I wanted. And because of that, I guess I was pretty much miserable. I had to FORCE myself to be happy ..and yes, in the long run, the faking sorta became true. But the effort put into happiness, wasn't something I would have wanted it to be in the first place. But looking back now, the year was fruitful. I don't regret anything, those experiences were needed to make me, and I am so very grateful.

Over here, I realise, I am getting what I want. I am happy, I don't have to force myself to be, happiness comes, just like that, no effort needed. But then, this scares me. How will this turn out?

I've always had this feeling since I was younger, that everything is mapped out for me. I have to start telling myself that it is my choices and my decisions that affects everything that comes next. I shouldn't be walking on the path paved for me by others, or the path I think I should go, but instead to walk the path I want to.

I've been praying a lot lately, asking God for his guidance.. What pulled me back to him? Fear, uncertainty, confusion..but above all, I needed Him. To remind me of who I am, who I'm suppose to be and what I'm suppose to do here. I keep straying, I notice. Even right now, I've strayed off. I can keep telling myself this is wrong, what I'm doing is wrong, but then , I just continue off. I know it's because of my curiousity, on whether I can walk this path and still make this work. But the fear is here because I'm a person who always gravitates towards familiarity. Unlike people like Henrina.

She would try out everything..when she bought a new printer, she was just pressing every button, not afraid of the result of her actions. When she buys anything, she would handle them like she owns them for so long, eventhough it was her first time using it and she does not know how. I on the other hand, I hesitate. I think, I stare, I handle it slowly, softly..but in the end, I always end up calling someone else for help. I was afraid of making my own mistakes, even though sometimes, mistakes are suppose to be made. So we can learn from them.

So when face with a choice to walk down the path that I know, and the path I don't, eventhough I am ALREADY on the unknown path, I keep stopping, hesitating..I can't stop thinking about the familiar path, and how much safer if I'm on that road. But then again, I'm not turning back. I just keep worrying and worrying, but still not making the change I need to.

Just worrying.
If this will turn out well.