That made me realise, that I want both too.
I want to stay in CUCMS, but I WANT to go to AIMST.
I want to stay in CUCMS because I love it there. The place, the system, and most of all the people. It already feels like home.
But then a part of me knows that, I will never grow up if I stay in CUCMS. I would still go home every week, my parents could come get me whenever I want, I would not learn to be by myself because I'll always be in good hands.
And being in the medical field, or any other field for that matter, one needs to be independent. Especially during housemanship when they're just gonna post us doctors to any hospitals around the country. And looking at myself now, I know I'm not ready for that.
I'm still afraid to cross roads on my own. I get nervous when I talk to strangers, even when it just involves buying food or asking for directions. I'd always get my family or my friends to do it. And because they love me, they do it anyways. But when I think about it, that's just spoiling me.
And they're not to be blamed.
If I were to go to Kedah, I'd be on my own. I would start fending for myself, and my family would be 6 hours away to come get me if I had any problems.
I know that this is what I need to do. Because I WANT to grow up.
It's like a bird, who can only learn how to fly if it's pushed out of it's nest.
So yeah, I want both.
The first choice CUCMS because of its familiarity and warmth.
The second choice AIMST is because of it's mystery, that I know I can use to make myself a better person, something that I won't be able to learn in CUCMS.
I think that's the reason why I was not strong on my argument during the discussion with my family. If I had said firmly that I wanted to stay in CUCMS, they would have let me. But I did not. They kept telling the the pro's of AISMT and eventhough I did not say it out loud, I do agree with them.
When I think about it again, I guess I don't mind the long distance, the starting over, fitting in again, getting used to the new environment, if this is what I need to grow up.
This is EXACTLY what I need.
And I'm heading there. Head on. No regrets.
If I had entered AIMST during foundation, I knew it would have been roughed on me. The way I look at it, CUCMS gave me a great stepping stone. My entire foundation year was filled with up's and down's. Loosing friends, loosing trusts, adjusting, making new friends, learning to accept and be accepting, learning from differences.. It taught me a lot. And with this lessons learned, I'm going to be able to use them for my upcoming experiences.
I was at the bank today for AIMST stuffs when I took a number. I looked at it and it said '1111' .. I thought to myself ''Ha, that does not happen everyday'' ..and when I sat down and looked at my watched, the time said ' 1. 11 p.m '. Now instead of looking away thinking ''coincidence'' , I had to go all ''OMG THIS IS FATE!'' .. haha.. I felt as if I was suppose to be there at that exact moment at that exact time. That no matter whatever mistakes I've made in the past, I was exactly where I was suppose to be, I was on the right track.
Yes, silly you might say. But I liked feeling that way. :)
So yeah, no matter what, this is the decision I make today, and I will stick to it.
Come what may.
No matter what. :)
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